New NT needing help! understanding Aspergers boyfriend

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1obie
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09 Nov 2014, 10:07 pm

Hi. I am the NT a man with Aspergers for almost 4 years. He is early 50's, never married, no children, plenty of girlfriends but non that have lasted more then a year. I was a bit concerned at first being divorced from a 14 year marriage and having at time 9 year old son. He's very smart ( lawyer) attractive, and nice; kind hearted gentleman. At first he seemed like a typical fake like monotoned pitch in his voice but intriguing:) then by second date awkwardly forward? Openly say something after a second date but not like the sly slick player type? it was as if a unexperancied teenager ask when was the last time you had great x,.? Out of know where. Awkward but adorable. Them tried making out with me sitting in a lounge a few dates later and the best kisser I had ever kissed:)! But wrong place. I always found his monotone voice interesting and had thought he had been practicing law too long,) but if continued and even years together he would call and always say "Hello, T this is J if you get a chance call well that's what I know" and hung up. I thought doesn't he know I know who he is?? After awhile it became so aparent that he had something. And going into an unfamiliar places-book store had him uncomfortable Almost causing him to make a low wining noise. He is a bit clumsy and walks sort of this way, he has a very strick ruitine. He has no real laughing highs, no angry lows, seems to handle stress well or hides it well? Other places would do this as well. And he told me he did not like socializing in certain places. He has become very good at law small talk with other lawyers and clients. Always in his comfortable surroundings.
He rarely shared topics of anything else until he purchased his farm, this was our place, non law that I saw this man light up. I knew from early on he had something but it wasnt until my physician friend and her husband having Aspergers had met my boyfriend that it became aparent a year into our relationship that he had Aspergers. But did he know? How could I talk to him about it. I felt he needed to only because of the issues we were already having. Over time due to him having some not so great with married male friends, being a bachelor that be it he sabotaged his past relationships or they left due to not understanding him as the relationship grew past the first few fun dates, that they all ended. He wasn't faithful though to many past girlfriends and really pushed my limits in the beginning. But we got through the first year, and I saw this man as awkward at times as he was I loved him more than I had ever loved someone prior. He got closer to me, but there were things along the way that he thought was no big deal.
This past February while in Vegas he decides to tell me that being I'm not being able to go to an event due to me having my son, and keep in mind an event with many of his co-workers and clients that I've finally established a friendship with and known for 3 years his girlfriend, he has someone he will take. I ask who? He said just a Friend. He said *they* know the person being nominated. I was able to price it together and ask your ex-girlfriend? He said yes why? Not a big deal we dated years ago. And when I ask him out of shock again and told him how inappropriate and disrespectful this was to me, he was flustered and could not understand why I started crying. And when I continued to cry due to his lack of caring he said I must have a mood problem condition. We returned home I left. He still took her to event. We got back together but the way his company looked at me was now as I was just one of his dates, no longer his partner..
His life from the beginning ( first year into our relationship continued to see and talk to other woman) but we both grew to love each other he got very close to me. I almost loved this man unconditionally. Here was our relationship
Non son week- he worked 7-7 home around 7:30 I would leave my home to meet him at his. I made dinner, brought to the sofa. Asleep by 9. He's gone the morning before I got up. This would be 3-4 nights this week.
My son week- we/ I only saw him on Sat night around 6:30 I mad dinner and he used to stay the night. He would leave by 6. Get up and say I have to go I've got to get to work. Sunday am
Saturday and Sunday he bike rides for four hours so I saw him at 7 Sat and Sun non son weekends. Sum it up., ( I apologized I'm hurting)
He works M-F 7-7 sometimes later
Sat and Sun 6-2 then left to ride if weather was bad he worked weekends until 6:(
We used to go to a movie and dinner it got to where that stopped. He would say he wanted to stay in to watch his college game on our only Sat together. Stopped asking if I was ok with it or what would l like to do? He just planned and did what he wanted. Every Thursday and Friday he would meet his co/workers after work until 9pm.
One Friday he sent a text asking if I wanted to come over at 9 and sadly I finally lost it in a text back saying how tired I was of being last on his list. Bars every Thursday and Fri there is never anytime for me/us. I feel unloved, and no longer wanted. He came in his door my things I had at his home were packed and I ask him to please sit and talk to me for a min he still didn't get the clothes asking me did I buy something finally I said no they are my clothes from up stairs. The look on his face he said I have friends and if you have a problem with it we have a problem and walk away? Would not talk to me, has not called nor responded to email or text. Finally I called I ask him if this is what he wanted? he can't say it? He just said I have to think about it and hung up.

