Ideas on how best to help my 11 yr. old son?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi there,
My son was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 7. The diagnosis was based on reading a list of traits, most of which he had. His main spectrum behaviors include a general anxiety, mainly around feeling the need to be perfect, sensory stuff (likes to roll around on an exercise ball) and some emotional regulation issues around frustration. He worked with a therapist individually once a week for about a year and a half, mainly on the anxiety, and also was in a social skills group that met once a week for 2 years. Did these things help? He says "sort of."

Anyway, I'm posting because he is about to turn 11 and has lately been telling me that he is increasingly "worried about the future" although he can't say what specifically is worrying him. He is concerned that he accidentally "offends" people at school, and that some of the kids are nice to him only because he is different. This has been coming on for awhile but probably is hitting harder right now because we only just recently explained to him that he is different because his brain works differently, etc. and brought up the words Aspergers and Autism. Before that, we talked about his own challenges and said all of these things but without mentioning the label. Maybe now that he has a label he is feeling both a little relieved and also a little overwhelmed and scared. In case you are wondering, yes now I wish that we had explained things more and sooner. Of course he knew he's different. Of course he was/is concerned.

My question is to those of you on the spectrum, or parents of those on the spectrum: what types of things can we do to help him feel accepted and confident? Does cognitive therapy help? More social skills groups? Sensory work? antidepressant? Books? All of the above? None of the above? We love our son so much and we just want him to feel good about who he is. We want to give him the tools that he feels he needs to get along in society and feel less anxious. We can talk openly with him about this. I would love to know what has really helped others, or what do you wish had been said or done for you when you were this age?

Thank you for your support and ideas. I've learned so much over the last few years about autism in general and I've realized that some of the most amazing people in the world are on the spectrum.

If I knew, I'd help myself.

I can tell you what doesn't help, or what I've tried to no avail on that front:

Antidepressants helped with being too tired from worrying to do anything, but it didn't help the fear that I was a horrible, unlovable, unlikable, unwantable person because of my disease.

Antipsychotics made it so much worse that I developed additional conditions (letters to be determined later) and tried to kill myself.

Therapy that focused on fixing Asperger's made it ten times worse.

Embracing myself and being myself made both the Asperger's and the fear of it worse.

Continuing to live with it is causing me to develop serious burnout.

I don't know what WILL help. Learning to live with it seems to be the most productive, and least evil, of the things I've tried so far.

I share quite a few of your son's traits and while I probably can't speak for him I have to say that what helped me the most when I found out about my diagnosis (I was only a couple of years older than your son when my parents told me) was finding out as much as I could about the condition itself.

I personally would recommend offering to show your son a few books or documentaries to help him fully understand what Autism/Aspergers is and in turn help him accept what makes him different. Perhaps you could even introduce him to this forum if you think it would be right for him. It's helped me feel like I fit in a bit more and I always feel welcome here.

There's this http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/alistair/survival/
I found it helpful.

Cognitive therapy: Never did it, don't know much about it. Social-skills group therapy: Yeah, it helped, but only within the group; little application to the other parts of my life (in my experience). Sensory work: Never did it, don't know much about it. Antidepressants: Did them, made things much worse; ended up stopping them. Books: Definitely; the trouble is that there are only a handful of books aimed at adolescents. What worked amazingly for me at 13 years of age was enrolling to learn Taekwondo for a couple of years. Any martial art is 99 percent about developing trust, experience and wisdom. The one percent of physical competition is its own reward. I ended up learning confidence, socializing among my fellow students, working together, and seeing it all as a kind of chess game played out in exercise, not some back-alley brawl. All of those traits helped me immensely with my socializing and anxiety problems. Finally, I would suggest encouraging your son to spend a certain amount of his time studying whatever topic he chooses (video games don't count). Your writing suggested that this is already happening. My self learning changed my life. Of course, I did it secretly for years before I dared tell anyone, but if I had family and friends who had actively encouraged it, I would have been thrilled.

If you accept him, any of these things may help. And you sound like you do. When parents don't accept us growing up, it's really hard for anything to help, ever.

If you haven't already, tell him about some of the strengths that come with ASD, and about some people who have used it to their advantage, such as Temple Grandin, John Elder Robison, and possible Mozart, Einstein, and Thomas Jefferson.

Thanks so much for your replies!
BuyerBeware, hang in there! Your post makes me sad. Perhaps learning to live with it really means accepting yourself and your strengths. I'm sure you really do have some that you are totally overlooking!

