Are you more of a forgiving or vengeful person?
As far as "Forgive and Forget" goes, I forgive quickly and easily, but I seldom forget.
I tend to remember nearly* every negative comment and motion that others make towards me; since I am psychologically allergic to negative emotions, however, this remembrance leads to neither anger or resentment but instead contributes to a greater understanding of "the way people work"...and occasionally makes me very, very sad because I always intend to assume that I am the one in the wrong.
*Or at least other people comment that I remember more than they do; my memory is far from hypermnesic.
Now, forgiving myself, on the other hand...let's just say that I occasionally hate myself for the mere crime of existing. It may be that I turn all of that rage that I am "supposed" to feel towards people being cruel to myself or to others inwards.
As Anne Lamott once said, "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die."
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I am not a textbook case of any particular disorder; I am an abstract, poetic portrayal of neurovariance with which much artistic license was taken.
I'm not forgiving. I can only forgive if the harm someone has done to me is minor, it wasn't done on purpose and that person apologizes to me about it (or does something nice for me instead of explicitly apologizing). Otherwise, I will hold grudge though I won't actively keep thinking about that person.
However it is the action (injustice, violence, deception, etc.) that is harmful and I can't let go of it.
I avoid people who don't treat me well. But if their behavior changes, it's like I forget all about the ill treatment.
^^^ pretty much that. I get sad though sometimes thinking about things others have done that are not nice.
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Diagnosed Asperger's
I tend to remember nearly* every negative comment and motion that others make towards me; since I am psychologically allergic to negative emotions, however, this remembrance leads to neither anger or resentment but instead contributes to a greater understanding of "the way people work"...and occasionally makes me very, very sad because I always intend to assume that I am the one in the wrong.
*Or at least other people comment that I remember more than they do; my memory is far from hypermnesic.
Now, forgiving myself, on the other hand...let's just say that I occasionally hate myself for the mere crime of existing. It may be that I turn all of that rage that I am "supposed" to feel towards people being cruel to myself or to others inwards.
As Anne Lamott once said, "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die."
This sounds a lot like me. Even when people make a comment that isn't overtly negative or is "a joke" it hurts and I'm likely to remember it. An example is when someone made a sarcastic remark and then said they weren't being serious after I stared at them like a kicked puppy. I just kept looking at them with hurt in my eyes.
Like you I get more sad than angry.
My first thoughts are often very vengeful however I end up always being for forgiving in the end. I am just a push over, have major conflict anxiety and don't have the guts to stand up to anyone so forgiveness is the only option. being vengeful does not feel right, it makes me feel sick and guilty. Then I fear what that person will do to me later. It means so much to me to have everyone be my friend, even if its fake and one-sided. Why am I so darn sensitive?
I'm forgiving when it comes to most things and issues. I can be the opposite when it comes to gender stuff. Being called "Lady" can put me into a state for a few days, because I wish to live my life as and be treated as a man. There's a certain song about that issue that resonates with me.
I squelch my tears a lot these days because I wish so desperately to be a man.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5b5n-a1cBk[/youtube]
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Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?
I don't know that I always forgive people but I'm not vengeful. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and I don't want to hurt anybody anyways.
As far as I'm concerned, you are a man, CockneyRebel.
It's always bothered me that people think crying is not manly -- crying is human, everybody cries. I was taught that it actually shows more strength to cry than to not cry, especially when you're a man, because of the ridiculous idea that men shouldn't cry. (I know it's more complicated if people are perceiving you wrong and crying would just make that misperception worse....not meaning to put you down or anything -- the opposite, really.)
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"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." -- Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky
Love transcends all.
I am a heterosexual woman and I have been called "sir", more than once, by men.
I have no idea why. I'm sure I don't look at all like a man.
I'm too lazy to be vengeful, and I generally have better things to do. I don't feel anything for people who do wrong and then experience backlash, though, especially considering how little justice there really is. A quiet resentment would be the most accurate way to describe it.
As far as I'm concerned, you are a man, CockneyRebel.
It's always bothered me that people think crying is not manly -- crying is human, everybody cries. I was taught that it actually shows more strength to cry than to not cry, especially when you're a man, because of the ridiculous idea that men shouldn't cry. (I know it's more complicated if people are perceiving you wrong and crying would just make that misperception worse....not meaning to put you down or anything -- the opposite, really.)
That's the most enlightened thing that anyone's ever told me. I take it as a compliment.
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Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?
I don't get offended easily and when I get angry at people it usually doesn't last more than a few hours. But this doesn't mean I forgive them. It just means their offense is not great enough for me to hold a grudge.
On the other hand when I get offended or really angry (that doesn't happen often) it can last forever and I can get really vengeful. Very few times in my life this has happened. When it has, the people who caused my anger are still regretting it; the other one who hasn't been punished yet, I'm taking my revenge against him soon.
I stew & stew & stew on stuff that happened days or weeks ago, and review in my head the stuff I should have said or wished I had said. And yes, I hate to say it but I do harbour thoughts of revenge on people who were mean to me or caused me trouble when all did was mind my own beeswax. I think to do that is human I don't mean physical revenge, more like verbal!
I wish I wasn't like that so much. Especially when I'm lying in bed at night stewing over something & I lose sleep over it - for some reason that's my brain's favourite time to plot some revenge that's probably never going to get carried out!
if someone sincerely apologizes, then yah i can forgive..... but that happens so seldom. but i've got some grudges that are decades old.
After an initial dark period during which I fantasise about running them over, driving a steak knife into them or smothering them with a pillow, I find I can usually forgive someone who has hurt me deeply. I've found it's much better when I tell someone honestly what they've done; most times, people didn't mean it or it wasn't personal, so it makes it much easier to move on. In a few cases, we've ended up better friends.
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"There once was a little molecule who dreamed of being part of the crest of a great wave..."
(From the story 'The Little Molecule' - Amazon Kindle, 2013)
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