I tried too hard to be an NT and screwed myself massively up

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Hi. I'm new so hi wazzup.
I totally need to get this off my chest. It just struck me like lightning. And I think this is the right place to discuss it. (and the introduction forum isn't)

So here is the deal. I was diagnosed with Asperger's with 21, then I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia several times, then I was diagnosed with personality disorders (schizoid and narcissistic) and , at some point with bipolar then with Schizo-affective disorder, and now i'm being evaluated for Asperger's again ( by my own request ). Ok who cares.

Here is what I believe (since very recently):

1. I (possibly, no 100% firm diagnosis yet) have always had Asperger's, which went unnoticed till late teens because by chance, my environment loved the way I was and I was OK with my environment. I lived in a country where being quiet as a kid is considered a virtue. You just have to go to school, sit there, do nothing (maybe listen to the teach) and come back home. It's especially good if you don't look in the eyes of an older person when talking to them (you get the rest of the story)

2. Sudden change in environment happened (immigration to Europe) and everything went wrong. Suddenly, I was this socially useless piece of mud. The environment expected stuff I couldn't do and I couldn't cope with them because everything was so complicated. There were suddenly girls at school. You had to participate verbally. There were discussions. The pupils were actually halfway adults with girlfriends and stuff and went out to bars etc.

3. I tried TOO HARD to cope, to learn the social cues, to fit in. and guess what. It worked..... somehow. Or did it? At least at some point I thought it did. I was socially active at least. But in retrospect, I was just that pathetic clownish idiot tryig to be funny and participating in talks in his weird way. Staying a lonesome outsider with very limited contacts would be better. The parties and get togethers all gave me panic attacks or sensory overloads (or wharevers) anyways. I was trying to socialize and was suffering like a dog doing so. WHY ACTUALLY?

4. This “trying to cope” also had it side effects. It has made me “hyper-vigilant”. Meaning that I am too awake and am thinking and analyzing everything all the time. (Who said what. How did he say it. Why did he say it. What was his facial expression etc. and not just people. EVERYTHING) and I also have work for myself when no one was around. I practice talking and socializing for example. Or I just talk to myself and imagine different social situations to improve my language. My language won't get any better than this but I CAN'T TURN IT OFF ANYMORE. I cant turn off any of these anymore. It's not like OCD or whatever. It's like having developed muscles in places in my brain where there shouldn't be any. And THIS is what I mean by trying to hard to be NT and screwing yourself up.

5. This “hypervigilance” was probably confused with another symptom called hyperreflexivity and earned me the Schizophrenia diagnosis. On the other hand, I cant stop to think, analyze or basically stop my mind, or even body. I'm probably one of the most agitated people on earth. I've had the strongest tranquilizers but felt no difference at all.

So. here's my story.
What do you think? How many ECT sessions do I need?
Cheerz
Omid

I'm just the same. Just the same. Everything. (just not schizophrenia and immigration)
But there doesn't seem to be many who have it like this. You can see this thread, where people explained and helped me about this problem:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt210680.html "Transitioning from a NT to an Asperger"

If you have any other questions I'll gladly try to answer them.

ECT isn't prescribed for either Asperger's or schizophrenia. So, none.

The "can't turn off your thoughts" thing makes me think of mania--consistent with your schizoaffective or bipolar disorder diagnosis. Usually, medication helps with those things--have you tried it? Has it helped any? Sometimes you have to try more than one type. (I'm curious: You don't mention any psychotic symptoms, confused thinking, that kind of thing; how did you get the schizophrenia diagnosis?)

And yeah, burnout from trying too hard is totally a thing. It's happened to me and probably to more people on WP than not. You have to learn where the middle ground is--how to exert only the amount of effort you can actually sustain. It's a marathon, not a sprint--and if you try to sprint, you'll just get exhausted. That's one thing I'm trying to learn in therapy, how to find the middle ground between not trying and burning out.

I took a look at that thread and went like F**** MEEEE. it's quite late i'll read it all tomorrow



I thought it's mania for a VERY LONG TIME and forced numerous doctors to prescribed me antimanic stuff from Lithium to zyprexa and anything in between. Nothing worked a bit. not even in combination. At a time i took four of them. (lamictal, carbamazepine, valproic acid, zyprexa). i'm now on zyprexa, topamax, lyrica, prozac. Right now i'm quite sure it's not mania, because i have never had insomnia in my whole life, which is THE symptom for mania. I also took a substatial dose of clorazil at some point which is good for everything (treatment resistant mania and schizophrenia. guess what. didnt help a bit)

As for psychosis, for a brief time (very brief time. like hours) i had the feeling like i am literally somewhere else. And at another occasion, also for a very brief time i though i am the center of attention in a room filled with 100 of people, which made me feel very bad but i was on an overdose of lexapro at that point. these two occasions got me the schizophrenia diagnosis. PLUS the feeling of detachment i always have, of which i'm not sure whether i just made it up or i actually have it (maybe it's just the way i am or just the way everyone else feels?)
Anyways. thank you guys for your participashun
P.s: ECT is actually good for psychosis afaik...!?!?