Regarding martial arts, I have heard that this really helps a lot of kids (and adults) on the spectrum. Last time I tried to get my son to try out a class he had no interest and wouldn't do it. He typically does not have any interest in sports or physical classes of any kind. That said, he used to swim and I could tell it made a difference because after his swim class he would be in a good mood and his body was relaxed. Something about the water. I do think that there is a body/mind connection with everyone, including those not on the spectrum, and physical activity just about always seem to make a positive difference. I encourage him to swim, hike and sometimes he goes running for a mile or two with my husband.

Regarding his studying a topic, this is a current struggle. He does exceedingly well in school with almost no effort and can learn just about anything, fast, if he is motivated. However, currently all he wants to do is play MineCraft. All the time. And when he isn't playing it? Youtube videos, most about MineCraft but some are documentaries on other subjects. This is driving me crazy because I know he is interested in learning and there are so many interesting topics to explore, but he is wasting his time on MineCraft. Trying to get him off of it is like taking the drugs away from the drug addict! I think there are several reasons behind it: 1) He doesn't know what to do with himself and this fills the void 2) It's a safe place with clear rules and no awkward interaction. It's comfortable. Moving on to another subject, reaching out to explore something new, maybe feels risky and why bother if he has this self soothing technique. Think I'm on to something? I love it that you say your self learning changed your life. I want that for him but I can't force him.

Yes I think we will be reading some books together and eventually looking at wrong planet! I just ordered The Aspergers Secret Book of Social Rules for him. Maybe it will help. He is still confused about what it all means. Another kid in his class is diagnosed and last year read the book "Can I Tell You About Aspergers Syndrome?" in class. He remembered it and said that a lot of that book didn't apply to him so how can he have it? Hard for younger kids to understand this concept of there being a spectrum with similarities and differences, but then again we are just now starting to have more detailed conversations.

Thank you for the kind words Waterfalls:)

He is one step ahead of where I was at that age because he has parents who believe him. Of course, there was no Autism Spectrum when I was his age so I was just labeled a hypochondriac drama queen and had to just fend for myself with my issues the best I could.

Just the fact that you hear him goes a very long way. I think helping him become educated is a great start. With your supervision, I would have him come here. There is a teen section and we have a brilliant young man named Ezra, he is 14, whom, in my opinion, would be a fantastic role model for your son. But I would encourage him to come to this site and ask questions and talk about how he feels with us. We will completely support him.

It is difficult for you to do this as a third party even though you are his parent and he loves and trusts you. Having him be able to speak directly to people who have and have had the same experiences that he has will do him a world of good. Of course you want to be there when he is on the site because sometimes we do talk about adult subjects. But I think letting him come here and see that there are so many others who are just like him will be great. We also have the teen forum and he might find some friends there who can help him with issues at school.

And Welcome to WP, we are really glad to have you.

He may be more focused on minecraft and youtube videos if he is feeling increased anxiety. When my stress and anxiety levels increase, my need to cling to my special interests increase as well. Many of us love water as well. I LOVE water and I find it very soothing. It is also an escape from the sensory world. Swimming is a great sport for him and if he is willing to do that I would encourage it tremendously. I love many sports because I get away from the sensory world and I get to connect with myself and with the earth. The more time he can spend being active outside in nature or in water, I think that will help him.

I think we were very lucky to be little before video games and youtube existed. We did not get our first computer until I was in high school. I wonder how he would respond if you had no electricity to these electronic devices, if he would find an interest that would get him outside or doing something really constructive. If there is no power to the device, he can't blame you for taking it away.

Try to build physical activity into his daily routine. We cycle to school and back with our son every day. That's 70km every week. Now that he is 12, he does some of the trips on his own. The routine is so familiar that he'll insist on taking the bike even if the weather is horrible and if he could take a train instead. Additionally, since we made a conscious decision not to own a car, most other trips outdoors are by bike as well.


That's very good. Getting out of the door can be the hardest part. Getting ready to go out easily takes an hour, and sometimes stretches over several hours. All that is required is patience. I imagine NTs may simply find the level of patience required overwhelming or too disruptive to the other household activities.


It is a huge bonus if a child does not have to stress out over academic performance. I would not be too concerned about Minecraft and related videos. This is what most kids do these days, and Minecraft is amongst the most harmless games around. Our son has no access to any violent games, and luckily he has no interest in them.


I think here is a difference. Neurotypical children may be much less into autodidactic learning. My son watches hours and hours of scientific documentaries, reads the news, knows more about local politics than I do etc, and beyond that he often spends many hours playing non-violent video games. I'm sure your son learns a lot. I would only worry if the amount of screen time prevents daily physical activity.

When my son comes home from school, he has already cycled 14km, and I am not worried at all if he spends the next 3 hours at his computer.


I think the second reason is probably the really big one, not the first one. New activities need to be introduced in small steps. For an AS perfectionist, knowing that one is not yet able to perfectly perform a new activity can be the biggest hurdle before even giving it a first try.

