Why are so many on here married or have boy/girl friends?

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Birdsleep
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12 Sep 2014, 8:12 pm

The ability to form very strong and loyal attachments to one or very few special persons or animals is a part of the
autism spectrum traits. But a necessary condition is that such a special person is available and allows for such an
attachment to be established. That is the more difficult part, as that person often needs to take the first step to
make or encourage contact in the first place.
One thing that could maybe be helpful would be starting to think of yourself as an interesting person, whom you would want
to connect with, if you were someone else with matching interests. Once you get used to seeing yourself as such a person,
so will other people. I think that's how it was with myself as I got older and started to accept my inborn nature, feeling more at ease
with who I was. This change in 'vibes' gets picked up by others in your environment sooner or later.



qFox
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12 Sep 2014, 8:14 pm

russiank12 wrote:
Now, I'm only 18, but I've never had a relationship with anyone either and don't want to. I'm pretty sure I'm asexual and I just don't care for romance. It seems like it would take up to much energy to trying to get one in the first place, and too much afterwards to maintain it. I think I wouldn't mind one, if at least for financial reasons. Not in a gold digger way, but as in two autistics living together, sharing a house, finances, tt would help with loneliness...wait, would that just be a friendship?


To the basis of lasting love lies friendship and companionship.

You'll find that if you have really found the one for you, you'll get more energy out of the relationship than it will cost you. Just don't give up on it yet, even if it is much more difficult for people like us to find an appropriate partner it is still something worth fighting for.



L_Holmes
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12 Sep 2014, 8:17 pm

I've never had a girlfriend, and it seems I somehow drove off any girl who may have been interested. I've never done anything with a girl either, the most was that one time a girl held my hand. I probably won't find a relationship for a long time. Sometimes it does seem like many people are married or are in relationships, which is odd, but I think it can be explained by 2 things:

The people that are saying they are in a relationship are higher-functioning individuals who have less trouble with social interaction. Also, they may not have been the one out of the two who actively sought and started the relationship. It seems that there are more women than men on here that are in relationships, which would make sense because generally men are expected to take the initiative, so a woman may not have to put as much effort into finding someone (not saying this is always true, but in general probably).

Also, it may just be this trick the mind plays, and I don't remember if it has a name. Basically, when you are looking for examples of something you will find them, but you aren't looking for opposing examples and facts so you overlook them. It's like if you were going the speed limit on the highway, you might assume nobody else is going the speed limit because you only see the cars that pass you or that you pass; but you overlook the fact that anyone going the same speed will remain the same distance from you, so you will never see them.


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NiceCupOfTea
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12 Sep 2014, 8:20 pm

Woah!

4 pages... give me an hour to read, digest and reply... >.> Would've swung by earlier, but was watching a film on TV and then dealing with a crappy physical issue...



NiceCupOfTea
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12 Sep 2014, 9:21 pm

Have finished reading, but I was woefully optimistic about replying. Aside from the time, my crappy physical issue is getting worse, rather than better: it's getting harder to concentrate. (It's a partial obstruction if you really wanna know. Never get Crohn's, kids.)

Glad I made the thread now, though, 'cos this was a genuinely interesting discussion. Also pleasantly surprised that almost nobody took offense at my post. Would like to reply to all of you individually, but that would take far too long, so I'll just settle for telling you some more about myself... <_<. Tomorrow.

In the meantime if one kind soul could post in the meantime to prevent me from having 3 posts in a row, it would be appreciated.



superboyian
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12 Sep 2014, 9:48 pm

Really? I've always found that there were more people that were single whenever I seem to be on here?

Then again I'm in a long term committed relationship in process of eventually getting married, hopefully some time soon. :)

All my previous relationships pretty much sucked and mainly because there was an issue with me or they seem to have found someone better than myself. Even that to me was a depressing thought.


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mr_bigmouth_502
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13 Sep 2014, 12:19 am

There have been two occasions where I almost ended up with a girlfriend. The first one, she was crazy about me, and I was crazy about her, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to date her due to the age gap (she just turned 15 and I was 17 going on 18 ), and because she was already involved with another guy (who I couldn't stand).

The other occasion, I met a girl who I shared a lot in common with, and we had a decent friendship going, and I was crazy for her, but I didn't want to push her, and she wasn't interested in going out due to some personal issues. I sort of tried asking her out, due to my dad's nagging, but I felt this was a bad idea. When she turned my offer down, that's when I knew. Mere months after I met this girl, she seemingly disappeared from the face of the Earth.

