New NT needing help! understanding Aspergers boyfriend

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1obie
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10 Nov 2014, 11:07 am

Well said.. I have to explain that knowing this man well and not feeling the need to hear it due to my being in denial, he does/did love me just could not verbalize it? He once said he had never told *anyone* ever that. Last year he wrote ihe loved me on a card attached to flowers. I may seem seem harsh or ? Thst here she loves a man but findings all of his flaws. And yes, counseling is needed after this relationship more in how I now feel about myself due do his very honest comments to me as well as others. Close to me then acts as though I'm an acquaintance. Back and forth. And the Vegas incident. He truly thought nothing of it..good morning Aspergers. Yes, I made a final decision to leave but hope to have him in my life as very least as a friend someday. A sweet wonderful man, I just feel the need to better understand him..Aspergers. Is it that one can turn off a love relationship and not feel the emotion as a NT would? Or how does it *feel* differently having Asperbers.














quote="Adamantium"]TLDR version: What toy soldier said.
People with an Aspergers diagnosis are an extremely diverse group. What they have in common is that they meet the diagnostic criteria, but compared to the vast inner universe of each of us, the criteria are a tiny thing.

What can be said is that people with ASD, including people with Aspergers Disorder, are notably different than other people in the way they process social and emotional communication, and in the way they engage in certain patterns of physical behavior and mental activity, and that these differences are strong enough to cause them real difficulty in their interactions with other people in many contexts.

The part that is perhaps personally relevant to you is the processing of social and emotional communication. The difficulty varies from one autistic person to another, but it is comprehensive in it's impact. This means that it results in impaired perception of the emotions and social context of others, an impaired imagination of what those things might be both in other people an in the autistic person, and an impaired ability to communicate about these things with others.

Once you understand the perceptual difficulty, the other two are fairly logical consequences. How can a person imagine a thing they don't perceive? How can a person communicate with others about things never experienced in a language never perceived. It's like imagining a conversation with cetaceans conducted entirely in sound pulses outside the range of human perception.

In some, these impairments are relatively mild: they are bad at these things, but have them to a greater or lesser extent. In some others, they may be almost totally absent. It's a mistake to try to generalize from experience.

But the important thing for you is your relationship with this particular man. This wasn't a relationship with his autism, but a relationship with him.

You say

Quote:
this relationship has left me feeling unloved, was never kissed again, never once told I was loved
...and yet you say you want this to continue... this seems very strange to me. It sounds like a bad relationship for you--one that did not meet your basic emotional needs. Why would you want more of this?
Quote:
I was lonely in love with someone and left I was floating the relationship alone.

I think it would be a mistake to imagine that inside him is the man of your dreams, just hidden behind a mask of autism and if only you knew how to treat the illness the inner prince charming would emerge.

I think it would be much better to imagine that he has been quite direct with you and he did not say "I love you" because he did not feel "I love you" and find a relationship with someone else who will love you and communicate with you in the way that you need.

I think you should seek some counselling for self-understanding. It takes two to make a relationship, good or bad, and I think you would do well to consider your own role in entering this bad relationship and interacting in unsatisfying ways with this man. You may discover valuable and liberating things about yourself.

I am sorry to read that you are in distress and I hope things get better for you. I don't think it will help to cling to the memory of this bad relationship or an imaginary version of this man.[/quote]



Kurushimi
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10 Nov 2014, 11:13 am

I am an NT with an Aspie boyfriend. There are many hurdles that we have had to overcome, but he would never cheat on me like that. I have PTSD, and he gets frustrated when I get triggered, but he separates himself from the situation and makes a genuine effort to understand me because he loves me. It must be really difficult to be in your situation. But, my advice would be if the relationship is more hurtful to you than enjoyable then you should leave it. I don't think that Asperger's is a free ticket to be an as*hole. Fortunately in my situation, we are both willing to make accommodations for the other person as needed. But in a relationship where only 1 person is willing to do that, it cannot work. Feel free to message me if you would like to discuss things more in depth. I know it is really hard at times, but if he is the right one, than he will be willing to address your needs as well. If he is able to hold down a position like he has, I am guessing that he is more aware of human dynamics than not. Good luck. I hope that he can realize that he has someone who is willing to go the extra length to understand him.

My boyfriend is diagnosed, if that makes any difference.


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auntblabby
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10 Nov 2014, 7:37 pm

or cut her losses and try again with somebody else more suitable.



Waterfalls
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10 Nov 2014, 8:42 pm

People try hard sometimes when they meet someone to make them happy. And sometimes as time goes on, they stop trying so hard. That's not restricted to any neurotype just look at divorce statistics. He may have loved you but once upon a time he tried harder to make you happy than he does now. He could have Aspergers for all I know. But a partner who stops trying to make you happy is just that: a partner who stopped caring to really try to make you happy.