explain to NT

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How do I explain to my NT girlfriend that I'm not being a jerk when I do what I do.

We live together and she says she understands but still gets very upset with me when I'm trying my hardest.

I really am trying to watch the way I act or what I do, as I want to please her and make her happy.

But when I unintentionally slam a door, spill a drink or take something literally she gets upset and says that I'm being a jerk.

She has alot on her plate to and I understand I'm not easy to live with and I would be frustrating at the best of times, but I'm lost for what to do.

I'd just like to point out that a good relationship takes work from both people. Your girlfriend needs to be willing to make a similar effort to please you and make you happy, or else it's not going to work.

The problem with autistic traits is that, aside from actual coordination problems like the clumsiness that may make you accidentally slam doors or spill drinks, many of the other traits of Asperger's or autism are less physical and more to do with behaviors that don't sit well with NTs.

Yet they are traits which, although there may be techniques to manage them and make them express more mildly, you can't help having those challenges just the same as a person who had a spinal injury can't help being in a wheelchair and not be able to exactly get up and dance, or needs help physically, or can't reach a lightswitch that is made for people who can walk on their legs.

If you can explain to her how she probably wouldn't dream of getting mad or impatient with a physically disabled person who needs wheelchair access and other kinds of assistance or understanding about their physical limitations, then in the same way what needs to be cultivated is a similar understanding of your limitations in terms of ways you don't instantly act NT, because you're not NT. Tell her you realize some stuff you do or fail to do annoys her, but reassure her that you are never trying to be a jerk, and that you work hard to make these traits milder -- but that it IS hard work for you and sometimes to be asked to not be those ways is as harsh as asking a person in a wheelchair to walk up the stairs and quit whining that they need someone's help.

It is my understanding that most people don't have control over their emotions such that they don't have that automatic emotional response to things that are upsetting. What they seemingly have control over is their actions. Does her anger last a long time? Does she lash out? Does she ignore you for hours after you've done something that upsets her? Or does she get irritated for a moment and then it passes and she appears fine?

Some nuisances are not really able to be changed but we just have to live with them. The problem with you trying so hard to not upset her is that you're not actually going to be being yourself if you try too hard, and secondly, you're trying to control her. If you've explained things, and it still upsets her and her actions do not change, ask her to change her actions in response to yours. Like, you might not even be reading her properly (if I may suggest that)...you are actually explaining a problem that you have, not a problem she has. Your problem is that she gets angry. Have you told her not that your actions aren't done on purpose, but rather, have you told her that HER anger seems to hurt you a lot? Are you conveying your emotions about this matter to her at all? You should be. Long-term, stewing anger from her, (if that's what it is), is -usually- (not always) something that is more controllable than the immediate reaction. If that's how her anger is, then you should ask her to put effort into not being so angry. If it's a sudden outburst and then subsides, again, if it's something that she can control, she's not even going to TRY controlling it if she doesn't know how much it bothers you. So, once again, convey your emotions about her actions to her. Ask her to try to not act that way. Give it some time, and then see if her actions change. If they don't, if she still gets angered a lot, ask her if she's trying to not get angry at all. She might have very little control over her anger. Or perhaps as you've suggested, she's actually under a lot of stress. If that's the case, then you might be able to help her de-stress some so that little things don't set off the anger.
Regardless, I think it's ultra important that you take away from this that unless things that you have no control over you cannot try and control, and it's not on YOU to have her not be angry. While anger is a stress reliever, it's a very harmful one, and it would do your relationship well to search for the root of her stress or at least find other ways to relieve it.
If these things don't work, she might actually need some professional help.

I furthermore think that talking about each of your own stresses and daily goings on in your lives with each other might be a good way to start. Talking is stress relief, and if you can talk about those things with each other, you will just deepen your relationship. And I think it's surprisingly easy to be a rock for someone you love, as long as you know they need that rock.

If all that doesn't work, sometimes there are things that you have to accept in the relationship. If she is unwilling to change, that's not a good thing. If she is unable to change, then you still have a choice of whether or not the relationship is worth being in, but you also will have a different perspective of who she is.

Where do I get this from? I have poor emotional control and I have a temper and I've had relationships. And me personally, I do not want people to walk on eggshells around me just because I'm stressed. I would personally feel hurt if my partner didn't tell me that actions I did were hurting him, and I would not want to feel placated.

Of course, when I was with the wrong person I felt differently about things.