Sorry to pour my life story on here but first I want to say I had never met anyone prior to him with Aspergers, I am still learning but had no idea how he felt, thought, or after 4 years and a son that likes him he has just disappeared. Coming from the NT in the relationship that wears her heart on her shoulder, caring, nurtured and cared for this man. Even helped him overcome his social anxiety in uncomfortable surroundings, was patient, and at times I feel I have made excuses for him having Aspergers. It may be that they are not able to lie ( can anyone on here comment because I feel this is debatable) but would avoid the truth and change the subject. Are most all Aspies faithful? I questioned this as well. Sadly he had many woman in his life and mostly because of his wealth. So many have taken advantage of him, even possibly hurt him. I feel even though I know this man like no other, and being the closes person ever in his life including family- his mother abandoned him and his sister when they were young leaving them to self raise due to their father being an severe alcoholic. I've been the longest relationship he has had. He opens doors, an old sole. But somewhere down his road he seems to not respect woman? Has cheated on thoughs in the past, wreakless trips to Vegas with unhealthy married men. At home he was a very differant man, even child like at times;) I cook, we watched most of the same shows ever night he liked but I didn't mind. Routine time to bed. Some would say boring but Never did I feel this, it just became a very lonely place. Please feedback on this but after all of this I had decided to send an email to his personal account telling him how I care and not sure if he knows or not but I feel he has Aspergers and ask that he read the attached links and articals on Aspergers I started by telling him that I was not being mean ( because he says I am when I saying anything about anything that he feels isn't pleasnt) nor am I trying to fight.
I told him that I love and want him in my life but if he chooses to not try to understand what is happening and how I am feeling there is no way we can be together and regardless of decisions moving forward, I love him enough to want him to be happy with or without me and feel the articals will help him possibly validate or understand him and help him understand how I have felt.
This relationship has left me feeling unloved, was never kissed again, never once told I was loved, and with not knowing what he had or how to address anything with him, I was lonely in love with someone and left I was floating the relationship alone. And being he has completing shut a door without any communication not even closer, a feeling of abanament of myself and my son.

I welcome any comments and suggestions? I am so broken from the experiance that I could want to better understand hear from one with Aspergers as well as others, the NT.



MadHatterMatador
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09 Nov 2014, 10:49 pm

Where can I download the cliff notes version?


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auntblabby
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09 Nov 2014, 10:59 pm

hiya 1obie :) welcome to the club 8) it sounds like you have your hands full of aspie male who might be similar to myself when younger, "at the upper-end of moderate-functioning." meaning, he can take care of himself and do his job with some aplomb but is seriously lacking in interpersonal functioning outside of work. am sorry you are in this situation.



beady
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09 Nov 2014, 11:27 pm

I don't know if its a prevalent aspie trait but I do not become attached to many people. I didn't have very loving parents. I don't know if its was just who they were or that they just didn't connect to me very well because I was different, a female when they wanted a male, and not as cute as my elder siblings.
I dated quite a bit but as soon as any relationship became problematic just moved on to the next one.
I am relatively attached to my children and was quite attached to my husband until I found out stuff about him that was devastating to me. Beyond them I just don't feel that sad if a relationship doesn't work out.
This is the way I see it....
It sounds to me as if the relationship has been on the decline and this event in Las Vegas enabled him to walk away. The whole drama of Las Vegas was probably not that big of deal, your relationship was ending anyway. He saw these issues coming between you two and didn't want to stick around and work them out. It's easier to move on to the next one.



1obie
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09 Nov 2014, 11:30 pm

MadHatterMatador wrote:
Where can I download the cliff notes version?


Well, im sure they will come.. I guess the book should read... "Men are from Aspergers woman are from NT" by the way this is only to be funny. Please do tell? How do I a NT relate to an Asperbers man? I really want to understand!



1obie
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10 Nov 2014, 12:22 am

I'm really not trying to do anything other than hopefully hear from you guys that have Aspergers. And woman the NT in an Asperbers person. I'm on here to hear from the best! Thoughs that experience it as a family member in a relationship with the Aspergers partner, and just as we'll the men having Aspergers relate to him, but more help others like myself

Thx



auntblabby
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10 Nov 2014, 12:30 am

1obie, I believe you will find good people here that you can touch bases with and see eye to eye with. :thumleft: :thumright:
you will find a range of people here from moderate-functioning to high functioning and beyond. each has something one can learn from. I learned a lot from being on here these past 4 years or so. :) you will, also.

btw, I also feel I must give you a bit of a heads-up- go into PP&R with caution. it can get testy in there.



okiechick
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10 Nov 2014, 12:56 am

I am married to a 43 year old successful man with Asperger's. We have challenges communicating sometimes, but Asperger's is no excuse to cheat. I do know that having a relationship can be exhausting for my hubby. He doesn't always understand my emotions or reactions, but he would not take another woman to an event. We have just made a conscience effort to talk through these things. Good Luck.



