Lack of Social Reciprocity Sucks

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I have such a hard time having certain conversations because I have such a difficult time staying on topic and keeping the conversation flowing in a natural way unless it is an interest of mine. And I don't hear or understand things without filtering them through my own processing which makes me hear them wrong and respond in the total wrong way. This is so frustrating to me because there are important conversations that need to be had about responsibilities and life issues and it's very difficult to get through them with me. And then it's doubly hard because the people I am having the conversations with are always reprimanding me about not being able to have proper conversations and that can lead me to meltdown. I guess I am just airing out and blowing off steam here. But I am sure that many of you can relate.

I also have other situations where people will tell me stupid things like, "Don't talk about having Asperger's so much." and, "You are not as impaired or as disabled as you think or say you are and stop using Asperger's as an excuse for stuff" and then two minutes later they are reprimanding me for doing or saying something that is typically Aspie like it's some kind of problem and they can't understand why I am doing it and then they tell me that I need to change that behavior. It can really be so exhausting.

And I understand that people don't get it but sometimes when I am socially tired or just tired, I don't want to socialize. We had a long day and then we stopped by a friend's to drop something off. I told my husband I wanted to stay in the car and he was totally cool with that but the friend came over to the car and saw me and said, "Aren't you going to come out and say hello to us?" Well if I was going to do that I would have done it.

I understand that they really have no concept of what social fatigue is other than maybe being generally tired after having a party of something so I guess they can't comprehend why just saying "hello" was more than I wanted to put up with at that moment. But it's just hard sometimes. I wish people could just maybe say a quick hi if they want to and leave out the whole, "Well aren't you going to say this or that?" I mean, I really do like these people very much and I would have loved to have gotten out and chatted up a storm with them but I just did not have it in me to do that. I just wish people could understand that I am not deliberately being rude, I am just exhausted and I don't want to push myself more than I can handle.

I hear you. I'm being pushed to socialize more. I'm trying to stay open minded, but I'm a little worried it will just be too much.

I totally agree with you.We need to talk about it all the time bc it affects every single minute of the day...the problem is the other people haven't got a clue what is like.

I've just have to laugh about what you say about waiting in the car and the other person coming over to you hahahahaha.... I've been through similar situations myself many times. Another one in particular I dislike passionately when they pass the phone over for me to have a little chat with relatives etc, it is so exhausting talking about little nothings!

But on the whole that is what we are and I can't possibly see me in another predicament

I have a hard time maintaining a conversation with most people. Sometimes, when I am planning to meet someone (say for lunch), I will come up with a list of topics to talk about beforehand. Once we are finished talking about the first topic, I will change to the second topic. I am pretty careful to only choose topics that the other person is interested in.

Fortunately, I don?t have to do this that often (as I don?t get together with people all that frequently).

I hated that as well. When I was younger, whenever a relative called, my mom would pass around the phone. I never knew what to say. It was such a relief when my "turn" was up.

These days, I rarely call anyone on the phone. Unless I have something specific to talk about.

I hear you. NTs get social fatigue, too! Here is what I would have said - "I really wanted to say hi, but I've had a terrible day and just needed some alone time. I really do love you guys, and I'm looking forward to getting together when things aren't so crazy." Everyone uses scripts, even though Aspies need them more than NTs, we all have to use them at some point or another. I hope you feel better!

Just tell them you are not feeling well and you had a long day and you are exhausted. People seem to understand that concept and leave it be. You just need to find the right words to use.

Hmmn I think it is actually a bit rude of your friend to do that. And I guess a lot of people look at it the other way around, at least going by the things I've been told most of my life, I've been told I was rude because I stayed off to myself or didn't answer the door to talk to someone or whatever. But like you I get too tired or sometimes just don't want to deal with someone because I know it is going to make me tired if I'm not already.

I can totally understand why a friend, neighbor, etc. might intrude a bit into my space to say hello, but if I'm tired or just not into it I hope they will recognize that and just chat briefly and move on. But of course some people don't, they think because I'm being quiet it gives them a license to just start talking non-stop.

