I sometimes wonder if my mom is secretly disappointed in me

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It's stuff she says that hurts and it makes me wonder how she feels about me. She has said things like "they don't let their disability stop them" when I mentioned there are people out there with disabilities and mental illnesses who are successful. Then she starts telling me how many use it as an excuse and give up in life. Made me wonder if she ever feels I had given up and used mine as an excuse to not go to college because I had academic issues through school.

Today we were in my daughter's room and I made a joke that my car I had given to my mom in law is family proof because she and her son are the only ones who can drive a stick shift. Then my mom mentioned it was actually sister in law proof because she has crashed cars and I told her that was what i was telling my mom in law, she has been in various car accidents so what would be the odds if she wasn't at fault every time. Then I told my mother she has brain damage and I was about to say i wonder if it could be attributed from that. but my mom cuts me off and she gets angry saying it was just an excuse and too many people use their kids disabilities as an excuse telling them they can't do this or that. Then she said she wasn't mad at me.

That made me wonder if she thinks my husband uses his seizures as an excuse to not drive, the state won't allow him to drive. Some people are truly not able to drive cars because of their short attention span or sensory or because they are blond and some states don't allow deaf people to drive. But that might have pissed her off too and call them all excuses. Also didn't my mom tell me at one point in my life if you are not able to drive safely with a disability, you shouldn't be driving but then she contradicted herself here.

I also told my mother how my niece is going to school despite her disability and my mom seemed to take offense to it saying her disability is just her feet, it is no excuse to not go to school. I told her I was just trying to say she was still going despite of it because she just found something she could do. She is going for computer art. But my mo said again not going to school because of a disability is no excuse so that makes me wonder if she is disappointed in me. What about people who can't do college because of their learning disability or would she still think that is just an excuse so what would she think if someone had gone and didn't pass college because of a disability?

I feel I can't even have a decent conversation with my mother without her cutting me off or getting offended and raising her voice acting like she is mad at me and then she says she is not mad when i tell her I didn't mean to make her angry. I also can't stop thinking if she is secretly disappointed in me but I am afraid if I say anything about that, she might take offense to that too.

Also my mom can't seem to make up her mind about Asperger's. She brought it up in our conversation and I told her I didn't say anything about it, I only said brain damage and she goes "Oh I know, I am just saying if we did that to you, you have Asperger's, you can't do this, you would be just like your sister in law." She also told me you compensate, not use it as an excuse and that totally contradicted what she told me years ago when she told me how real aspies were more limited. it's like she cannot make up her mind about it and about my diagnoses. She says I just have anxiety and then she turns around and mentions Asperger's and then she acts like it was just a fake diagnoses we got from my psychiatrist and then she acts like it's a real diagnoses. She can't make up her mind.

As far as I know, I can't recall my sis in law saying she can't do things because of her disability so either my mom is assuming or my mom in law told her.

I don't sense that your mother is disappointed in you.

I sense that she seems sort of "ADHD" sometimes.

Oh I thought all parents are disappointed about their adult children no matter what. You know if we're disabled they're disappointed we couldn't accomplish more and make them brag to their friends; if we're wildly successful then we're too busy to spend time with them; if we got married and have kids then we're gonna ignore them for sure, when they're old we'll leave them to die on the street...etc. Sorry for being snarky, but that's just my personal experience and observations. Maybe it's because I'm Chinese. I know a girl who's smart, successful, and spent all her off time taking care of her ailing parents. Her parents in turn complained that she didn't marry and produce grandchildren. How the heck could she? There are only 24 hours in a day. I know just one Chinese person who didn't complain about her daughter. She (the daughter) was a successful business woman, married a very rich man and had a cute baby. She showered her parents with gifts like new car, a house. Few of us can be as lucky as that lady. I imagine if the parents of the most famous people are still alive they'd complain about their children working too much and not visiting.

The point is: don't worry about your mom. She's perfectly normal and thankfully very subtle. I've been told many times how much of a failure I am I just shrug it off now. My mom is a very good person who works hard all her life. She's also as NT as possible. She just doesn't get this autism thing.