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selin
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28 Aug 2015, 11:31 am

Can you *ever* tell if something you have said was maybe rude or insensitive a little after you have said it or do you mainly rely on others to tell you?

When I was a teenager I mostly had it pointed out to me when I was rude but now (at 24) I often think I might have said something that sounded slightly inappropriate, awkward or rude and I notice it by myself. I wondered if anyone else found themselves to be "clumsy" in this way, i.e they make a mistake, realise afterwards and think "oops...that might have come out wrong". This might be due to being able to read others to some extent i.e you gage from people's responses to you that maybe what you said was rude. This doesn't seem very autistic, that is why I am asking. I would imagine someone on the spectrum to mostly have it pointed out to them. I suppose some of us can read people's expressions or pick up on feelings to some extent, just maybe not in the same way that allistic/nonautistic people do.



Joe90
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28 Aug 2015, 11:44 am

I occasionally do, but not enough to be a noticeable quirk of mine to others. When I get a bit carried away with joking around, I sometimes come out with something what I wouldn't say is rude exactly, but is rather inappropriate, and I immediately know that I've said something inappropriate by the other person's reaction.

Like the other day me and my boyfriend were talking about decorating his bathroom, and a relative of his had painted his bathroom wall a couple of years ago, and I asked him if she will be hurt if we painted it a new colour, as he's not too keen on the current colour. Then I joked by adding, ''maybe we can just tell her we accidentally had diarrhea up the wall which ruined the wall so we had to paint over it!'' And he tutted without smiling or saying anything, which I knew meant ''what the hell are you talking about? That is so inappropriate!''

I do wish I hadn't said that. :oops:


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eggheadjr
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28 Aug 2015, 1:26 pm

Saying things others might find rude is part-and-parcel of being on the spectrum.

Part of my diagnosis from the doctor says "...Eggheadjr's communication is blunt but correct...". People laugh when they read that about me and usually say that the doctor was being polite.

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KaylamiYarne
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28 Aug 2015, 1:48 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I occasionally do, but not enough to be a noticeable quirk of mine to others. When I get a bit carried away with joking around, I sometimes come out with something what I wouldn't say is rude exactly, but is rather inappropriate, and I immediately know that I've said something inappropriate by the other person's reaction.

Like the other day me and my boyfriend were talking about decorating his bathroom, and a relative of his had painted his bathroom wall a couple of years ago, and I asked him if she will be hurt if we painted it a new colour, as he's not too keen on the current colour. Then I joked by adding, ''maybe we can just tell her we accidentally had diarrhea up the wall which ruined the wall so we had to paint over it!'' And he tutted without smiling or saying anything, which I knew meant ''what the hell are you talking about? That is so inappropriate!''

I do wish I hadn't said that. :oops:



Oh my god I laughed so hard at that. Find comfort in the fact that were I there, I would've found your joke hilarious and not inappropriate in the slightest. You just made my day a hundred times brighter.



redrobin62
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28 Aug 2015, 3:48 pm

<--- Notorious for blurting out rude, inappropriate things which people soon make him regret saying.



selin
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28 Aug 2015, 5:08 pm

i'm asking, do you ever realise it by yourself, or do you rely on other people to explicitly tell you "that was rude" ?



selin
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28 Aug 2015, 5:11 pm

I'll give an example.
Someone I know told me they memorised every single word in a Harry Potter novel. From the first page to the last. I said "that's nuts..." then when i just got blank expressions from people, and no response I thought "uh oh that was probably quite harsh..."
i.e i should have just said "wow..." instead of "that's nuts" which sounds quite negative. I have some social anxiety as well so...I often reflect on whether things i said were rude or inappropriate.



LilZebra
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28 Aug 2015, 5:23 pm

selin wrote:
Can you *ever* tell if something you have said was maybe rude or insensitive a little after you have said it or do you mainly rely on others to tell you?


Yes, if I say something that is true, but perhaps I shouldn't have said it to a woman, she'll end up crying/tearing.

My excuse is that I'm being "true to myself"... I can't help it.

I think NTs typically bend the truth more often, and perhaps don't "offend" people and so don't end up getting in trouble for things they say...except that AS people know that the NTs are lying.


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starkid
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28 Aug 2015, 6:34 pm

selin wrote:
I would imagine someone on the spectrum to mostly have it pointed out to them.

It depends on how severe they are and how mature/experienced they are. Even the most clueless person can learn what is considered rude over time.


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ToughDiamond
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28 Aug 2015, 8:34 pm

I think a good touchstone is the "harm principle." Many groups consider some harmless behaviours to be "rude," and I don't recommend trying to adjust to such judgements unless you really have to or if the adjustment is fairly painless to comply with.

I prefer to relate to people one-on-one, where the question of rudeness is less likely to crop up, as the concept of rudeness is more of a group consensus thing. When dealing with an individual, I think it's usually enough for each party to just communicate their feelings about any unwelcome behaviour of the other - "when you do that I get annoyed because....." - and to bargain their way to a reasonably harmonious understanding.

Frankly I'm wary of the term "rude," because it's rather judgemental and presumptuous, and it attempts to invoke a group consensus, perhaps as a way of ganging up on an individual, though I sometimes use the term myself, when it's pretty clear that somebody's behaviour is so negative and hostile that very few people would find it tolerable. Even there, I think I'm better off arguing my case without using the term, and I think it's usually possible to do so effectively.



dianthus
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28 Aug 2015, 9:17 pm

What people consider rude is subjective and depends a lot on a person's background and preferences. Like for instance what is rude in one family might be normal in another. It can also vary a lot according to the type of environment you are in. I am usually pretty sensitive to those things. But I cannot alter my natural personality to the extent that I will never offend anyone.



nick007
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29 Aug 2015, 12:43 am

I mostly rely on feedback to determine if I was rude or not.


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olympiadis
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29 Aug 2015, 1:01 am

I'm pretty certain that within the hive mind, there is a significant amount of logic that is intent on "shaming" other people either individually, or via a group dynamic. It's part of "gaming" for leverage when interacting with others.
If you can think of a way that someone has been rude to you or offended you, then you can then "shame" them and gain social leverage points.
This directly supports hierarchal structures.

Any neutral assessment of information does not support hierarchal structures, and is avoided, or discarded as useless by the hive mind.



redrobin62
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29 Aug 2015, 1:34 am

Mostly it's people who tell me that what I said was rude or inappropriate.



Joe90
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29 Aug 2015, 4:08 am

My intuition sometimes tells me immediately after that what I said was inappropriate. But mostly I go by people's non-verbal reaction. I don't usually need people to tell me something was rude. I have intentionally been rude before because of being in a bad mood or something, and I was told afterwards that what I said was rude, but I already knew that.


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