I keep thinking, what if I really don't have it?

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A while ago, I saw a psychologist for an evaluation, and the secretary had told me that I'd be having multiple appointments to get the full evaluation. I'm not sure what changed the psychologist's mind, but maybe it was the fact that he was so sure after the first appointment he didn't see it as necessary.

Basically, he used a packet which which was titled Asperger Syndrome Diagnostic Scale, and asked me a series of questions similar to those on the AQ, but there were just more and they were more specific questions about certain difficulties. I basically just was supposed to say yes or no if I'd had problems with them as a child or if I still do.

He gave me a little report, basically outlining the information I gave him about myself, and then the results of the scale he used. This is what it said:

Asperger Syndrome Diagnostic Scale

Asperger Syndrome Quotient; Probability of Asperger Syndrome
< or = 69; Very Unlikely
70-79; Unlikely
80-89; Possible
90-110; Likely
> 110; Very Likely

His score of 122 would show that Asperger's Syndrome is very likely.

Because of his Asperger's Syndrome, he does qualify for accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The rest was just about the different required or possible accommodations for people with AS.

Because I keep obsessing about it not being thorough enough, I decided to still do the full evaluation, to be as sure as I possibly can. So I have had my first appointment, and my next two will be December 22nd and December 29th, and then I will have one more appointment in January to discuss the results. But I just keep wondering, what would I do if the results came back as inconclusive? It is probably totally irrational, but I keep worrying about it. I hate having to wait 3 more months for the results of the full evaluation. I don't even know how many times I've taken autism quizzes, especially the AQ. I will always slightly change my answers while still being honest, as some I'm not too sure on, but for the AQ I have gotten 42-46 every time. The lowest score was 33 I think; that was when I was 16, and at the time I wasn't really aware of certain things about myself, especially my lack of social abilities, that probably would have raised the score.

But I can't stop thinking about it, and wondering if I'm really just misreading myself and my actions. I do feel like I don't understand myself very well, nor how I look to others, and I really over-think the questions, and it makes me think I might be answering totally inaccurately, even though THIS EXACT THING is another sign I have it. Stupid me, just believe it already!

How am I going to last these next three months without losing my mind?

So the psycologist has stated you have Asperger's Syndrome but you want to put yourself through more gruelling further testing to be absolutely 100% certain?

You are so autistic.

Have you ever asked yourself:

What is the meaning of life?


Some things have no definite answer.

As such, best of luck with your life. You seem like a very kind person and I would love to know you in real life.

IMO autism and Aspergers are labels applied by people to other people who look weird and are told how to look less weird, then looked at some more and told and taught more and looked at again and again. Some people will learn enough to appear normal enough to be rejudged as no longer autistic, especially by the many who believe autism and empathy cannot coexist, and who believe autism and intelligence cannot coexist. Some will not (or no longer) score as autistic on the ADOS, which is what's often used and which is very structured, but the interpretation of a particular action or inaction is still somewhat subjective by the psychologist administering the test. I think the question to ask yourself is do you think you have something else you want ruled out, do you think you had but might no longer appear to have AS, do you not understand (I know I don't quite) what it is that's being taught and labeled? Or something else? Because this is a neuropsychological or paychologic evaluation you're talking about having and there will be some level of subjectivity. Maybe very little, but some. Certainty is going to be a very tough thing except perhaps in people fully assessed at a very young age with no complicating factors. Good enough is good enough.

From what I've read once in a while from other members here on WP, your feelings of doubt even after having it confirmed by a specialist that you have Asperger's is actually not uncommon. It seems to me that I've run across more than one WP post where someone has said they feel this way for a while. I did too!

After I got told that everything suggests clearly that I have it, I actually asked more than once "Are you SURE?" Are you sure I do?" And this, even though before my assessment I myself had no doubt in my mind that I was on the spectrum and that I felt confident that I was going to hear a confirmation once I got assessed. But when I actually DID.....I was just like you! My every thought suddenly became "Really? Are they sure? Maybe I was wrong, maybe they are wrong, maybe I've "fooled them", maybe I was fooling myself" etc etc etc. I was suddenly filled with doubt, at a time when I should never have felt so sure because someone qualified to say so had actually said so. Three weeks later my full report was sent and when I read it it even stated things like "clearly shows" blah blah. Before, I had even gotten myself ready to have my diagnosis say "possibly but inconclusive" or even an outright "you don't have it.".

