Looking back to your childhood...

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So many thanks for your thoughtful replies. I stopped getting notifications for the thread so just came back and saw all the replies. I want to take time and go through them carefully but, I just want to say a big thank you for this input. It is already helping me on the path to being the best mom I can be.

I wish they didn't always side with my brothers against me.

I wish they didn't always call me stupid and make fun of me.

I wish they had paid attention to my personal hygiene and grooming and dressed me appropriately when I was too young to know better for myself.

I wish they would have been emotionally supportive of me when I was abused at school or play.

I wish they would have taken my fears and terrors seriously instead of something just to smirk about

When one of my loving pet would die - I wish they didn't blame it on me for no reason and tell everybody that I had killed another one of my animals.

I wished they could have grasped that parents have some serious responsibilities to even their most troubled child.

I wish they had made a lot more money and were just like the parents of Oskar, In the Movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - played by Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 29, so no one knew I was autistic when I was a kid. A few of my elementary school teachers knew there was something "different" about me. One of them suggested to my mom that I may have ADD (this was in the early '90s), but my mom didn't believe her. She just brushed it off as "He just learns differently. His teachers don't understand him." What's really frustrating is that even though I had a lot of trouble in school, no one tried to figure out a solution.

I was in a special class in third grade, but when I recently asked my mom why I was in that class, she said she didn't remember.

Looking back on it, I'm kind of pissed that my mom (and teachers) could see that I was struggling in school, but didn't really do anything to help. As a result, I feel like a lot of the potential I had was not recognized, and my school years were wasted. I'm not trying to say I'm blameless when I got into middle and highschool, but I feel that if I had been diagnosed as a kid, I would have had the support that I obviously needed to help me succeed academically and socially.

I wish my parents wouldnt have pretended I'm like everyone else. I flapped my fingers and paced and didnt make friends, and a whole lot of other things, and yet still they pretended I'm like everyone else.

I wish they wouldnt get angry at me for not being able to make friends. I wish they wouldnt have ordered me to 'to visit a friend - now!' while opening the door. I wish my mother wouldnt have screamed at me when I was seven or eight, "Run after your friends," when she saw two other little girls I barely knew walking ahead of me, deep in conversation and obviously not wanting to be disturbed.

I wish they wouldnt have criticised me when as a small child, I listen to a children song about a little girl who cried because her friend wouldnt show up, and I asked my parents why she was upset, and they said because she isnt like you, having no friends and not caring about anything.

I wish my mother wouldnt be so against me wanting to learn self defense. it was ok for my brother, but not for a girl.

I wish they'd have gotten me a pet. (Beware of cats brought in stores. they have genetic diseases often and die young, and aspies cant stand losing a pet. get a feral, not from a shelter because they might have feline aids or leukimia, contagious among felines. discuss those concern with a vet you trust).

I wish they'd have respected my reluctance to be touched sometimes.

All said, my parents were good parents, and so are you. just the fact that you posted this shows that you care. we all make mistakes. shouldnt be too hard on yourself.

please do show admiration for all your little aspie's special abilities. tell him about albert einstien and bill gates and temple grandin to build his self esteem. encourage his special interest and get him things that have to do with it, whatever it is. show interest in it.

I don't remember being close to my parents as a child but I remember I was so close to sibilings, cousins, my special intrests and school life so I never thought about my parents very much

I understand regret about the past, though I no longer wish things had been different. They were what they were, nothing can change it, finally I accepted that - and there's freedom in that. It did take a long time. Decades. Though now I am a much happier person - it is what it was, I survived, I am grateful for those who helped me survive terrible things. It made me stronger, not weaker. I look back at the horrors and sometimes think, there must have been an angel sitting on my shoulder, or I wouldn't be here now. And that's not hyperbole..

They should have never allowed me to use a public school bus, or go to a public school.

One thing I remember was a lot of arguing, especially loud arguing. It's painful to deal with as a child.

I think arguing loudly and forcefully in front of children, whether they have AS or not, is damaging. This doesn't mean you can just shut the door and argue. The child will pick up on problems in the marriage, they have great intuition.

If the marriage is solid, I don't think you have much to fear. All you have to do is be loving.