We have backyard chickens, and our son must take care of them. Animals can be a great motivator to get kids outdoors. Plus people on the spectrum often find social interaction with animals much more enjoyable than interaction with humans.


Your son is already learning at immense speed academically given all the material he consumes. You need to teach him about the needs of his own body. Explain that exercising and eating healthy is essential to avoid problems later in life. Let him watch a few health related documentaries. He'll understand more than you may think, and with a bit of assistance, may develop very healthy routines.


I am not sure whether the labelling is helpful in any way. I've explained that different people have autistic traits to various levels, and I've never ever presented any of these traits as a disorder, because many of the traits have a very positive side, ... and because my behaviour is very similar . I would not know how to deal with a typical kid.

Throw any expectation of so-called normality out of the window. Seize the opportunity and learn about a new perspective. Every aspie is unique.

From my own experience growing up anxious, fearful, depressed & on the spectrum.. no amount of positive encouragement could have made my childhood & teenaged life much better. It just was what it was and my parents couldn't influence my brain functions by saying nice things etc. Understanding that is pretty valuable, IMO, as you shouldn't blame yourself for not saying the right things to help your child. No, they're not helpless either. There's plenty that can be done - just not much you can say.

If you haven't read it, read "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome," by Dr. Tony Attwood. It'll give you a much better understanding & insight into your son's perceptions & experiences of the world. It will save you a lot of frustration and miscommunication, too.

Re: Cognitive Therapy. I never accepted any from my GP when he offered. In hindsight, I should have.. I needed it. I've never done CBT verbally with a Doctor, but 2 or 3 years ago I read "Feeling Good," by Dr. David Burns & it's basically CBT in book form and I put myself through written CBT for a while. I learned a LOT and there was definitely value to doing it, however I also learned that it wasn't working for me as my test scores were getting worse over time vs. better. Eventually I discovered what was causing that and how to deal with it. The written CBT that didn't work as it was intended turned out to be immensely valuable because I had quantifiable proof that it wasn't working, that I was getting worse, and knew that there must be an underlying cause for it.

Social skills groups - no idea. I grew up with a few siblings, my cousins, neighbour kids etc so didn't really have a need for social skills groups. At the very least I always had my twin brother to play with.

Sensory work - not sure what types of work could be done.. although I do believe in the power of music therapy. I didn't have any formal therapy or anything, but for more than a year I had headphones in listening to the local happy hippy radio station on very low volume just to drown out background noise and reduce anxiety. I essentially used it as my own music therapy.

Antidepressants - no. I took some in my early 20's. They helped some for a while, but also had some bad side effects. Further pharmaceuticals that helped in the beginning actually made problems worse. I've described this in more detail in another thread.

Books - If he's up for reading it, he could benefit from reading Tony Attwood's book. I found it very valuable, but I read it at approx age 30 not 11. Read it yourself first. I've also read a couple Aspie autobiographies that were useful. They might be more valuable to adults, but if your son is up for reading those types of things he'd learn a lot.

More importantly, what I wish I knew at his age is what I've learned and done to treat my symptoms over the last couple of years. I've outlined it all in the thread in my signature. With what I've done between diet, natural medicine, herbal detoxing & probiotics I've managed to reduce all of my symptoms by more than 95% and am literally now living a second life. I'm happier, healthier, and wealthier than ever - and continuing to improve all around. I've learned a bit more since I wrote that thread, and there have been several other articles published that point in the same direction as I reported here. Research studies are now being done on intestinal flora imbalances & probiotic treatments for Autism. I've already done these things for myself and proven that they work very effectively. Anyways, please read the thread in my signature & if you have any questions about it feel free to pm.

My daughter got her diagnosis yesterday. She is 12 and actually attended the meeting in which we were told at her own insistence as she understood what was on the table as her brother has had a diagnosis for 6 or 7 yrs.

Getting the diagnosis seems to have helped already although she did try it on this morning saying she couldn't go to school as she was 'autistic'. In general though it's already helping as she can stop blaming herself for her issues and she is already realising that.

Like you, I think for her over the last few months we are finding the more we focus on doing positive things is more helpful. Initially we'd taken an approach of giving her space, being supportive, but perhaps giving her too much leeway and in the end she was cutting herself off. Once ASD was on the table, rather than just anxiety, it allowed us to get our head around things and our mindset changed.

