"I can't make faces for you any more"
"I can't make faces for you any more"
Has anyone ever said that in their head, when someone is talking to them, who just doesn't get it when you say you're 'tired' (especially if they don't know you might be on the spectrum) - and you really wish they'd stop trying to engage you, because your brain just needs _non_interaction and QUIET? And you just can't. You can't: 1) react for them 2) respond to what they have to say 3) make FACES (expressions. Expressions of faked interest, politeness, any response at all, really) for them!
I'm just so exhausted today, after 3 days of my job (which is social in nature :'( ), and a bad, exhausting night's non-rest.
And my mom is just...talking. Being a normal person. But I keep trying to just go hide in my room, but I have to come out to get things to eat, or go use the bathroom, or whatever... but she'll just... TALK. Make comments. Like a "normal" person, I suppose. But I just don't want it, and I can't explain to her why I don't want her to talk to me--AT ALL right now.
Because partly, it would involve explaining what I think I've learned/know about me now. That I'm at least one good foot on the spectrum, or something. Because to try to explain where I got 'that idea' from, would be to get into having met my former girlfriend. :'( And I tried coming out to my mom last year, via email...but she ignored my polite invite to 'talk about it.'
So I can't talk to my mom now about the things I need, because that involves talking about why...and 'why' involves talking about the fact that I'm gay.
Which she's just NOT dealing with. She's ignoring what I wrote her last year and hoping it disappears, I know.
I'm just...ugh. I'm so f*****g tired right now. :'(
_________________
Your Aspie score: 103 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 94 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
dx'd: A.D.D.
Why do you think she needs or deserves an explanation of you just saying 'I can't talk right now?' (Or can you not even muster those words?)
If you tell her that and then she pesters you about it, the worst that will happen is a meltdown and then she'll see 'oh when she says she can't talk, and I talk to her, she'll totally spaz out, therefore unless I want her to act that way, I'd better not talk to her'. Explanations of why the meltdown happens aren't necessary. Can't explain why gravity exists, but we all know it does and work around it. Explanations for things are highly over-rated as necessary.
_________________
Not autistic, I think
Prone to depression
Have celiac disease
Poor motivation
BirdInFlight
Veteran
Joined: 8 Jun 2013
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,501
Location: If not here, then where?
Yes, I totally relate to getting to that point where I'm so exhausted by someone engaging me in a conversation that I feel like I'm about to either shutdown or meltdown and it could go either way. I have in fact started to shut down in a conversation -- I find myself beginning to be literally unable to respond anymore in any real way or with any energy or interest, I start to not be able to look at the person anymore, I know I'm staring into space and my responses are trailing off into mumbles and "uhuh", and when it gets really bad --- and if I haven't managed to extricate myself because I get that "deer caught in headlights" thing -- I have actually felt physically faint/lightheaded, the room has started to swirl, and I feel like I'm going to pass out.
Most of this is because I have not mastered any technique of getting away, and I'm still unfortunately "closeted" about being on the spectrum. If and when I learn to state more openly that I'm on the spectrum or even that I'm not feeling well or I'm tired or some other way of ending the conversation, I know I'll do a lot better. But at the moment I'm having a lot of failures at that.
Theoretically, it should be okay for you to just say to your mom: "Sorry mom, tired, talk later" or "Not feeling very chatty; talk with you another time, just need to decompress a bit on my own" or something along those lines.
I think even NTs get moments when they're tired physically or mentally and not in the mood to talk, so if it's okay for them to say the occasional "Need a bit of space/quiet time" then it's okay for people on the spectrum too, it's just that spectrumites may need to have to say this a bit more than most NTs.
I've had times like that too, where I begin to feel physically ill if I have to keep talking to a person. Sometimes I used to think people were torturing me on purpose with it, now I realize they just don't have a clue how it makes me feel.
Some people really are difficult to get away from and set boundaries with. Like it actually takes a high degree of skill and energy to do it. Just making a polite excuse doesn't work. Also have found there are people who will accept the excuse and leave me alone, but they want a more thorough explanation the next time, and over time they just get more and more demanding about it.
A friend started phoning me late at night and didn't understand why I wasn't exactly conversational at 2 am. More than a week later, when it was the furthest thing from my mind, he randomly called me again to ask why I wasn't comfortable talking with him before. He didn't even bother asking anything like how are you, what's going on, are you busy, can we talk. He just wanted an explanation right that minute. Too weird! Made up my mind right there that I just wouldn't answer the phone anymore if he calls.
Sometimes when I feel another person is trapping me like that, I just start to disengage my attention and drop what little face-making I might have been giving them. It's a little rude, but I once read some social advice that if you talk at somebody and trap them, it will force them to be rude and ignore you. So I guess it's in order. I'd be reluctant to do it to a loved one though, I really pride myself on doing my best to listen to them.
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