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ProfessorJohn
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10 Dec 2014, 4:03 pm

Most of my life, while single and not in a relationship (thanks Aspergers!) I always felt like I was being looked down upon and stigmatized for being a loser. I have had people tell me that probably wasn't so, but I still wonder and feel like I was. Are single people really stigmatized by most others?



QuiversWhiskers
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10 Dec 2014, 5:18 pm

Back when I was still single and had the worst of the problems I have I felt that way often. Stigmatized as not being a whole person or as being mentally ill and not being a valid person or someone someone's son should marry. Some of this impression I had may have been amplified by my own insecurities. I, too, had people tell me that probably wasn't so but I didn't believe them and still don't, looking back. I think they say that to be nice or to try to comfort you.

I have heard things said about single people that allude to some sort of personal insufficiency.

I wish I hadn't worried so much about it back then. It seriously damaged my mental health and self-worth, further contributing to my social difficulties.

My best friend from high school has a lot of AS traits and she is still unmarried. She gets really depressed about it sometimes, naturally. She goes to a singles' group with her church and I think some other things. She tried some dating sites for a while but felt a lot of the guys on there were creeps. I think she tried another site recently.


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agwood
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10 Dec 2014, 6:32 pm

Let's put it this way: women who are happy for a casual encounter are, 9 times out of 10, not the most attractive to look at (and that's me putting it nicely). The ones that do turn men's heads are only interested in men that fill that certain gap.
That's what I think most people miss out on. There's some kind of weird pheromone thing that will determine if someone will be a good partner for you. I'm deadly serious. There have been scientific studies that show these chemicals can cause the brain to relax, and make conversation easier.
This is why some people have trouble leaving abusive relationships, because although their partner is mean, there's still that 'connection' there.
And it would also explain why several people on this forum with Aspergers have had successful marriages and families over the years!

You can be the most chatty, dominant, athletic person in the world, but at the end of the day it really doesn't make much difference. Like in sales, it's a numbers game. Some people really are more biologically compatible with you than others.
I suppose where people with Aspergers fall short is that they don't meet as many different people because of the nature of their condition. This is where the psychological therapy/social skills training becomes useful.



ASPartOfMe
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11 Dec 2014, 2:26 am

For me while I never felt stigmatized but I have been very aware the world is not set up for me.

* attitudes and language offensive by 2014 standards will be used in the following paragraph*
I do not know the current situation but there was a huge double standard. When man was in middle age dating young women he was living "the bachelor lifestyle", a "player" a "lucky dog" . They were complements. If a woman was single past 25 she was an "old spinster", "old maid" . She must be "fridged" or there must be something wrong with her genitals


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anthropic_principle
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11 Dec 2014, 2:56 am

everyone's stigmatized



Apple_in_my_Eye
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11 Dec 2014, 3:27 am

I think so. I was reminded recently when I was at the dentist. I asked for an anti-snoring mouthpiece -- because I need all the sleep quality I can get. After that (I was in and out for 3 days -- there was a lot of work), the assistant was noticeably nicer. I guess that's part of thing where people are more interested when you're in a relatrionship.

It kind of ticked me off. It's never my first reaction to decide whether someone is "above" or "below" me, but that doesn't seem the norm at all.



Jensen
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11 Dec 2014, 7:12 am

anthropic_principle wrote:
everyone's stigmatized

Absolutely, but I must say, that I was stigmatized as a young/younger person and often got brushed off by remarks as: You wouldn´t know, would you! (like: Stay out of the discussion) or "Wait till you´re in a relationship yourself!" (Like: Then I might accept your views). The family pressure (not parents) was something too (Uh! Is she LESBIAN?). Luckily that is all over now :D


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