Having Your Cake And Eating It Too

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Over the years, I have researched literally thousands of threads on various Aspie Websites, written by both male and female Aspies describing their social lives (or lack thereof). One major difference I have noticed between the two is that the majority of female Aspies I have observed have social lives whereas the males don?t.

Socially, there appears to be no significant difference between the lives of many female Aspies when compared to their NT counterparts. You have relationships - friends, lovers, sex lives, one night stands, husbands, children, affairs, lesbian relationships etc. How is this different to a female NT's social life?

I have noticed, many will talk about being socially inept and not having social lives and yet, when looking back over their past posts, they discuss issues they're having with their friends, lovers, sex lives, affairs and how many partners they've had. Based purely on what is being written, there is certainly a huge discrepancy between what is being said and what is being done.

Men on the other hand (no pun intended), in general, talk more about their lack of being able to socialise, lack of relationships, non-existent sex lives, being virgins well into their 20's, 30's and beyond, still living with their parents as adults and not ever having had a girlfriend or been on a date.

This is not my opinion. There are literally 100's of megabytes of evidence - years of testaments written by the Aspies themselves. It?s easy to find (e.g. ?find all posts by ??). It's all there on the Internet for all to see; for anyone who cares enough to look - and let me tell you, after being shot down in flames every time I mentioned this glaringly obvious fact on a forum, that was certainly enough motivation for me to go searching for the evidence.

I'm not stating this to cause trouble. I just want this fact acknowledged. Aspie men are not like NT males! It's hard for us. It's also very unfair and to be shot down in flames every time this fact is mentioned just adds insult to injury. Judging by what I've read, the majority of Aspie males have horribly sad and lonely lives compared to what many female Aspies are writing about their lives. Unless you were in the same boat, you wouldn't understand and let's face it, Aspies aren't the most empathetic creatures around at the best of times so I guess I'll just have to suffer with no understanding or compassion.

This has become a Special Interest of mine and a very important topic over the many years I have been researching it and I can state with absolute certainty, there is a massive, palpable difference between the lives of male Aspies and female Aspies. Many women hate this fact being mentioned for some reason and get quite sarcastic and hostile in their response to it. I'd like to know why? To me, it seems like wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You don?t have to read too many ?adults only? threads (esp. female oriented threads) to become acutely aware that many female Aspies have very NT-like social lives ? they just don?t like it being pointed out because having a social life isn?t very Aspie-like. So it looks as though you can have your cake and eat it too.

I'm not entering into debate or childish banter on this matter. I've said what I have to say. As far as I'm concerned, this matter is closed. Say whatever you will!! !

RST

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cherry_pic ... fallacy%29

And have you even noticed the threads about the treatment of women on WP, and the talk about the attitudes on this board following the recent shooting? Your timing sucks. Try NOT posting during meltdowns.

I live in Australia. I'm not aware of the shooting you're referring to. Besides, I don't watch television or read the newspapers.

Google "Elliot Rodger" if you want to know.
I live in Australia, hate TV, don't even buy newspapers, and I knew.

Sure, you will find women on the spectrum speaking of managing to have some friends, lovers, even marriages. But what you, OP, seem to be overlooking is that these same women will ALSO post, either in the same post or in another discussion, that they have to LIMIT the contact they have with some or all of these people in their lives.

So while they may HAVE more people in their lives than you think the average male Aspie does, what you're overlooking is the female:

A) is often under more social pressure than men to have these people in her life and act like it's welcome -- this is because many girls are taught, overtly or covertly, to be the nurturer, the welcomer, the one who oils the social wheels whether they want to or not, because it's practically part of the "training" for motherhood and marriage......

B) she will find this socializing both enjoyable to an extent but also ultimately stressful

C) you are overlooking the extra stress, meltdowns and shutdowns that these girls and women may experience.

So even though it looks good "on paper" about how Aspie woman post about friends or men in their life, you're forgetting that they are often also posting about meltdowns and frustrations, and those friendships possibly being shortlived serial ones because they keep imploding.

