Why do I struggle with asking questions during conversations

Post Reply New Topic

I know one thing about myself and that is I'm not a lover of asking people questions. It's always been an issue for me. Something in my brain finds it scary to ask people things during conversations, but I have never been able to put my finger on why I find it so hard. I know in my head the appropriate question to ask, but something in my brain doesn't want me to ask it. So I just say something about myself that's relavent to the conversation, and I worry that I might sound too selfish and not interested in them enough.

Like say if somebody's telling me about a vacation they've booked and said where they're going, I know in my head that it's the right time to ask ''when are you going?'' and/or ''how long are you going for?'' But for some reason I kind of back out of asking it, and I just inwardly hope that the person will just automatically tell me those answers, but sometimes they don't always, and sometimes people look at you as if they're waiting for you to ask for more information. So I think I'm getting out of asking them questions but still being able to carry on the conversation so I say something like ''yeah, I'd like to go there'' or ''yeah I've been there''. These are appropriate things to say in a conversation about that subject, but saying those and asking the right questions too will probably be the best, and will probably land me more friends.

Ohh, how do I contribute to conversations without being so scared to ask them questions? What is so ''scary'' about it? Does anyone else get this? I've had it since I was about 10, and I didn't know if it was part of Asperger's or if it was just an awkward and unique trait of mine.

I'd guess it has to do with shyness and social anxiety.

Speaking for myself, it's a mix of things: part lack of interest, part sluggish social processing (my mind goes blank even though I'm not anxious), part not knowing I'm expected to show interest.

This bit describes my experiences well (from http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/2011/09/su ... elief.html ):

I go blank or have slow processing. The questions pop up MUCH later (as back in school).

I don't like questioning people either. Maybe it's a....I don't care / it's none of my business....kind of thing.

This is one of my problems with socializing too. Another thing I've figured it's about is that although I may sometimes (far from always) know what might be socially appropriate to ask about, but still don't do it, is because I know that by doing so I am simply extending or initiating a conversation into an abrupt dead end. Except for the most obvious, concrete and expected questions, asking more open-ended questions that turn the conversation more over to "my responsibility" is just asking for an awkward situation because I know I would have great trouble following up the conversation any more than that, and just end up painting myself into a corner where I most likely won't even know how to respond appropriately to what they say back to me.

To me it's just too difficult to think out what to say in a completely open-ended social conversation because it requires quick, on-the-spot, back and forth social thinking that I don't have. I hate that it makes me appear uniterested and aloof to other people though, but I'm at least trying to figure it out and practice at it when I feel comfortable enough, even if it's a slow process.

Don't like asking questions of others in conversation. I have to force myself to do it most of the time. I would much prefer to give them a list of the things they need to tell me.

I find with myself that I am too busy trying to think of how to word the things I want to say in my head, that by the time I know what I want to say, the opportunity to say it has long since passed.

I know this problem very well.

I often find it difficult to physically get myself to ask questions to keep a conversation going. Not just asking questions about the subject of the conversation, but also asking about things that I really want to know about. I'm not sure why this is.

Like having conversations in general, I don't seem to have this problem through text. In general, I have problems with face to face conversations, but have no issues conveying my thoughts and feelings through text. My top hypothesis is that it's because there's more time for me to figure out what I want to say\ask.