Calling people on nonverbal incongruence

Post Reply New Topic

Here's something I recommend for all my fellow Aspies and spectrumites, and there's a good chance many of you have already tried or done this:

To get more practice in expected neurotypical communications, i.e. the "polytropic" nature of NTs to focus attention on factors other than the spoken word, simultaneously, have you ever called people out on nonverbal congruence? Such as "you seem to agree with me on this, but I'm sensing otherwise, by the way you're looking down with your shoulders hunched" or "ok, you say you're interested in this, and you say you're taking it seriously, but then why are you smirking like that??" - I have used these lines before, and usually to good effect to "clear the air" - but just had one bad experience with the latter, it was in my early 20s when I wasn't yet diagnosed but knew that "something was up" and when I called an acquaintance on it in a club one night, him and his friend denied that they was smirking or treating what I said derisively and for me to "please, continue" (with same smirk) so I just said "forget it", waved my hand and walked away. I was angrily confronted by them soon after in the bar, he gave me the "What did you just say to me??!" getting up in my personal space, and I replied meekly that I just told him I had nothing more to say, that it wasn't important - what do you think I said?? - his reply was "let's put it this way, I've beat the s**t out of people who said less than that to me" - so then I backed off saying, wow, I'm sorry, I didn't intend any offence, obviously this was misinterpreted, and managed to get my way out of it.

All of which is to say, that unless your interlocutor is a bully, who's ostensibly pissed off because they thought they could take advantage of your "emotional dyslexia" and you proved them wrong, they will not get angry with you for calling them on non-verbal incongruence. What I do dislike, though, is that from females they tend to deny anything is wrong when you point it out, which I suppose is just the way they're brought up

Just this week, I called someone on their "nonverbal incongruence" and this person said I was wrong. I trusted this person to tell the truth, but I did not understand how I was wrong because I *could not* understand the facial expression or tone of voice. I believed the person, but still felt confused.

Later in the week, I recognized the tone of voice in my husband and realized I used the same facial expression. Yet, I do not know what I would call it.

In short, I am probably misunderstanding. But letting someone know that I am not understanding something often leads to better understanding. I have not had anyone get mad at me as yet. I suppose they would if I *insisted* that I was right. Also, if I accused instead of questioning or being apologetic, that could cause a problem.

I agree. It can be very helpful to just ask what people mean.

I was surprised by this thread because the title sounded more confrontational. I think of calling someone on something as intrinsically confrontational. I think of it as associated with catching someone in a lie or error. Maybe I am wrong in this.

Anyway, I think it's a good idea to get clarification on what is meant when you see that something is being indicated br you don't know what.

they all are.

There are few exceptions, even though there are few who will act out with significant aggression.

Those are the kind of guys I love using for a punching bag. What a prick, he wants to fight someone for saying "forget it" when he was the one being a sarcastic dick. People get a little alcohol in them and you can't call them out for anything, they can be making whoopie with a goat and god forbid that you have anything to say about it. They get really incongruous and sarcastic, and then sometimes I get really calm and methodical I know it's kind of childish of me but it does feel good to vent some frustration on one of these idiots maybe once or twice a year.

Probably why I don't go to bars much any more. I'd rather drink somewhere that the alcohol isn't way more expensive, there aren't strangers everywhere, and there aren't drunken punks who think they've got something to prove. "Who said less than that to me" as if he's so high and mighty, that's all well and good until someone doesn't come at him with a winging wide punch like every other drunken brawl he's had, and god almighty isn't that a wonderful look on his face when you drag him into a clench and cut his ear open with your elbow. Then all of a sudden Bruce Almighty, Mr. "I've killed for less" is too busy blubbering and wiping away blood to say a condescending little remark like that again.

I don't posture, so have been treated like a lop, before.

I don't call people on their body language but assume it is more accurate than verbal cues.

I have been able to predict, to a tee, what someone is going to do, several steps in advance.

I say it, plain as day.

It happens.

And, noone believes what they were just told and saw with their own eyes.

Being right, and even non confrontational, will not necessarily make you the winner in the eyes of others.

My understanding is that anything other than submission is treated as confrontation.

Almost no one sees a criticism for what it is, but they see it as a threat.

This constant aggressive testing of one anther comes from a very primitive part of the brain. Many other groups of social animals display this behavior of constantly testing each other.
They are probing for a weakness so that they can move up in rank. If a leader of a group becomes ill or incompetent, then this mechanism assures a quick replacement.

It is sad that people cannot see this in their own behaviors.