I've always had at least a few friends in my life but to my distress they are usually in a "revolving door," with each friendship burning out in a very bad way because the person suddenly lashes out at me for a mountain of grievances against me that they had never even told me I was doing to them. One woman said to me once on our final horrible conversation: "You have hurt me a hundred times." I was STUNNED. I thought I'd been a good friend and pleasant company to her. It was ten years ago but I STILL keep wondering what I "hurt" her with.

Thus, I STILL have a "sad and lonely life" just like you!!

I've had bouts of "normal" social life and I've even been married -- but what do I have to show for any of it now?

I'm alone, I'm divorced, I still don't have REAL friends, and the one or two friends I have the most contact with are via e-mail because they literally live on the other side of the world from me since I moved. I have nobody REAL who actually cares about me in my life, I'm wondering what my funeral plan should be because there is literally nobody who would be there to bury me -- except for the local council authorities.

So drop being jealous of the women who talk about friends and husbands -- I'm one and look at my life and how little I have to show for ANY of it -- I'm doing no better than you are.

Because even the "NT like" social connections I've ever been able to make have all tended to be temporary, shallow, become awkward, and ignite in a total flame-out of angry words that end the association. In the meantime the social contact has often overwhelmed me so that any time I come home from some of it, I AM AGITATED FOR FREAKING HOURS IF NOT DAYS. And have to recover.

My relationships with men have been the same. Do you get the picture? So, just because women may manage to get these connections started in the first place, don't get too envious of that -- these very relationships often cause women on the spectrum as much grief, pain, burnout and stress as having no friendships at all may cause too.

And that's all I'M going to say as I can already see that this thread could turn into a very nasty argument right out of the Love & Dating forum, and I'm not going to play that game.

.

I don't have a social life. I don't date or have sex and I don't have any friends living in the same state as me. I barely leave the house.

Just because some men are so desperate they'll stick it in any woman that is willing and not completely hideous doesn't make aspie women better off. It just means they have better odds than an aspie male of getting a one night stand that will never see or speak to them again.

When I was younger I had a couple of boyfriends but they weren't serious. One only lasted 2 or 3 months and the other less than 6 months. They weren't exactly normal or any prize themselves.

Oh, look.

It's another, "Who has it harder?" thread. *gag*

I saw an example of this described recently. A researcher sent observers into classrooms who counted how many times the teacher called on girls and how many times the teacher called on boys. They then interviewed the teachers and asked them if they call on girls and boys equally. The teachers usually said that they did, and were genuinely surprised to learn that they called on boys significantly more often.

I'm female. I wish I had friends. Superficially OP I know my life might seem normal to you anyway.

Gender roles and socialization matter. For females it's socially acceptable to ask for help and I ask and get it in many if not most conversations. Males are supposed to be strong, not ask for help too much, not need it. I think makes a huge difference for being able to participate. Doesn't mean a single one of those women misses fact that I'm different.

Note: almost-17-year-old here who is biologically female (not much mentally, though).
I guess my social life is ok, but of the types of relationship you listed I only have friends. I have never had a relationship and I am still a virgin. I am in love with a guy but he doesn't love me back, partly because he is too depressed and anorexic to be in love with someone right now and partly because, this is what I think even if I am not sure about it, I am not exactly what a guy would be looking for.
No guy ever fell in love with me or liked me that way. Not even just for sex or for a one-night stand. I never go to nighclubs, bars, discos, loud parties with lots of people or those kind of places because I hate them. I don't drink, I don't smoke so I don't look "cool". The places I go to with my friends are anime conventions, heavy metal music stores and comic shops.
This social life started only when I was 15; I had no social life before.
My father is a male with Asperger's. He had a social life since he was 13, he never had any problems with relationships and finding a girlfriend, he wasn't even a virgin anymore when he was my age. The only problem he ever had with relationships is that his didn't last long because the gals thought he was weird and they broke up with him after little time. Not that he cared. He replaced them quickly. This went on until he met my mother (he was 18).

Thus ends another "whose got it worse" thread. It is obvious that both men and women on the spectrum have significant difficulties with relationships and a pissing contest on whose got it worse isn't going to help anyone, male or female.