I want to stop feeling this way

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I?m really struggling with my thoughts at the moment and want to ask if anyone has advice how to deal with this. I cannot stand having my 13 year old stepson stay at our house and my aversion to this is getting stronger and stronger so that now it?s affecting my thoughts every day. It used to be that I could relax after he left but now as soon as he?s gone I?m dreading the next time he?s here. He stays from Friday evening to Sunday evening every other weekend.

I?ll try to summarise why I don?t like him but there are many reasons and this has been building up over the 6 years my partner and I have been together. It?s stressful for me to make meals for him because he won?t eat what we eat so I have to make different meals which is confusing for me as I struggle with multitasking. Even when I make him a meal he?s supposed to like he usually leaves some. He?s caused loads of arguments between me and his Dad because for 4 years he was wetting the bed almost every time but refused to wear a nappy then he would put his sheets in the laundry bin and make everything stink, it was totally disgusting. He doesn?t seem to do personal hygiene so always looks dirty and his hair a mess which embarrasses me when I have to be seen out with him. Because of this I always want to clean everything after he?s gone and don?t like him touching my things but he often seems to go out of his way to touch things I?ve tried to hide. He even used my hairbrush without asking.

The other problem I have with him is that I feel he is not interested in his Dad?s side of the family. It seems he only comes round to get gifts at Christmas and his birthday then he goes and spends the day with his mother and her family. I am glad of this now but this is part of the reason I dislike him and wouldn?t have such a problem with him if I?d felt that he wanted to spend time with his Dad from day 1 but he doesn?t, he?s just using him.

I?ve tried to tell my partner how I feel but not the full extent as often it causes a row. He said I have to draw a line and get on with his son but I don?t know how to do this and cannot help how I feel. There is more to this than what I?ve written here but it would be too long if I wrote everything as there?s so much that winds me up about this kid.

Does anyone have any advice please on how I can get through this event and not be dreading it every day of my life? I know that antidepressants will help and I?ve decided that I will take them if there?s no other way but I don?t want to do this before my ASD assessment in March next year as I?m worried that if I?m too chilled out my ASD traits won?t be visible and I won?t get the diagnosis I want but I don?t know how I?ll get through another 5 months of this hell as I cannot function properly because of it.

He needs to draw a line with the kid and tell him to shape up a bit, to respect the way you keep house and stop using your personal things. Getting on with someone does not mean indulging that kind of behavior.

You are able to observe some processes that your partner cannot because he is inside the structure. It may be impossible for him to hear what you are saying.

You could try to get a third party to observe, validate, and then try explaining to your partner, but there's no guarantee that will work either.

You might want to keep your stuff locked up and give him is own laundry hamper that sits beside where he sleeps.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry I know I don't articulate very well, especially when I'm stressed or unwell, which I have been both for the last 5 weeks and so things have got worse it's not usually things considered personal that he touches, although the hairbrush is a personal thing. It's mainly things in my kitchen cupboards, tea, coffee food packets etc. because of my ASD I don't like anyone going in my cupboards. I know this sounds stupid and that's why my partner won't accept this. I can't tell stepson about my ASD because if his mother found out she'd use it to hurt us in some way as she has been trying to do for 6 years. Also I don't want to tell people about my ASD anymore until I'm diagnosed because people don't believe me and just tell me that I'm making excuses for my failings

Fortunately he no longer wets the bed but he does do other stuff to wind me up every time he's here. I worry everyday about the stress he'll bring, if we will argue because of him again. Whenever I look at him I remember the arguments we've had and will continue to have. To someone without ASD he probably isn't that bad a kid, however my family don't understand how frustrating it is for me when he puts things back in different places and I can't find things and when he there in the room when I want to be alone. I know I should try to make conversation but I'm no good at this. Often he will ask at the last minute if he can have a friend stay, which isn't a massive problem for most people but for me it is a big deal and I worry a lot about this happening.

I don't think there is a solution to this if I want to be with my partner, I need to deal with his son coming round but I do want to be able to stop worrying about this for the 11 days a fortnight that he isn't here. I'll be happier if I can find some way to be able to do that.

You´ve probably been thinking everything, I write here, but I´ll write it anyway.
1. He´s 13. Many boys at that age prefer the freedom of being dirty. Wait till he falls in love with a girl
2.He has been a bed wetter. That is probably a brain maturity thing. Some kids leak. He is not to be critisized for that. Using a nappy probably feels like a humiliation for a growing boy.
3. He only "uses his dad" and prefers his mother and her family. Many kids have difficulty accepting the new spouse of one of parents, and are angry at that parent. Parents play different roles to children. The parent of same sex is a model, whereas the parent of the opposite sex is the caregiver - traditionally spoken. In this case the boy may revolt against his dad and his partner (you) and idealize his Mom.
You know all this, but remember, he is still a child. Wait it out.

He is locked in a very complicated situation just like you, only, he is emotionally dependant on both parents. His disdain for you and his father is masked anger.

Set some simple limits. Simple demands. (wash hands, take bath, etc.) Be firm about them. Show him appreciation and be prepared to offer him support in a neutral way, if he should turn to you one day.
I think, that is, what I would try.