What really gets me though is all the random people I meet out in public who expect social reciprocity, and some not just expect it but demand it, while I'm busy shopping or working or just wanting to eat a meal or rest a few minutes alone in peace for gods sake. I understand to them it is nothing to say hello and have a brief exchange, but for me it takes a lot of energy, just to think about what they are saying and figure out how to respond.

Sometimes I feel like I will break down sobbing or screaming if just one more person speaks to me, but somehow I don't, maybe because I am just so slow to respond in general. But later in the day it comes back out of me, like a pot finally boiling over...why did they say that, what do they expect me to do, what do they want?? why don't they just leave me alone?

I agree with the above. Sometimes, I just want to be left to myself. Forced socialization is most irritating.

I'm not a misanthrope, by any means. In fact, I'm considered overly optimistic pertaining to people.

What I do is: go back to my puzzle/book/phone/tablet, whatever I'm doing, and say " I have something important to do now," even if I'm just entertaining myself.

If a person persists, I just ignore him/her. He/she will get bored quickly, and move on to someone or something else.

My wife is pretty good at "steering" the conversation and is very kind and thoughtful when she does it. I can get way off in the weeds when talking and sometimes she'll just gently point it out and ask if we can get back to what we were originally talking about.

So, I guess, to the extend those around you can be aware and accomodating - it's a great thing.

I experience similar and it's partly why I prefer not to have many friends these days. If I don't have lots of friends, I don't lots of socialising to keep up with when I am too tired and I won't have as many upsets (meltdowns..if that is what they are).

I guess I figure it's easier to be by myself as most people don't understand, even people on the spectrum sometimes. Some are far more social than me (it is what makes me doubt I may have it sometimes..or one of the things that makes me doubt) and I just cant keep up with them.

Some of you are a very social bunch (not meant in a critical way at all), a little too social for me.

Maybe I am just an extreme introvert but when I am tired the last thing I need is to have to follow and keep up with conversations where I am straining to think of things to say. It is mentally exhausting and I just don't want to know.

Ergo if people do initiate conversation with me at those times I won't be very receptive to it.

I also don't like people chatting at me when I am eating or shopping etc. I am trying to concentrate on what i am doing. I prefer to leave chit chat to later <<<<<<< not a multitasker.

Just push back.

This happens all the time. By the time I get off from work I've already pretty much exhausted my reserves for the day and usually head off to my room for some computer/recharge time. It tends to bug my dad to no end though when I just give him a one or two word answer when he asks how my day was. Not to be rude or anything but by that time talking to people is the last thing I want to do.

Thankfully I've gotten a reputation in the family of being a quiet person so no one seems to think much of it if I sneak out of the house at family gatherings just to sit outside where it's quieter for a bit. If I can't I start getting asked questions about why I'm tapping my fingers against the table or shifting from side to side. Yeah when I start getting overloaded I can't sit still for anything.

The break room at work is another story completely. You'd think sitting at the table at the back of the room facing away from everyone else while reading a magazine would be a good indicator that this person doesn't want to be bothered right now. Yeah apparently that's not the case.

I just don't like "forced socialization." It irritates the heck out of me. That's why the advent of smart phones is so great--it's not so socially unacceptable to use them in company.

Hey Wycca, How's it going?

What's funny is it actually bothers me when me and another person are talking and they whip out their phones and start texting on it. I am the one who finds it rude. I am thinking next time anyone does that to me, I will get up and leave.

Oh boy! That original post described me from aged sixteen until my mid forties. Social skills are HARD and the only thing that can help is proper social skills training. This is something that might be available in your area but availability isn't guaranteed.

One consolation, it gets a little bit better with time.

I feel the opposite way, for an aspie I usually don't get social fatigue. I really wish I was able to connect with people; I hate being isolated. I always screw up relationships or friendships usually because I always say the wrong things or somehow screw it up.