Another thing was that one of my parents would try to fix some of my behaviors. This was a misguided attempt to get me to blend in better but the way it was done was damaging to my self-esteem more than anything else, because they were behaviors I had no control over (like tics, twitches, the way I walked). My parents were ignorant of asperger's so they aren't to blame. It's damaging nonetheless. Behavior modification therapy is bordering on abusive in my opinion even if the intent is benevolent.

Failure to understand just how incredibly hard fitting in at school was. Assuming that I would always admit to any problems that I was having when in fact I was too proud to do so.

These are just a few. Honestly, you are just one influence on them. It is good if you can get them involved I think with a wide diverse range of people. It's always good to get a wide diverse set of perspectives for a child. If the child becomes too isolated they have no way of reality-testing their own thoughts. This was another big problem for as I couldn't make friends (hardly at all) Major problem. You can't actually force them to have friends but you can encourage it.

Edit: The other most tremendously huge one:e not taking my depression seriously. I told them I was depressed and one of my parents just shrugged it off because they simply could not get it in their brain that it was possible for another person to be depressed. In return I minimized my own pain and suffered more. This parent most likely has aspergers themselves. So it's important to look at yourself as well as the child. No one's really to blame, it's just it's important to be educated and do research and evaluate yourself. Actually, this is probably a lot to ask. All I'm saying is it might have helped me if my parents were a little more in tune with things.

Hello there. Please bear in mind that not every aspie responds to the same things, so keep a clear idea of who your boy is when you're reading all these comments.

What do you wish your parents had done differently when parenting you as a young child?
I wish they wouldn't have resorted to physical punishments instead of reason. I was terrified of my mother and now I realize she perceived my need for logic as acting up.

Is there something you think would have made a world of difference in your relationship with your parents?
The intervention of a behavioral professional that could mediate between us.

What is something specific you wished they had understood better?
I was not like other kids, but that didn't mean I should be isolated from them.

What made you the most happy in your childhood?
Playing board games with my father or grandmother.

What is something that made you feel and know your parents loved and valued you as a person?
My dad smiled a lot at me, and I could tell he loved having me around. I never felt loved by my mother.

What do you think is the most helpful way for a parent to deal with their AS child's "challenging" behaviour that they don't understand?
I have a couple of things here for you:
-Overall, remember you are dealing with a child... a very intelligent child, but a child nonetheless. His reasoning skills are very high, and if you communicate what you want he might be more implied to comply. You don't need to shout.
-Don't try to engage in a complex conversation (feelings, motivations, wants, proper way to comunicate) while your son is in an overstimulated/meltdown state. That's like trying to recap a can of soda that has been shaken too much, you're going to get wet.
-Keep a cool head. Don't take things personally. Try not to let emotions overrule you, and remember to have some "you time" to wind down every now and then. I understand we can be frustrating (and sometimes, we even get frustrated with ourselves), but you're already doing great parenting by asking for help . You can do this.

From my personal experience, life would have been a lot easier if they had diagnosed me when I was a kid. I am also blind and went to a school for the blind, where the philosophy was that blind people need to be ultra-normal and do things better than sighted people. A lot of things I did because of autism were also seen as bad stereotypes for blind people, such as what I have found out since being here is called stimming, and also getting stuck on a special interest. They, especially my mom, would yell at me and tell me to stop, and when I didn't they just thought I was just being a brat. Also, the houseparents at school would criticize me because I can figure out things that would be hard for most people, like playing the piano by ear, but I have a hard time figuring out how to do really basic things like social stuff or doing laundry, etc. I still battle with that because it made me feel stupid. It's not like I want to struggle with things that are basic to most people.

ya, i often wonder, if the way parents raise their kids, bring them up in their childhood, has a huge impact on whether or not their child will have ambition in life in their post-puberty years, as in ambition to develop a career plan, career path, do well in school, education, be more responsible, etc.

Well, right now I am considered an adult but there are still many hurtful things that do happen to me. I have been called "worthless"and a few other things by my mother and she has implied that she is also ashamed of me. It would be great to not focus on their faults so much that you cannot see how great they are. Please remind them.