Yes she looked like she had ASD but it does not define her anymore than being left handed does. Yes it is important and significant but not all defining. So we've focused on getting to join groups out of school, but so far not related to ASD. So for example, I'm disabled (and one source of her anxiety), so she has joined a young carers group. There is a real mix of people some of whom have their own issues (one has ASD also, one ADHD), some have siblings with ASD, parents more/less disabled than me and so on. The common factor is they all care for someone at home. It's a big anxiety for her and they all understand. She loves it. It's not about her issues, it's not even about caring. They do occasionally talk about caring but it's mostly an unspoken understanding. It just seems to allow them to focus on being themselves.

Based on her Young Carers experience that is what we are doing, letting her be herself, but gently getting her more engaged in life again. So for example me and her are taking up Archery. I'm having to do it from the wheelchair, which for me is a bit of a personal hangup. She knew I was only giving it a go for her and I've told her how grateful I am to her for helping me as I love it.

I'm not keen on medication, but would agree to it if a VERY convincing case could be put forward. However her issues are complex and my wife and I are in for the long haul so if the better approach for her long term health is going to take more time and effort then that's fine by us. I'm not suggesting that you or anyone else on here wants of views medication as a quick fix as everyone is different with different need and I'd never judge. However, I have come across parents that openly do see it as an easy fix, so its more of a generic point.

We're also doing some things like CBT which is helping. However in her case at least just focusing on therapies and solutions isn't the right approach. Yes it's part of it, but the focus for now is going to be about getting the best out of life which is perhaps the right thing for us all.

Oh, I'm also going to a 2 day conference run by Tony Atwood early next year. I've not read a huge amount of his stuff but I'm quite excited and really looking forward to it! He is very highly regarded so will happily share on here any highlights.

The young carers group sounds brilliant. You taking up archery with her is also fantastic. When I was just two years older than she is now, I started running full marathons with my parents. It was the most bonding time I ever had with them and training for those marathons together really brought us close in ways that nothing else could. And now, decades later those are some or our most cherished memories. My mom only did the first one with us but my dad and I trained for other marathons together the following year. I hope your daughter will cherish these times with you as much as I do those times with my dad.

Clever girl!! LOL!!

My daughter got her diagnosis yesterday. She is 12 and actually attended the meeting in which we were told at her own insistence as she understood what was on the table as her brother has had a diagnosis for 6 or 7 yrs.

Getting the diagnosis seems to have helped already although she did try it on this morning saying she couldn't go to school as she was 'autistic'. In general though it's already helping as she can stop blaming herself for her issues and she is already realising that.

Like you, I think for her over the last few months we are finding the more we focus on doing positive things is more helpful. Initially we'd taken an approach of giving her space, being supportive, but perhaps giving her too much leeway and in the end she was cutting herself off. Once ASD was on the table, rather than just anxiety, it allowed us to get our head around things and our mindset changed.

Yes she looked like she had ASD but it does not define her anymore than being left handed does. Yes it is important and significant but not all defining. So we've focused on getting to join groups out of school, but so far not related to ASD. So for example, I'm disabled (and one source of her anxiety), so she has joined a young carers group. There is a real mix of people some of whom have their own issues (one has ASD also, one ADHD), some have siblings with ASD, parents more/less disabled than me and so on. The common factor is they all care for someone at home. It's a big anxiety for her and they all understand. She loves it. It's not about her issues, it's not even about caring. They do occasionally talk about caring but it's mostly an unspoken understanding. It just seems to allow them to focus on being themselves.

Based on her Young Carers experience that is what we are doing, letting her be herself, but gently getting her more engaged in life again. So for example me and her are taking up Archery. I'm having to do it from the wheelchair, which for me is a bit of a personal hangup. She knew I was only giving it a go for her and I've told her how grateful I am to her for helping me as I love it.

I'm not keen on medication, but would agree to it if a VERY convincing case could be put forward. However her issues are complex and my wife and I are in for the long haul so if the better approach for her long term health is going to take more time and effort then that's fine by us. I'm not suggesting that you or anyone else on here wants of views medication as a quick fix as everyone is different with different need and I'd never judge. However, I have come across parents that openly do see it as an easy fix, so its more of a generic point.

We're also doing some things like CBT which is helping. However in her case at least just focusing on therapies and solutions isn't the right approach. Yes it's part of it, but the focus for now is going to be about getting the best out of life which is perhaps the right thing for us all.

Oh, I'm also going to a 2 day conference run by Tony Atwood early next year. I've not read a huge amount of his stuff but I'm quite excited and really looking forward to it! He is very highly regarded so will happily share on here any highlights.

There is a technique called "disclosing the symptoms". Instead of saying "I have Aspergers" He can say "loud noises bother me" or "I like to concentrate on one thing at a time" etc.


There have a specific section for Parents of Aurtistic children here.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum19.html
Of course you are welcome to post in any section

Wrong Planet Kids Creater
http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum15.html
Many here have found it very comforting to know others are like them and are going through the similar trails and tribulations.