Forced to deal with someone you hate.

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UnturnedStone
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27 Apr 2015, 8:23 pm

I am just wondering how other Aspies deal with not being able to avoid someone you hate.

My ex wife (we have 2 children) well and truly put her self on my list of people I hate and cannot be removed.
When I found out she was cheating on me, and not just physically but emotionally, she took out a completely fabricated Family Violence Intervention Order on me, which included a warrant for my arrest. She claimed I had been physically abusive to her and the children, I allowed her no access to money, etc... (there is zero truth to any of it).

This was all especially difficult for me, but I turned myself in as soon as I learnt of the warrant. I was served and would have been arrested if I was to return to my own home (which my father owns) and didn't really have anywhere else to go I felt safe, without any facts or evidence being taking into consideration (to which I had heaps). I ended up staying with my dad, which I didn't want to do because it made me uncomfortable, but what choice did I have? I attempted to talk to police and explain that it was all fabricated and they refused to see my evidence that it was fabricated, to which they responded "it is with the courts now", she even called the police, while I was there (at police station) saying I was at home outside banging on the windows. I was forced to take random drug and alcohol testing multiple times (which were all returned clean) and I'm not talking "take this to the bathroom", I'm talking "I need to watch you pee in this".

Court?... talk about overwhelming. I was looked down upon by the judge and seen as a monster and still not allowed to present evidence. The order was granted.

This completely threw me, how was such an obvious injustice allowed? A very long story short (about 2 months of trying to be heard by the court and actually present evidence) one of the original police officers finally twigged it was bogus and asked to talk to me in private on a court date. She asked to see my evidence, after which it was obvious I had confirmed her doubts. She explained they could not simply say "oh, we made a mistake", and asked what I needed to make this "right". On that court date the order was completely amended to basically say I am not allowed to do anything illegal and was reduced to a term of 6 months, with any follow-up denied and it would not be on my record. I was allowed to return home, I was able to see and speak with my children.

As you can imagine this is an ordeal I barely survived and will not get over for a long, long time and I probably only survived by focusing on my children's needs and we deserved to part of each others lives.

The ex has moved out, but we must still communicate on drop offs or issues concerning the children. I attempt to suck it up, but lately it has been causing a lot of distress for me.



MollyTroubletail
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27 Apr 2015, 8:40 pm

There's not much you can do besides pretend you are a robot and keep your communications very simple and factual. Anything more will lead to extra drama. But I do sympathize, as my husband also made up a story of me beating him up which landed me in jail. He then pretended that he did not remember saying that, even though it was all video recorded from him giving his "evidence" in a court hearing.



jk1
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27 Apr 2015, 9:23 pm

She's just evil. Why doesn't she have to go to jail after she was found to have been lying? How could she just get away with all that? I think the justice system is really not working. Unfortunately there are some unethical women that lie and try to falsely put their husbands in trouble with the law. Some even use child molestation to win the custody of the children. And the claim is sometimes supported without much evidence. I would be filled with hatred permanently if I went through what you went through. That "I need to watch you..." shocks me. I think when the justice system fails you, you are left feeling violated.

I guess you just pretend she doesn't exist even when she's in front of you. Keep the interaction with her to the absolute minimum. Don't let emotions control you for the sake of your own and your children's well-being. I know it's easy for me to say that but you don't want the situation to get any worse. You may need to see a counselor about that if you can't deal with it by yourself.



UnturnedStone
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27 Apr 2015, 9:46 pm

jk1 wrote:
She's just evil. Why doesn't she have to go to jail after she was found to have been lying? How could she just get away with all that? I think the justice system is really not working. Unfortunately there are some unethical women that lie and try to falsely put their husbands in trouble with the law. Some even use child molestation to win the custody of the children. And the claim is sometimes supported without much evidence. I would be filled with hatred permanently if I went through what you went through. That "I need to watch you..." shocks me. I think when the justice system fails you, you are left feeling violated.


I assume no action was taken against her because the police would need to admit they made a mistake and wasted the courts time, and then I could probably sue them.

I felt and still feel completely violated. They also took my 4 year old boy out of child care to question him. Of course he had no idea what they were talking about and he was more interested telling them all about how much he loved Spiderman.

The thing that surprised me is she had NO evidence. I have kept all the documentation and evidence in case one day the children ask about it, I can provide them with the evidence and they can make up there own mind.

MollyTroubletail wrote:
There's not much you can do besides pretend you are a robot and keep your communications very simple and factual. Anything more will lead to extra drama. But I do sympathize, as my husband also made up a story of me beating him up which landed me in jail. He then pretended that he did not remember saying that, even though it was all video recorded from him giving his "evidence" in a court hearing.


jk1 wrote:
I guess you just pretend she doesn't exist even when she's in front of you. Keep the interaction with her to the absolute minimum. Don't let emotions control you for the sake of your own and your children's well-being. I know it's easy for me to say that but you don't want the situation to get any worse. You may need to see a counselor about that if you can't deal with it by yourself.