This is why my ultimate goal is NOT to be 100% neurotypical. There are definitely a lot of good things about Asperger's. Some things I definitely want to keep in myself:

- Pursuing my interests - not "interests" that the world seems to "want" me to have. Even if I'm all alone in it.
- Not being mean to other people in some manner just because "everyone else" is doing it.
- Taking advantage of my talent in math, science, logic, etc.
- Not being "freaked" easily by a "weird" interest, behavior or obsession. I look at them in terms of benefit/harm to society.

Yeah, you have to pull back sometimes and look at them with your eyes and not theirs.

While I do not buy into the "Aspie Pride" thing, I do not TRY to be an NT. I just accept my differences. I hide the ones that disturb/confuse/frighten NTs as much as I can. And I DO try to overcome my challenges.
Everyone is an individual anyway, which is in effect, there own self-contained Universe..
I had a brief spell of Mania as I came out of a very deep Clinical depression back in my Senior year in HS. It has never re-occured, but I sometimes wish I could tap a bit of that. Bi-polar & OCDs seem to be pretty common co-morbid conditions with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Nothing to be ashamed of, btw!

Sincerely,
Matthew

But, what if you aren't psychotic?

Use your strengths and try to overcome your weaknesses.

No ECT is not good for psychosis Doctors used to think it was ages ago but now it's only used for severe cases of depression when the patient has tried everything else and nothing has worked...........it doesn't always work but has had some success for depression. Also they only do it on the right side of the brain now in these cases to prevent damage to memory and language as a side effect (they used to do it on both sides).

THIS is the S**T. The author of the text above is a genius. This is exactly what i mean

One factor that stands out in your post is the factor of culture shock after you moved. You went to secondary school and simultaneously had to deal with transitioning into your teenage years as well as learning how to operate in a wholly new culture that was alien to you.

This may be as big a factor in the situation as your autism.

Though becoming so socially active as you did back then caused you a lot of stress, you've also garnered experience that many of us here on the forum have not. It may not feel that way right now, but that may give you an advantage that many of us don't have, if you find out how to use it. I understand that you panic, but I think you may want to slow down and pedal back for a bit, and reflect to find the parts of yourself that have always been 'autistic', and how to integrate them now that a second diagnosis of an Autistic Spectrum Disorder is about to be made.

If you ask me, trying to function in a world where the norm is not 'autistic', isn't about conforming utterly and completely to that norm. We must each walk our own road; if trying to conform causes you the pain and misery it has so far, then you must find your own way, no matter how zany it may appear to others. In the process of doing this, you may even find a use for the hyper-vigilance you've acquired. It may seem like a curse now, but if you can learn how to tone it down, it may become an advantage.

Good luck.

Yeah, if I were you I'd ask for them to rule out schizophrenia, figure out whether you actually ever had it--what you describe doesn't sound like psychosis, just dissociation.

It can still cause memory problems...some describe how they feel after ECT as 'its as though there is a black hole where the memories used to be' sounds disturbing, especially to me since I already have enough trouble with my memory skills. At least it wouldn't be as bad as a lobotomy though.

Yeah, ECT is kind of a last resort. If the choice is between ECT or depression so severe you stop talking, feeding yourself, or leaving your bed... well, despite the side effects, it can be worth trying. Deliberately inducing seizures isn't something you want to do lightly, though.

I have had to take a look at this myself over the past several months. I kept journals over the time I was in therapy previously, and I looked through about half of them yesterday. I did remember many of the docs and therapists (and friends) disagreed with various diagnosis, many of which were made on whims, without testing, without examining other problems in my life that could be affecting my emotions. I could see over the course of 10 years I had worked out several things were affecting my emotions, in addition to the stress of pushing myself to be NT, which was a pretty obvious struggle in my journaling. I'm simply not a "rat race" kind of gal and what society and my friends wanted for me as "normal", I found very stressful...and apparently always will. I can make things better for me in this world by making better choices for the "real" me, now that I'm not trying to hide so much. For years, I kept my HFA/AS info to myself...except very rarely I might've mentioned it (as a possibility) to a non-psych Doc if I hit my limit on being handled...or occassionally if I blurted out the solution to a puzzle in a group of people, not realizing everybody else couldn't see what I could. When I was first told I had it (when I was about 9) I was told if I worked hard I might "get over it" and I think some part of me held on to that idea. If I never mentioned it, would it still show up? That might be proof if I really had it or not. Looking back through my journals, it absolutely showed! lol And educated people guessed at it pretty regularly. I meant to be hiding a vulnerability (like hiding the fact one is ticklish, and where) but what I was really hiding was a major truth about myself, and that wasn't a very nice thing to do to my Self. So to paraphrase analyser, now I get to start over...but from a point of acceptance and understanding, so this should go a lot more smoothly, and I wish you the same.