I still pine for both of these girls once in a while, even though I am largely disillusioned with the idea of relationships due to the fact that I've seen too many, including my parents', break down in front of my own eyes.



MehruneMath
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13 Sep 2014, 12:59 am

I think I would like a relationship soon, preferably someone with similar interests.


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NiceCupOfTea
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15 Sep 2014, 8:00 am

Sorry folks, I forgot whatever it was I wanted to say. Too depressed to care. Think somebody pointed out the cynical tone of my post. Yeah, I am cynical. Seeing the ridiculousness and absurdity in everything is pretty much the only way I can function and even that is failing me at the moment. Life is too stupid to kill yourself for, but sometimes I just want to be done with it anyway.



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15 Sep 2014, 12:48 pm

My husband was not diagnosed when we met. I met him at 21, and his diagnosis didn't occur until age 50.

In his support group all the men over 40 have either a long term girl friend or spouse, or are pursuing a love interest.

Everyone under 30 has no spouse, SO or even the interest of looking.

My husband said this was brought up during a meet. All the 40 and up were diagnosed much later in life. They hadn't been through the special education mill through school, and thought they were either a) weird or odd, b) eccentric and never c) considered themselves disabled.

My husband said he has lived both as "just weird" and "officially diagnosed". Just weird does not exclude you from the dating people. There is hopefully another just weird swimming around in the pool and you will met. The diagnosis carries a lot of baggage.

The younger men really struggle on do you tell or not about the ASD. My husband never had that issue. There was nothing to tell, because he wasn't diagnosed. He's the same guy before the diagnosis and after.

Interesting to hear from men or women pre 1994 birthdate. I know I don't nearly touch my husband as much since his diagnosis, and thought I was respecting his space and sensitivity to touch. He told me, yes getting hugged or squeezed when unexpected is a little uncomfortable, but having me ask, "Can I give you a hug" is worse. That makes him feel more disabled and more of a loser. (?)

The diagnosis stripped the spontaneity out of our relationship, and we areally working to get that back.



ZombieBrideXD
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15 Sep 2014, 6:39 pm

ill admit ive had one real boyfriend, but he broke up with me because of my inappropriate behaviour and i got overwhelmed too easily. So, once boys get to know me, they notice something is off and usually leave, or stay and complain about my autistic tendancys even if i try and hide them.


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NiceCupOfTea
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15 Sep 2014, 7:06 pm

I'm less depressed now than when I last replied; but now I'm too tired to reply: literally can't win <_<.

I'm also a bit worried that thinking deeply back into my past and my (distinct lack of) love life may quickly re-trigger the depression, which is not exactly far away from the surface at the moment.

@Tawaki - Interesting that the young ones aren't interested in searching for a SO. I suppose I haven't been that interested myself, but in the past I made a few tentative forays into the dating scene, none of which went anywhere. Trouble is, dating sites just seem like meat markets to me. I would have to lie through my back teeth to have a presentable ad, and I'm not prepared to do that. Anyway, good luck in restoring the spontaneity with your husband.



Charloz
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16 Sep 2014, 10:33 am

Male, 22 (almost 23) here. Have gotten engaged about a year ago and planning to get married within two years when we are able to afford a good wedding ceremony and honeymoon. In the past I have been able to rather effortlessly 'get involved' with girls, but I never had an actual relationship before my current one. Making any form of lasting relationship, whether it be a friendship or a sexual relationship, always was very hard for me so it was always short-lived. Then I got lucky and met the right lady, but it still feels like I somehow won the lottery and it was a one in a million shot, to be entirely honest.



llee
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16 Sep 2014, 3:41 pm

NiceCupOfTea wrote:
dating sites just seem like meat markets to me. I would have to lie through my back teeth to have a presentable ad, and I'm not prepared to do that.

You're right with the meat market. They're like a supermarket and can be viewed as awful places, but you're wrong about having to lie to get anywhere.

I have some experience with pof and at one time my description was really bad because of depression but it didn't stop someone messaging me because she liked my pictures. We dated soon after that and she was fantastic. Best person I could ever hope to meet. We're not together any more but that's my fault.

I knew one girl who was a bit overweight, not the best looking to be fair and she got more messages in one month than I ever got. Women get attention on there even if they have no picture (I know, I did an experiment with a fake account) so no, you don't even have to try.

Edit: Forgot to say something else :) Hopefully, it's on point.

I thought it was a bit insensitive for Alex to have pictures of him at the top of the forum index with his arms around 2 attractive women. People who see themselves as foreveralones will be affected by seeing that every time they visit the forum.