the sad story of a road worrior

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Hello I been living on the road now for the better part of five years. I gotten to see a lot and since I am good with my money I never really wanted for things like food and shelter. I been diagnosed with autism since I was 18 and gave up caring about when I was in my thirties. Not to say I don't have it but I began to look at my life beyond the label and finally see me and only wanting to see me and have an honest perspective of the issues that I am dealing with. The ones I desperatly need help for and the ones I don't.
See it is some of the major issues that I dealing with that have kept me on the road and isolated for so long. No matter how willing I have become over the years I never can seem to find the help I so desperately need. I been to many a clinic and mental health places in search of an answer and a solution to my problem but I either get thrown out and told never to return or threaten with them calling the cops or both.
The issues is this when I get nervous upset or angry I say the most vile wretched things I can think of and once I get to that place in my mind I just cannot easily get out. It has come out as racial slurs or hurtful words that go right for the jugglar. Then I obsessivly contact the person till my anger towards them calms. No matter how hard I try or no matter how despertly don't want to be this way the issues never disappears or goes away. It follows me like a deamon wrecking and taking all that could be good in my life and leaving only in the hell of isolation and self hatred this monster brings.
I stay on the road because there never seems to be anything for me just when I think I have found a hand to grab on to lead me from the pit they let go as quickly as they grabbed me. I choose the loneliness to people because it hurts to much as they leave time and time again. I want to spot living on the road and I want to get over or better control the monster. So I too can finally have a home again.
I am so desperate and tired of being treated as if I do or say the vileness on purpose why can't people see I have no control over this but I get responses like control yourself stop it or your going to have to leave or if you ever contact me or my angetcy again we will call the cops. These are from the professional community people with degrees and are suppose to understand.
I want to say I am non volient just all words nasty valguar words. I freeze in volience I cannot fight.
Help me I willing to go wherever to get the help I need

Ever read "On the Road," by Jack Kerouac?

I've always wanted to be an itinerant--a guy who goes from place to place.

But, alas, I'm too much into comfort! I'm a spoiled brat.

When I retire from my job, I'm going to get me an RV, and go cross-country, hopefully meeting other WrongPlaneters on the way!

I think it would be interesting if you post some of your GOOD experiences on the road, as well as experiences which you need to convey because you want answers. That would make for an excellent read for me!

I wish there was a way for you to just calm down. You get mighty upset at things. Think about why you get upset. I know life sucks sometimes. But it's a vicious cycle: Life sucks. You do something stupid because life sucks. This confirms that life sucks. You do something stupid again.........

OK what part of no control over did not get right thinking is not going to solve my problem I tried that and I still having issues so maybe you want to read a little closer next time you post a reply.

Well then...since I didn't read what you wrote closely, your best bet would probably be to see a therapist.

Really I had not thought of that while they are throwing me out of clinic after clinic for my behavior problems trying to get help I posted all this please read what i wrote if your going to make suggestions because it becomes so frustrating and time wasting to repeat what the first post already said

You can protest all you like but people make a natural connection between verbal abuse and physical violence. In my own case I was bullied at school. Firstly I was verbally abused for being different. Then I was physically assaulted in the school yard when the teachers were't looking. Once I said something to someone who took exception to what I was saying. He said he was going to punch me in the face and only didn't because I was wearing glasses. I was petrified he was going to carry out his threat.
Reading your post, it seems unusual that you were diagnosed with autism at age 18. What led you in the first place to getting your diagnosis? What follow up was there after your diagnosis? What was your home life like before your diagnosis and how did you get on with you parents? What were you doing between the time you were diagnosed and when you decided to go out on the road? Were you diagnosed with other conditions with your autism? Did you get a second opinion on your autism diagnosis? These are some of the questions I would be asking to have any idea of ascertaining what it is that is going on in your mind.
Don't you understand that it is very difficult to give you any advice based on what you have said. By being so confrontational you are denying yourself the opportunity for people to help you. Even the nickname you have chosen for WP is confrontational. Self preservation is the first human instinct. People who interact with you are not going to help you if they are in fear of their lives. You may assure everyone that you are incapable of hurting anyone, but your actions in being verbally abusive implies in peoples's minds that they are under physical threat and their response is to remove you from their presence.