A very extroverted mother.

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My mum and I are giving each other another chance to make our mother-daughter relationship work. I thankfully don't live with my mum.

However my mum is really, really extroverted. I am an introvert.

She made me agitated today and then carried on a conversation for ages. I ended up talking more than I am comfortable with (I am part-verbal). I started stuttering, vocal cords kept seizing, and cluttering early on in the conversation, but she didn't notice those warning signs.

Eventually I just said "I've got a migraine, I want to go home."

When I got home I had a two hour long meltdown: was screaming, biting myself, slapping myself and banging my head against the wall. It was only Clonazepam that calmed me down and then I went into a semi-stuporous state of shock afterwards.

My OT (mental health OT but she also knows a lot about autism) is going to talk to my mum about my autism in an appointment.

But can anyone suggest any ideas of how I can get my mum to understand that I:
1. Need at least 8 hours of solitude a day, that includes no phone calls or texts.
2. Cannot cope with being with other people for more than a few hours.
3. Am part-verbal so enforced long conversations are very difficult for me.

When I get agitated, I start talking too fast, and the words come out convoluted. If I am left alone to work on my computer on uni work, with minimal interaction, I am ok.

My mum was a chronic alcoholic for 17 years which has probably damaged her brain, so her cognition is not very good, and she struggles with logic (she is all emotion and no logic, as I put it), so it needs to be explained in simple terms to her.

Suggestions? I'm thinking of typing her an email.

SM, reading your post is weird, because it feels like you're describing word for word my relationship with my own mother.
My mother is so extroverted. She flings her arms around, talks non-stop and invades my personal space. I think she may be in the early stages of dementia because her behaviour is getting worse.
After her visits, I'm like you described. She makes me feel suicidal.
I don't know the solution. You could try an email. I've tried explaining it to my mum so many times I want to bang my head against the wall now. I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time she's hurting me and she doesn't even realise it. Mothers should care for their children, not make them contemplate suicide.
Sorry, I probably made you feel worse by all this. Just know that I know how you feel.

My mum is confused. I said I don't like the way animals are killed for Halal meat. Her response was (verbatim) "you are like a Jihadist". Huh?!?!

My mother is extroverted, but nothing like that at all. She's a born leader, very sensible and no-nonsense and practically the polar opposite of me, yet we're closer than ever since my diagnosis. I still remember when I was lucky I didn't give other people migraines from talking about my interests like someone who had just drank too much Red Bull. And that was during my "good" days.

Actually, if I drank even one can of Red Bull or any of that "energy" crud, I think my heart skipping every 10 seconds would kill me.

SteelMaiden, I was thinking about what we were talking about today with regards to our mothers not understanding etc and I had an idea. It might be a really STUPID idea and please disregard this if I'm totally speaking out of my arse, but -

A while ago I remember reading about 'super sensory workshops'. Don't know if you've ever heard of them but they're workshops designed to give NT's an insight into the sensory overload that people with ASD's suffer. They involved interesting methods such as dressing participants in hessian, giving them a pen with spikes to write with, shining spotlights in their eyes, exposing them to loud, conflicting media sources, flashing images etc. The idea was that people had to experience it themselves before they fully understood how overpowering sensory issues can be. I'm not even sure if these workshops exist anymore, but anyway -

That got me on to thinking about my music. I like heavy rock/metal/screamo type songs. My mother once heard some of my music and her reaction was to clap her hands over her ears, squat down a little and cry, "Turn that off! That's terrible! I don't know how you can listen to that! That would drive me insane!" In other words, she suffered a sensory overload from my music. Aural overload only, but still quite intense.

Then I thought about how I have the same reaction to my mother's incessant, mindless, bizarre chatter. I never tell her to shut up but it's tempting. I usually just suffer through it then fall in a heap after she leaves.

I wondered if you could use music to try and get across to your mother how her extroverted behaviour affects you? Like, could you get her to listen to something really extreme and explain to her that that's how it is for you when you get overloaded by listening to people talk in such an animated way for long periods of time? Then you could ask her if she could listen to that kind of music for hours without going out of her mind? (That's assuming your mother doesn't like that kind of thing, maybe she loves it, idk)

But anyway, it was just an idea. Maybe I think too much.

I was going to suggest writing to her too. I find that really helps me with my mother and even with my husband since he is also an extrovert and I am an introvert.

Maybe you can also set an agenda for your visits if you want to visit. Literally come with cooking timer and write down the topics you want to talk about and for how long. Then set the timer and when time is up it's up. Maybe you can even have an I'm overwhelmed and need a break card. When you feel like you are getting overwhelmed pull the card out and show it to her and just sit and have some tea.

I LOVE the idea of super sensory workshops. They should be mandatory for all NTs. And they should have to have refresher workshops every few years to remind them of what it's like.

Although I don't have meltdowns like the OP (I relate to Raleigh more) I know exactly what you mean. The anxiety is overbearing. I just about hold myself while I'm still in my mum's proximity, but as soon as I'm out of the way I break down crying. She doesn't understand that something so simple as forcing yourself to interact with someone when you don't want to can have a much more intense effect on some people than it would on her.

She just asks me why I can't just sit down a moment and do something simple that takes 5 minutes that any other person could do. I tell her I'm not any other person, but she doesn't understand. I think she thinks I'm either depressed or lazy.

Thank you for all the great suggestions.

I'll get my mum to listen to Marilyn Manson or Cannibal Corpse LOL. Extra loud. On my chunky headphones. That's an interesting idea.

I will ask my support worker if she knows anything about super sensory workshops.

And the timer is a good idea too. Although my mum usually ends up overriding that with blackmail.

I am going to reduce meetings with my mum to the absolute minimum.

I found the website of the author of the book I read about sensory workshops. American, but maybe they have something similar in the UK.
http://www.autismconsultingservice.com/ ... hops/c1eyy (look in services)
I'm glad you didn't find my idea about the music too weird. I'm at a low ebb in my depression cycle at the moment and my thoughts are spinning around out of control. I probably shouldn't be posting when I'm like this.