Why am I so upset about this?

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One of my colleagues got married this weekend and had a big party after, with a lot of people from work. There was loads of pictures on Facebook. I wasn't even invited, nor did I even know it was this weekend. I used to be best friends with one of the girls who went.

I feel rather left out and depressed that I wasn't even asked. But at the same time, I know I have social anxiety so those sorts of social occasions is an idea of a nightmare for me.

Why am I getting upset because of not being invited to somewhere I wouldn't want to be anyway? Does anyone else feel like this?

Yeah, on the one hand it sucks that people think so little of you that you don't get invited to functions, and on the other hand social occasions are an incredible burden. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

This is exactly how I feel so often. It's such a bizarre paradox. I get jealous about what other people are organising, invited to, meeting up with etc. but at the same time I know that if I was invited I'd look and feel uncomfortable and anxious.

It's understandable and I've been through it. I think people tend to see invites (or lack thereof) as simply an indicator of how others feel about them. Not being invited to something can make you feel unwanted, left out or even invisible in a way. That seems to be how you're perceiving the situation, even though this doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you. Even if it is the case, then that's their opinion and honestly, you're not going to please everyone you meet so try not to get too upset!

Perhaps you weren't invited because they know you're the kind of person who wouldn't enjoy or go to an event like that one. Maybe they were doing you a favour! Have you made a habit of turning down parties before by any chance?

Yes, I feel the same way, when this happens and I empathize with you. It isn't that I expect to be invited to functions, but, when I hear others speak about it, I feel sad or, perhaps a feeling of alienation. I don't know why I feel hurt by it, other than the fact that I am quite sensitive, in general.

In thinking more about it, I suppose it could be due to the degree I had perceived a connection between me and the person holding the event. In addition, it could be that I subconsiously wonder what was different about me than the people who had been invited. Especially if I do not perceive them as having a closer connection to the person.

In any case, I think your feelings are valid and justified. I agree with what Myriad has expressed, as well.

Hi

Were you personal friends with the "colleague" being married...had other social engagements with him and therefor planned out their wedding present ahead of time? Was everyone else invited? Etc.

Should you really be upset as you are? If some of the personal engagement I list above is "true" then you might get miffed. But lacking a shared personal association with the colleague you will have to dig through your brain for more information on the source of your feelings. Sorry I can't help.

Weddings can often be budget-bound affairs even if they seem like big ones -- especially if they're big ones, actually. Despite the fact that this was a big party and so lots of people were clearly invited, it may be for that very reason that they had to trim the list down. Some of those decisions are very, very hard to make, and who knows, you may be one of 200 people they had on their rough draft Invite list, whom they had to make tough choices over to get it down to 150, for example. Every wedding guest is often an expense in real monetary terms (food costs, paid bar etc).

Maybe you didn't get to go because of these whittling down choices. And maybe the whittling was to do with that they didn't think you would want to go anyway, or you aren't a close enough friend of the betrothed, even though your own friend was a close enough friend to get invited. Friendships hover at different levels.

Try not to feel to left out especially when it comes to weddings, an event where the couple's or family's spending budget often means a lot of leaving people out to try to keep things down.

I would probably feel the same way, and have felt the same about similar situations.

It's nice to be invited, even if I wouldn't really want to go. That way I feel like I have a choice. It bothers me to feel like I didn't have a choice. Especially if it seems like other people just made an assumption on my behalf without even asking me.

It also bothers me to be reminded that other people seem to enjoy things that I don't. It gets me to thinking about other ways that I'm different from those people, and wondering how many other things I miss out on because I'm different. I start feeling like maybe I just don't get to enjoy life as much as they do.

What BirdInFlight said is true. Weddings can be very expensive. They can only afford to invite so many people. And the people who get invited, aren't necessarily the ones that the couple really wants to have there. Priority usually goes to people they feel they HAVE to invite, like certain relatives or old family friends. And some of the people who are invited may not even want to go, but feel like they HAVE to, and feel obligated to show that they are having a good time. Part of why these events can feel so depressing is because there can be a lot of pretense involved in putting it on.

If I ever get married, it'll be a small, quiet wedding with maybe a party with some close friends or relatives later on, so nothing too strenuous. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather not be invited to anything outside of family gatherings or hanging out at a friend's house.

Oh no. I am so sorry. I feel ya.

I think it's actually a very natural reaction to feel bad about not being invited, even if the invitation wasn't one you would have wanted, because what it amounts to in our own minds is rejection. It's sort of the way you can hold up a cookie a child didn't want in the first place and say "you can't have this" and suddenly she wants it. It's a normal human reaction. Certain actions or lack of them signal rejection and we're meant to feel bad about that. It's probably biological/evolutionary (in my opinion) as we're technically a social species (i.e. we live in groups), so even if we're not "as" social as the typical person (as is common in ASD), we still feel a sting, a "something's wrong here."

Try not to worry about it. I know that's easier said than done, but you don't know what a person's motivation was for not inviting you. ** It could have been anything. The bottom line is, you didn't want to be there anyway, right? Try to keep that in mind.

And please know that there ARE people out there who think you're worthy and your thoughts and who you are, are worthy...I'll bet a lot of us here do.

** ETA: This made me think of something. What if the person thought you wouldn't say yes, and that's why you weren't invited? NTs fear rejection too. Just one possibility.

