Depression without the depression?

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Is this an aspergers thing? I see no hope, absolutely zero hope and I have a very very poor opinion of myself and for good reason. But I've never gone a day without laughing, dancing and smiling.

I hate this area, hate the people, see no hope. So what's the point? I must see a point otherwise I wouldn't be alive. But it's false hope isn't it? I feel despair without the despair. I don't wash, dress, leave home. But then again I just a wash and got dressed. I think on just a worthless idiot. And no, I don't want attention. I just want hope, and this is a liberty I believe I'm afforded on a forum for people with aspergers, do we feel emotions in different ways?

I see grey, and thick despair everywhere. I get most annoyed with myself when I don't, because it's disgusting false hope. I will never have any friends, girlfriends. I'm too much of a primitive piece of excrement. But I want to live, and love living. I'm confused, but then again I'm not.

I listen to music every day and get hope from it, such hope. But then I talk to myself about it and exhaust every single possible future talking point, that would and will never happen anyway.

I contacted the local autism place as advices by the doctor who diagnosed me. The doctor wasn't a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. But she still diagnosed me, is this correct? I'm fed up, but I'm not going to do anything about it.. I never do, and so I shouldn't. But I feel depressed, but then again I don't. But I do..

I don't get the severe depression that many people do, where I can't get out of bed, have no desire to eat (I like to eat too much) and just can't function. I am more like you, I feel depressed, very down, hate myself, hate my past, but still function ok. And I can't completely give up either because I do feel hope also. If nothing else, I have hope that I won't always feel this way, because there are times I don't. I felt really depressed yesterday, with some suicidal thought-nothing really serious-but felt much better today. Just getting on here and sharing my feelings and reading about other's experiences seems to help as well.

Hope you are feeling better soon. The only way to lose all hope is through suicide. Once you are dead, things will never change.

Depression is largely about lack of hope for the future. If you can't see anything good happening, it's difficult to get motivated about life. Laughing, dancing and smiling (and wanting to live) doesn't mean you're not depressed. People with depression don't always look mopey 24/7 - that's a stereotype.
I feel like I only have two mental states- depressed or not completely depressed. Is it because people with Aspergers have a limited capacity for joy? I don't know what this joy is that people speak of. What does happiness feel like?

Anything else? Moods like weather, it can be sunny outside even when there's no hope. Sunshine drags you through life even though you know for a fact that there's nk hope whatsoever.

You know, my therapist and I talked about this a few days ago. My "standard mood" is always depressed and then I have quite regular episodes of very depressed mood (when I don't feel like doing anything, don't want to live but don't really want to die etc.). When those episodes are over my mood returns to my normal level of depression (where I'm still really depressed but I can function) but I never reach neutral or happy or peaceful or whatever. I'm always low. Always depressed. I don't know what happiness feels like and I don't know what peace feels like. Is that what it's like for you as well?

Since I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's (1.5 weeks ago) my therapist told me that Asperger's might very well be the reason life's like that for me. She said that I, in comparison to other people, probably have a more difficult time recovering from things that I find difficult and that I probably get reminded of things I'm bad at (certain social situations etc.) very often (which is true), which probably leads to low self-esteem, which in turn contributes to the depression. So, I don't know if people with AS have a "limited capacity for joy" but AS might certainly be one of the reasons we feel this way. It might make us more vulnerable. Not saying that's the case for all people on the spectrum. I'm just telling you what it's like for me.

Yes! My depressed state can become extreme, where I don't eat or sleep or shower or do anything but cry and wonder why I'm alive at all. Then at other times I function quite well and do whatever it takes to get through the day but as soon as it's over my mood immediately sinks again. It's like I use this technique as a distraction from the depression but it's always there in the background.

Yes. AS do make people more prone to depression and anxiety than average people, and I have head/read, that AS people are more prone to get caught in depressing views and are not seeking joy with the same conviction or energy as the majority. It is often something, that has to be considered and worked on.

I am in kind of a limbo where I see no future for relationships friends ect but apart from serious depression a few years back after losing a family member I sort of exist with no expectations of anything that good happening so when good things happen it's a slight bonus and when things mess up for me it's expected almost,it must be a human trait of maybe thinking better things may come in the future maybe might as well carry on you never know,also I have kind of a weird fascination of wondering how screwed up or crazy things may get years down the line ,if that makes sense?. I try to keep my mood up by running and long bike rides in the country which is ok at my age of 40 now but maybe in years to come it will be harder to mantain the reasonably depressed ok mood.

Did you ever get help to process the loss? It shouldn´t rob you of life expectations for years!

I ended up on anti depressants and visited my doctor after the loss around 5 years ago but this wasn't the trigger for years of lossed expectations just a period of a year of real clinical depression,even before that I had a similar outlook on the future.I think only years ago in my teens i always thought that my life would all fall into place and be great but i guess as it didn't and I came to the realisation that I had aspergers ect around 10 years ago I just know i have limitations and I operate on a kind of flat line of emotions but I am content with that .

I see. Sounds a bit sad though.

OneTwoThree, you have a severe depression, it seems, -. and low self esteem.
It doesn´t have to be because of AS. AS just makes you more vulnerable and makes it even harder to see the light. Couldn´t you get access to counselling? Something gave you that depression and that outlook, and it wasn´t AS in itself.