Is trial&error the only way to learn if something's rude

Post Reply New Topic

Well, knowing wether or not something is wrong/inappropriate/rude to say or do. Is trial and error pretty much the only way?
What about saying "Please let me know if I've said/done anything inappropriate/wrong/rude", or if your planning on talking to someone asking someone else other than that person "Would it be wrong/rude/inappropriate to _____________? beforehand, or asking "What's the best way to _____________?
Do you guys do these things?

Trial and error pretty much summed it up for me, especially as a kid and young adult. I look back in horror at some of things I said to people in all innocence, sometimes trying to be helpful or comforting and accidentally doing the exact opposite. One of my classmates mother died when we were 10 and I tried to tell her to look on the positive side and gave her reasons why her mother dying could be a good thing. (( massive facepalm now )). My life was full of such clumsy communications. Even now aged 54 I'm still considered verbally clumsy and sometimes rude or too blunt; not by intention though. You just have to learn what offends people - assuming you can even tell.

For me, a lot of it is trial and error. But at work I do ask my colleagues before sending a potentially risque email if what I have typed is appropriate. Also if we're going to a meeting or something, I will often tell them what I'm planning to say beforehand and they will give me some tips or tell me if I'm just being ridiculously inappropriate. Sometimes it also works the other way, in that, if something slips out during a meeting - I can ask them afterwards, was that appropriate? And if it was I can go apologise to whomever I said it to.

For example, before one of our meetings started, one of the head honchos was in the room and we got to chatting about how she was engaged but her engagement ring was too big. She said she was going to get her ring resized and I replied "or you could just get fatter", in jest. She was kind of like :O and laughed, then everyone else laughed, but then after the meeting I asked if it was appropriate because I wasn't expecting her to gasp and my colleagues said that by telling her to get fatter, I implied she is already fat - and trust me, she's not, she's got the body of a supermodel. I meant that she should just put on weight and grow into the ring. So I apologised to her afterward and she was all good with it.

Most people that I have a close working relationship with understand that sometimes I just say/do weird stuff, haha. I have them to thank for allowing me to remain employed lol.

My parents taught me a lot of manners but I still have to learn a lot from trial and error. It's amazing how few social norms I actually know. I thought I was better at them because my parents were sticklers about manners but there are so many unwritten social rules that I still mess up all the time.

I would have never in a million years guessed that what you said implied that she was already fat. If you had said it to me I would have understood what you said exactly as you did and I would have found it funny. Maybe Aspies tend to think more like each other.

Manners, observing, trial and error, tv.

Though tv tells lies sometimes.. people don't seem to follow the same script.
I can now look at a scene and say, "as if."

I would interpret it as implying that the lady is not fat at all--but is a supermodel--and that the person wishes that the lady was "fatter," in a sense--perhaps expressing envy at her supermodel body. Who knows?

I've had to learn about social norms, and how not to offend people, through lots and lots of trial and error.