I like what NowhereWoman said about NTs can fear rejection too. That has made me feel a lot better. Thanks, NowhereWoman!

I knew people would ask about how close a friendship I have with this girl who was getting married. Admittedly, yes, I am not that close friends with her, and she's just a work colleague who I may have a brief small talk type of conversation with every now and then. But she's more like a mutual friend, because I know and speak to other people at work more, who got invited to the wedding, and this girl is so proud of her wedding and wanted to invite as many people as she could, particularly from work, and it would of even been nice to just have been asked.

But I suppose I'm quiet and rather reserved. But I don't think they even had me in mind at all when they were planning the wedding. The girl who I used to be best friends with did go to the wedding. She actually did break up with the bride, a few months ago, and I'm not sure but I think I know why that was. This girl has a problem with jealousy. She used to get horribly jealous of me when I was good friends with her, because I was slim (although she's not fat but not as slim as me), and she also got jealous of the fact that I had more money than her. And as soon as the bride got engaged to the husband-to-be, that's when the jealous girl didn't speak to her. The jealous girl has always been socially awkward, but still seems to get invited to parties and seems to enjoy it. I don't know.

What often bugs me is even strange people seem to have more friends than me. I've always associated my lack of friends due to being a bit quirky, but I notice that other quirky or strange people seem to be accepted, even by typical people who aren't strange or anything. It can hurt. But, I suppose I should just look upon it as a mystery. I mean, the reason why Stonehenge was built is a mystery, but I don't spend my life dwelling on why Stonehenge was built. So I suppose I should look upon this as a similar thing.

Hmm, maybe I should start focusing on why Stonehenge was built. It might take my mind off social rejection...

*shrug* It's just one of those AS things. It is what it is. No sense in getting overly analytical or upset about it. You innately like the gesture of an invitation and inclusion despite the fact that you really don't want to go.

Personally, I don't have to really deal with those feelings since I have my AS symptoms well under control. However, I have a close friend on the spectrum who prefers not to treat his symptoms, so, since I know what his traits are and that he has these particular traits - I politely email and invite him to things even though I have no expectation that he will actually show up to anything. 99% of the time this holds true, and I feel good about being nice and inviting him (genuinely) & I think he likes to invite, but I know he "can't" come due to his social anxiety and thus accept that and don't take it personally when he declines. Once in a blue moon if it's something he's interested in he'll show up/make an effort - which is a pleasant surprise.

Anyways, not really anything you can do about it but remind yourself that you really weren't in the frame of mind to attend anyways so not being invited isn't that big of deal. FWIW I bet the person throwing the party gets the vibe that you're not really a social person and thus didn't consider inviting you. Don't take offence to it. It just is what it is.

Thank you again for the replies. It's lovely being able to talk about stuff like this. It really helps.

Today at work I told a work colleague who I trust about how I feel, and she said that this girl said that she just invited close relatives and friends to her actual wedding, and said that anyone was welcome to come to the evening bit where they had a party. That made me feel a bit better, if you know what I mean.

I just wish I was naturally more social. I often close my eyes and imagine what it's like to be outgoing and lots of people wanting to be your friend. I hate being shy and socially anxious. I have tried before at being more socially confident, but I failed miserably. I think I'm better off being quiet.

SiL invited for the wedding in the morning, and as it occured for the party-part at the end of the day, but not for the dinner inbetween that, that was strange too, what to do in between?

I remember the windy square where we waited, it wasn't known (to us) that we weren't to join the meal, but left to find out at the entrance of the restaurant that we weren't on the list.
I don't recall the party, probably we decided to go home with our toddlers.

Strange events happen!!

I completely see myself in your words Joe90 and I get how you feel. I feel like I need social contact... until I sometimes actually get it. I want to connect but either can't or find that I don't want to really - I just want to fit in and not be different. I have a mum that I believe is also ASD and she's the exact opposite. She always tells me not to care what people think but it's really not that easy for me. Haha I guess I might be a shy extravert and she's a blunt/loud introvert?

If it's any comfort, and if you really wish to become more outgoing and get more friends in your life, finding that you might start to do so is still something that could happen if you want that -- I only say this because I was like you when I was your age, and I was shy yet longing for more of a social life. A few years on from your age now, I actually started to stumble my way toward finding that I worked out a way to "come out of my shell" and start making new friends, going places, being invited to places. I actually managed to change my social situation.

I'm not saying that everyone should, or ought to, or has the ability or even has the desire; we are all different, and it's not even something some people may even want to do, as they are happy just as they are. For example, I now have become less social again, but this time it's by choice and I'm happy not being invited, not being social anymore, etc. even though I did really enjoy the years in which I both wanted to be and was more social.

But since you actively wish that you could be more social, I'm just saying don't give up hope, as I "became" more social when I was just a bit older than you and had your same desire to try to be. You might find that you will gadually find a way toward that also, since the desire is there. As we get older and older it can be very interesting some of the changes that either come upon us or that we manage to bring about in ourselves if there is something we want to change.

While also remembering that if there is something you just keep being anyway, that's okay too, if you come to terms with it being more "you" and a better fit than pushing yourself to be something you're not.

But if not, there's still time for you to morph into things you want to develop in yourself; there always is.