Discovery About Self

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Hey, all.

I've made a recent discovery about myself, after digging into my past and taking an objective look at life, and issues that weren't covered in other diagnoses I've gotten that got in the way of me being able to get help, simply because it's undiagnosed and I'm not taken seriously. It's an issue that started when I was young (concluded after digging into my past...*shudder*) and continued into adulthood, causing multiple issues.

Now, I have a different way of organizing information and explaining it (I tend to explain in a much more detailed way which takes longer, which others have pointed out to me), so let me start out from the beginning.

I knew I was different from the beginning. My gut told me so, even before the psychological trauma of losing my father. I remember small details of my mom telling me how fascinated I was with tornadoes to the point of losing sight of everything else. I do remember being interested in tornadoes well into long after my dad's (traumatic) death. My mother pointed out that it started at around age two. I was apparently so interested in tornadoes, that I collected information about everything I could. I kinda remember too. My interests did end up switching and there would be a strong pattern of getting so deeply absorbed in, what I was told by many, were "odd obsessions", and people tended to ultimately think I was self absorbed and/or get annoyed, which I didn't end up finding out about for sure until I was specifically told.

Other people thought I was weird, judging by the negative looks and reactions I got from them. Apparently, I couldn't fit in no matter how hard I tried to copy people and observe specifically what they did. In every situation, I ended up being treated hurtfully and couldn't figure out why. I noticed little things, how people could fit in so easily, how they knew exactly when it was time to join a conversation, how I was too "slow" (my own conclusion) as to know what indicated it was my turn to speak. I was ostracized by groups because I was different (which was pointed out to me in a later situation, and I used it to form conclusions). I was bullied and couldn't figure out why. Sometimes, it was even worse because I was bullied right in front of my face (I can remember a few specific times), and other peers who were on my side and seemed to feel bad for me (judging as how nice they seemed when telling me) would pull me aside and tell me these people were making fun of me. It added insult to injury too because these people, who were my age and in my grade, could tell this right away and I couldn't. I sometimes I felt so behind my peers in school because I would get made fun of and not catch up to things.

The bullying would get to the point of me being threatened, and having to leave. Fingers would be pointed at me usually; even in the case that I would get told I was doing inappropriate things a lot and didn't notice that I was. And here's the cherry on top: I would notice these small things and complain in despair to teachers. The real kicker (you ready?) was: when I complained about being "slow" or "behind", I was told (by MANY, including family) that there's no way that could be true, because I actually was "so smart" that I would fit the term "gifted" more (yeah, right, is that another way of saying "You're just special"?). Either way, from the amount of times and places and situations in which I got told I was "bright", "highly intelligent", etc. It got too hard to deny that it might be true, and it led to me being extremely confused actually. People wouldn't tell me my IQ, which I asked for to prove it so I started to believe people were "sugarcoating". (after all, how do you expect me to believe there isn't something wrong intellectually with me when I can't keep up socially with my peers? Just to state my thoughts at the time).

I had these troubles later in life too. I had many times where I couldn't read facial expressions or trust myself on my interpretations of them because I was always corrected. I begin to follow my gut. I felt it was my duty to know already. I developed ways of knowing things intellectually, and keep to myself, because I didn't know how to state my problems correctly, in the right words, etc. I tried my hardest to go by my gut and "intelligence" (which, when my way of doing things came up in conversations, I was told I was intelligent in what I took, or gathered, to be an obvious "surprised" (?) tone - which I guessed, going on my gut - and that was even more misleading to me as to what was going on and how to fit in). I just had to fit in in any way possible, because from what I gathered, that's what "normal people DO" and it's my (self appointed) "duty" to fit in so I'm not "ostracized".

*To be continued* (I'm at a coffee shop that's closing so I gotta pack up my stuff and head somewhere else)

*Continued* Okay, I'm back, at another place....

Anyways, (just to get my thoughts together) I left off saying how I felt it was my "self-appointed duty" to fit in. I was so determined to fit in that I actually started off my going to people and asking things specifically. I knew better than to go to peers, as I never knew who was on my side and who was just making fun. Sometimes teachers didn't do anything. I had been told by people to "be careful about going to peers" after they seemed to notice how "naive" I was. I took it very specifically (I wanted help from people, and they're advice was kind of "vague" to me). I decided to go 100% literal with their advice, and avoid peers all together. After all, I was told how "sensitive" I was in reaction to the bullying (as if it's about me, or my fault) and I knew I was sensitive in other ways too. I kept these issues to myself. I was tired of hearing "you're too sensitive" from everyone about everything. I felt like they expected me to deal with it, so the only way I knew how to deal with it was to keep to myself. Besides, I also just didn't know how to express myself openly, or in their definition of "appropriately", and was expected to figure it out on my own (from how it seemed). It did end up getting me complimented in two different cases though (a badly infected ear, and later, an absess tooth) as I avoided saying anything (until it got to the point of screaming). People were "astonished" at how "brave" and "resilient" I was, when I just didn't want to open up, because at that point I figured, "what's the point?". I would rather keep everything to myself than be a bother to people by showing my differences.