So, just to tell you all this stuff because I too suddenly thought "Do I really have it?" even though the moment had arrived when I was told "yes you do." I think it's a common experience, so don't worry too much. I think the diagnosis and confirmation you have already received should be enough, and this further testing may not be needed. But if you feel the need to schedule them, you should if it makes you feel more comfortable about things.

I think this is a case for the reasoning behind: "I am a person with such and such," rather than "I am such and such."

One is a person first, as far as I'm concerned. People who put a label ahead of their "personhood" tend to let the label rule them.

There are many people with many "labels" who are succeeding. I have found that most of them are able to place their label into a secondary position vis-à-vis their personhood.

I'm that way too I think that way not only about whether I'm on the spectrum but many other things too I always want to investigate and make more sure about something I obsess about it

I've been officially diagnosed twice. The first time, I rebelled. Didn't believe it but then, years later, I got (re-)diagnosed with Asperger's by a different Psychiatrist who had no knowledge of my first diagnosis. Then it became rather hard to deny.

After I finally accepted my diagnosis, AS became my Special Interest so I did the online tests and they definitely confirmed it. Apart from that, I read all I could about Asperger's and all of the people's personal accounts sounded very much like my life and THAT'S when I knew what I had!! ! I now feel at home knowing I'm Autistic!

Now, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT!! ! And I love having it. Sure, the rough social interaction can make life hard at times when I'm forced to be in those situations but they don't happen often (and I don't care about socialization) and I really cherish the benefits (I now realise AS is responsible) that I have like Eidetic memory, honesty, hyperfocus, original thinking (seeing things from an original, "left of field" kind of thinking), PROBLEM SOLVING from a perspective NTs just can't see for some reason.

They say, we see things (problem solving) from a different angle because we were never bound by the same social perspectives and that our minds were allowed to grow and build our own ideas without influence by NT rules, standards and their preconceived notions (meaning, we're free to think on our own behalf, not influenced by preconceived ideas or thoughts of others.

I can't think anymore at the moment. That's all for now. If anyone finds this useful, similar to their experience or informative, well let me know and I'll (probably) elaborate! (but I bet you don't!)

Last edited by ImAnAspie on 27 Oct 2014, 6:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You will survive because you have an autistic mind and the autistic mind is a beautiful thing. If you're anything like me you'll research the topic to death. You will seek out and complete every Asperger's related test you can find, even if you've done them a dozen times previously. Then you will have lengthy and animated conversations with yourself covering every possible eventuality and how you will respond to said eventualities. You will live on thought alone for the next 3 months. You cannot lose your mind if you're using it.

I know what you mean about the diagnosis, though. I chose not to get the 'official' diagnosis and I still wonder if I should have. It would serve no purpose other than make me certain in my own mind but I think our autistic thinking needs that 100% certainty.

Last edited by Raleigh on 27 Oct 2014, 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow, what a way to put it. You sum up Special Interests very well! I usually say I eat, sleep and sh%t my Special Interests. They do have a tendency to take over your life, don't they?!?! I love 'em!! !

Can we agree to disagree? I have autism. I have cancer. I am [a proud] Autistic that is fighting cancer. I am not fighting autism. It is a part of me. Cancer is not. It is m enemy. being Autistic is part of what makes me incredible.

I believe I have started one or more of these threads myself.

Let's see, immediately after I was diagnosed, I posted this thread, Just Diagnosed, yet somewhat Skeptical (Long) <click>.

Then, I spent the next year (well, actually a bit more than a year) wondering if the diagnosis was correct. I even started therapy to, among other things, get a second opinion. After my first session, I posted this thread, What can I expect from Therapy? <click>.


ROTFLMAO

Yep, sounds about right this is probably why I haven't already gone insane at a much earlier point in my life