It's difficult because she acts like it is no big deal and calls me pretty much daily to ask trivial questions (like we are BFFs or I'm her IT guy). When I don't answer she will call until I do, and then yell at me for ignoring her. I worry that if I don't, she will come up with some new story and attempt to ruin my life again, I also have the added worry of when she calls that what if she is calling me to say the children are in hospital?



ToughDiamond
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27 Apr 2015, 10:22 pm

Shocking. I didn't realise it was possible to arrest somebody purely on the say-so of one person, with no corroborating evidence. Everywhere I look I see corruption and bungling that gets swept under the carpet.
MY ex was similar in some ways, but nothing like that treacherous. Even so, I hated having anything to do with her after we split up, but with our young son to look after, I had no choice. I just did the job logically and dispassionately.

To this day, if she sees me, she still tries to approach me all warm and friendly as if the past had never happened, and I just sidestep her overtures, never even smile at her. I just can't reciprocate it, and I'm glad I can't. I think that if the pain somebody inflicts on you is really great, there comes a point where wise diplomacy, political correctness and being nice have to give way to instinct.

But I did find that when our son's welfare was at stake in a big, obvious way, we would automatically co-operate perfectly, purely for his sake, and it didn't take any supreme effort on my part, it just happened. It would have been impossible to tell there was any bad blood between us at times like that. To give credit where credit is due, she didn't play any stupid games then either. I hope your ex turns out to be that wise. Parental instinct is usually very strong, so I'd think there was a good chance.

I hate having anything to do with exes anyway, they've often been an embarrassment to me especially when I've got somebody new in my life. My subsequent partner remarked that my ex was always trying to play happy families with me. She had a point.

I'd be careful about the way your ex is behaving towards you. I don't know what mine was up to with her inappropriate friendliness towards me, but at least she's always been easy to push away. Thing is, if you let yours get too close to you, I think it could turn dangerous. Right now, if she feels rejected then she's not in a strong position to retaliate, because she's just lost her case against you, and if she cries wolf a second time, I've a feeling the police won't be quite so credulous. She seems very mixed up, expecting closeness from you after all that's happened. I could be wrong, but she sounds like a narcissist trying to wield power over you. I'm also wondering, if this affair she had is still running, how he feels about her chasing you (especially given her obvious difficulties with fidelity) if she's not trying to play the two of you off against each other.

Anyway, the upshot is that such a situation can be pretty grim at times, but there's good hope that it won't be overwhelming.



UnturnedStone
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27 Apr 2015, 10:41 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
Shocking. I didn't realise it was possible to arrest somebody purely on the say-so of one person, with no corroborating evidence. Everywhere I look I see corruption and bungling that gets swept under the carpet.


I was never actually arrested as I removed myself from premises and turned myself into the police, once I was served by them (on the spot) I was told as long as I did not breach the order I would not be arrested, which included not returning home, getting belongings, speaking with my children.

ToughDiamond wrote:
I'd be careful about the way your ex is behaving towards you. I don't know what mine was up to with her inappropriate friendliness towards me, but at least she's always been easy to push away. Thing is, if you let yours get too close to you, I think it could turn dangerous. Right now, if she feels rejected then she's not in a strong position to retaliate, because she's just lost her case against you, and if she cries wolf a second time, I've a feeling the police won't be quite so credulous. She seems very mixed up, expecting closeness from you after all that's happened. I could be wrong, but she sounds like a narcissist trying to wield power over you. I'm also wondering, if this affair she had is still running, how he feels about her chasing you (especially given her obvious difficulties with fidelity) if she's not trying to play the two of you off against each other.

Anyway, the upshot is that such a situation can be pretty grim at times, but there's good hope that it won't be overwhelming.


She has a new partner, but she was/is cheating on him with the same guy. (I shouldn't know this should I?, I mean why would you tell that to your ex husband), Now she's pregnant (apparently). I am hoping this takes me out of the line of fire and she will now have someone else to annoy (and it has got a little quieter), although I do feel sorry for all involved.

In case I missed something during our "relationship", I had paternity tests done for both my boys and can happily say they are both mine but I would never get back together with her.



C2V
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28 Apr 2015, 1:00 am

I don't understand hate so I can't really comment there, but just pass on the advice I'm trying to follow myself stuck living with someone who is unpleasant toward me. Remove yourself as much as you can - you still have children together so might have to see her sometime, but I'd be firm that any other communication between you is no longer going to happen. You shouldn't feel blackmailed into enduring her because you're afraid she will retaliate with more fabrications. I knew someone else who had an AVO taken out against her for absolutely no reason, and to stop the person just making up more lies when one was discounted, she went to speak to the 'mediation' people privately and raised that concern, so if the person did in fact start lying about her again, they had that awareness already there. Explaining that to the court mediator and citing the fact that the original order was complete b/s should remove that threat.
Otherwise, just discount her as much as you can. She is no longer your wife, you don't live together, she is with someone else - she is irrelevant. Perhaps its not healthy in a PC way, but I find the Buddhist respective of distancing and observing your emotions, of nonattachment, can help with them having less of an impact on you, and you're less invested in the meaning in those emotions, letting them slip away.


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