I actually loved being alone as a kid, engaging in my own interests anyway, so I took solace in keeping to myself, quietly. I think these things started to show up more a certain period after the psychological trauma of my dad's illness and death. Important point about his illness and it's affect on me: **(it apparently started when I was around age 3-4 and continued until he died when I was 6. According to my mom, I was very close to my dad, and I think the added trauma came from the fact that I had asked once if he would die after seeing how much he changed in appearance, and was reassured he wouldn't. I took it so literally that when he passed, it completely shook me. I stopped talking and retreated into my own world, talking to very few people, for a year (?) or so afterwards according to my mother**

Anyways, my mother told me at the time how it was apparent how sensitive I was and how I took interests to extreme, but it ended up never reaching conclusion because of how the age in which more significant traits would've started showing correlated (?) over the period of psychological trauma, so it was hard for doctors to rule out what was going on in my head. Plus apparently my dad's death was emphasized over everything else.

Anyways, I developed more problems in life. I coped with all the trauma afterwards by retreating into my own world and not talking to too many people outside from my mom. I still had the underlying social issues, and that didn't help A BIT in school. It led to more drama where we had to move repeatedly. I was pulled out a couple of times due to perceived (?) threats. I really began to get depressed and developed "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" at age 12, due to a sudden onset of repeated scary thoughts. My anxiety was endless, I was taken into the ER in extreme measures because the thoughts got really scary, and I described it in a way (apparently) that scared my mom. It may also be helpful to add (for the development/complete understanding of the story) that I had been through added trauma, witnessing domestic violence and emotional abuse, several moves (some emergency safety measures), blah blah.

In around middle school, I was put on medications for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which disorder was "proved" based on the way I reacted to Adderall and how it helped me focus (grades shot up, it was such a huge Godsend for helping me get through at least the concentration difficulties that made me want to tear my hair out). I was put on an IEP for my anxiety (and some "learning issues" because of how specific and concrete and visual I thought, and it got in the way of my ability to take in information correctly at school. That also got me bullied).

I was later diagnosed with PTSD as well, and always had a problem with being held and comforted (from when I was held and comforted after getting the news of my dad's death). I became extremely depressed. In 9th grade, I was given more understanding about the autism spectrum when I met my (now) fiance. He was also my first boyfriend at the time, and all I knew about relationships was the little bit I observed from my high-schooler cousins, or random high-schoolers I would observe, etc. Apparently, my relationship behavior was frowned upon because I took it too such specific extremes that people accused me of being "obsessed" (which, of course, I was infatuated at the beginning I will admit, but it led to further problems).

During our time of dating, I begin to piece things together as well. I made an advance for help and understanding that I may be on the spectrum.....and I was accused of trying to "be like" him at the time. I felt hurt, I didn't know my behavior was wrong or what relationship behavior was expected of me. My reaction was to not mention it again, I felt terrible because I thought I did something wrong as to suggest it.

Anyways, to cut to the chase (this is getting too long), more drama developed and I eventually had a nervous breakdown from repressing a lot of trauma. I got myself back up after hospitalization though.

If needed, I will explain more later, but it's 11 and maybe it'd be best to not overload and just give any more info along the way if needed, yes? Anyways, what are people's thoughts based on what I say so far? I'm open to constructive criticism, I really wanna know

Oh yeah and I wanted to add an apology for previous posts, like I said I have observed that I have issues reading into people's intentions, which makes me more paranoid and anxious, and there were situations I described on here before that showed my (obvious) paranoias. I wanted to make it clear that I'm looking more objectively at things now, because I want things to get better more than anything.

Just to clear things up and avoid any drama, like that I've created in my life before, etc. Lol

I take it that your discovery is that you're an aspie.
Many of us have similar stories of growing up, bad experiences molding us, and personal
collections of psychological disorders.

Well, my discovery is that I have some unspecified ASD.
And yes, the personal story was to be honest about experiences, so I could get a better objective view

I mean, to be honest, I know a lot of my posts on here seemed paranoid about my fiance, but I realized my mistake was in reading between the lines, comparing events now to how things folded out in my past, and not knowing like others what certain things meant. My mistake was in assuming the worst based on those experiences, leading my anxiety to spiral out of control. Not knowing how to react or what to do didn't help a bit.

I'm not quite sure as to how inappropriate my reaction or post was (leading me to assume the worst now, I will admit). Or if I'm even explaining in the appropriate manner here, but I'm risking it I guess. I have been lead to assume by previous experiences that I tend to do lots of inappropriate things without realizing (and never wanted to admit when I realized it because I was so sensitive to the criticism I may receive).

I also realized something else about myself after drawing many conclusions: that people seem to think I'm paranoid when I thoroughly express myself for opinions (which, I guess is somewhat true, since I do overanalyze in more ways than just trying to be completely honest).

So it's also hard to know the right thing to do, because I get worried that people are upset at something I said sometimes and won't tell me, and I look at how hard it is for me to read into it (I'll admit, I've turned to Google at times too), because I don't wanna be responsible for causing problems, and making people feel bad. I used to think that these issues were solely based off of me being "behind" (until I learned differently) and hid them.

So yeah, that's another issue that kinda points to my....er....point.