I get a different feeling than Ettina. I do not think such control over your actions is good, not in the way I understand it at least (you have to judge these things for yourself though, and maybe I am understanding you incorrectly). Like, I'm not sure your current actions are healthy for you UnturnedStone. Your home life should be a haven for you. I agree with the sentiment that she must put work into this too, very much so, but the -right- work. To merely change one's actions without any sort of underlying understanding or underlying change is not the right way to do it. And she, just like you, cannot be expected to know or understand everything that's going on inside you with you telling her.

You could show her that website of the spouses of Aspies. [That was sarcasm just in case you didn't notice.]

You could try to convince her to read "Be Different" by Jon Elder Robison. I couldn't get my wife to read it.

You might come to the realization that it may be easier for you to try to change yourself, than expect her to change for you. You have a purpose, a desire, she does not. That is not my idea, that is from Dale Carnegie, from the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Highly recommended. Should be a required reading for any Aspie that wants to have a go at the real world.

Or maybe come up with the tact of, "I can't change these parts of me, but I can change these." And maybe when taken as a whole picture, you are better than some guy that beats his spouse and stays out drinking on the weekend, or is playing softball for hours, sticking her with the kids (in the future). Something like that. Work on it, polish it up.

You will never obliterate your ASD, but you can make it more palatable.

Maybe you're NOT trying your hardest----but, it's NOT because you don't WANT to!! We ASDers have always got our minds FULL of all KINDS of things, and THAT'S probably why you're spilling drinks and slamming doors----you didn't have your mind on what you were doing. I've gotten in trouble a TON of times; and, when I thought about it, that's the conclusion I came-to, regarding what *I* did.

Calling you a jerk is actually kind-of abusive----and, that's another "weakness" that we ASDers seem to have..... We seem to think we should just take the abuse----cuz, afterall, we're not that happy with ourselves, EITHER. Also, I think some of us don't think we're worthy of love, cuz we're "flawed", or whatever----but, that's NOT true!! If she's just snapping, and then she's "over it", that's ONE thing----but, if she's constantly hounding you, that's another!! You, sort-of, seem to be making excuses for her----and that's exactly what an abused person does.

I agree with whomever said that your gf has to take responsibility for what SHE is doing in the relationship----but, I ALSO agree with whomever said you all have to communicate. Your gf can't change her ways, if she doesn't KNOW what she's doing, is hurtful to you. 'Course, I think callin' someone a jerk, should be "a given"-----but, maybe, if she TRULY thinks you ARE one, then she probably feels that it doesn't matter, if your feelings get hurt----and then, she wouldn't seem to be a very nice person, IMO.

I also agree with whomever said that she might not actually believe that you're a jerk, and she's just letting-off steam; because, as you said, she's got her own stress----but, you're never gonna find that out, unless you talk to each other.

In regard to "how does one explain to an NT"..... I've always put things in terms that someone can understand, from something that is common, or something in which they take great interest----like, if she likes to cook, for instance..... You might say, something like: "You know when you cook, and you've made a dish a thousand times, you don't always put 100% concentration into it, cuz you're thinking 'I got this', and then you get angry at yourself when you make a mistake? Well, that's how *I* feel----I've been able to walk across the room MILLIONS of times, without spilling my drink, so I figured I could do it AGAIN, without putting too much thought into it, but I made a mistake by doing that, and I should've concentrated more on what I was doing." Obviously, if your gf doesn't like to cook, she probably won't "get" a cooking analogy----just think of something else, to which you feel she'll be able to relate.

Also, I think cavernio gave some EXCELLENT advice!! Too often people just seem to EXPECT others to understand things that are so clear, to THEM----but, everyone has a different idea of what is "clear", do they not? Communication is EVERYTHING, in my book----that, and consistency----in everything from hog-tyin', to keeping a marriage / relationship together!!

Thank you for all your help and input.

We sat down and had a talk.

She wants me to just be me, that's who she fell in love with after all, she understands I don't do things on purpose but says sometimes it can be hard to deal with in the moment as she is used to guys being jerks, because well they were jerks. She doesn't mean to be snappy and doesn't want to be but says it is not as easy as just thinking "oh, he didn't mean that", due to years of conditioning and she has a lot on her plate at the moment.

I didn't realize that slamming a door, accidentally (no anger at all) could then lead to her feeling anxious / upset due to her past and the meaning she has attached to a slamming door and what would come next.

It is very much a 2 way street and I believe we will get there.