1obie
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10 Nov 2014, 4:04 am

okiechick wrote:
I am married to a 43 year old successful man with Asperger's. We have challenges communicating sometimes, but Asperger's is no excuse to cheat. I do know that having a relationship can be exhausting for my hubby. He doesn't always understand my emotions or reactions, but he would not take another woman to an event. We have just made a conscience effort to talk through these things. Good Luck.


I thank you. I believe he's wonderful and love him very much but his or or ,aye doesn't even really know whst a healthy real relationship feel or looks like... I hope to hear from him.

Again, thank you for your post:)



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10 Nov 2014, 7:04 am

It sounds like you'd like to be together with him? Can you talk to a counselor with or about him? If he really doesn't understand what upsets you, he might try to do things differently (though I wouldn't hold my breath) but like anyone, if approached from the spirit of "I'm sure you didn't realize how you came across". "How could you not know" kind of brings on defensiveness. I'm not criticizing you, just saying you are upset in the moment and for hIm to have positive relationships that's something he needs to look at And think "what can I do when someone acts upset with me". And the answer is to listen to the person and take seriously what they say. But I think he'll listen more easily to someone else than to you because he's just acted hurtful my to you, doesn't understand, and probably thinks is unfair. Because of not understanding.



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10 Nov 2014, 7:26 am

I can only give opinion, but I would let it go.

If you had dumped him for breaking what you felt was an exclusive relationship, and he returned truly mystified why and willing to make changes to get back together, there might be a chance. But it doesn't sound like that. You are not dealing with a behavior that is an aspect of autism. You are dealing with a unique personality that happens to be HFA, who does not seem to wish to settle down with one person.



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10 Nov 2014, 8:04 am

TLDR version: What toy soldier said.

People with an Aspergers diagnosis are an extremely diverse group. What they have in common is that they meet the diagnostic criteria, but compared to the vast inner universe of each of us, the criteria are a tiny thing.

What can be said is that people with ASD, including people with Aspergers Disorder, are notably different than other people in the way they process social and emotional communication, and in the way they engage in certain patterns of physical behavior and mental activity, and that these differences are strong enough to cause them real difficulty in their interactions with other people in many contexts.

The part that is perhaps personally relevant to you is the processing of social and emotional communication. The difficulty varies from one autistic person to another, but it is comprehensive in it's impact. This means that it results in impaired perception of the emotions and social context of others, an impaired imagination of what those things might be both in other people an in the autistic person, and an impaired ability to communicate about these things with others.

Once you understand the perceptual difficulty, the other two are fairly logical consequences. How can a person imagine a thing they don't perceive? How can a person communicate with others about things never experienced in a language never perceived. It's like imagining a conversation with cetaceans conducted entirely in sound pulses outside the range of human perception.

In some, these impairments are relatively mild: they are bad at these things, but have them to a greater or lesser extent. In some others, they may be almost totally absent. It's a mistake to try to generalize from experience.

But the important thing for you is your relationship with this particular man. This wasn't a relationship with his autism, but a relationship with him.

You say

Quote:
this relationship has left me feeling unloved, was never kissed again, never once told I was loved
...and yet you say you want this to continue... this seems very strange to me. It sounds like a bad relationship for you--one that did not meet your basic emotional needs. Why would you want more of this?
Quote:
I was lonely in love with someone and left I was floating the relationship alone.

I think it would be a mistake to imagine that inside him is the man of your dreams, just hidden behind a mask of autism and if only you knew how to treat the illness the inner prince charming would emerge.

I think it would be much better to imagine that he has been quite direct with you and he did not say "I love you" because he did not feel "I love you" and find a relationship with someone else who will love you and communicate with you in the way that you need.

I think you should seek some counselling for self-understanding. It takes two to make a relationship, good or bad, and I think you would do well to consider your own role in entering this bad relationship and interacting in unsatisfying ways with this man. You may discover valuable and liberating things about yourself.

I am sorry to read that you are in distress and I hope things get better for you. I don't think it will help to cling to the memory of this bad relationship or an imaginary version of this man.



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10 Nov 2014, 8:10 am

MadHatterMatador wrote:
Where can I download the cliff notes version?


I wonder is there a paper back version. :D



Waterfalls
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10 Nov 2014, 8:19 am

You identify as NT but are you confused often about people's behavior? I was just wondering if that could be a factor, do you think?



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10 Nov 2014, 9:39 am

The most important thing that the OP should know is that she can neither change nor cure him -- he will never be a romantic "Prince Charming". So, she had better get used to playing the role of an emotional martyr.


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