Story about aspergers, international love and rejection

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I have never really been active on the wrong planet forum. I have looked at it a lot to learn about my syndrome but I have never posted something on it before. Today I will, I am going to post my story about my love life, international relations, perseverance, disappointment and depression with you. I have also posted this story on 9gag, why? Because I was just curious what others who do not have the diagnosis thought about my story just as much as I wish to know what people with asperger feel about my whole ordeal. Maybe some people might understand how I feel.

so here is the link: http://9gag.com/gag/a5PYexg

please let me know what you think about it

Dear 9gag I have a story for you, I have been told you guys like stories and I have one to share. Now this story might seem like a love story at first but I am going to tell you it won’t end on a “and they lived happily ever after” kind of tune. Some of you in the comments (if there will be any, maybe none will take the time to read it) might doubt my reasons for writing this, or maybe some will just see me as a little crybaby, and others will just tell me I should man up. I have thoroughly prepared myself for any response that might come, but I still think some comments (if any) might still shock me. After all, this is the internet.

First off I am no native in the English language, I am like many people that visit 9gag Dutch, and so I apologize in advance for any poor grammar or spelling. I am in my mid-twenties and another thing I wish to mention is that I have Asperger’s syndrome. To some of you this might be something that is hard to understand, some people feel it is not real others think different on that matter. But I digress let’s get on with the story.

My story started five years ago on a site called Omegle, this was during a time that this site was not as rubbish as it is now. You could still connect randomly to any person in the world and be surprised that you were chatting to someone from the other side of the world or perhaps from someone that lived in the same country. Nowadays it’s divided in languages and the English language one is rubbish and the other language parts take the fun out of it because you know the country (more or less) beforehand.

I went on that site for quite a couple of times, I must say I am not a very sociable type in real life but the possibility of meeting new people online was a lot less anxious for me and I met quite a few. Some I talked to for quite a while some not so much, I remember there was this one Chinese guy who only seemed to be interested to talk to me because he liked the Dutch football team. Well since I am not that into football our conversation topics soon dried out. However among all those people I talked to one person stood out. It was a young Korean girl living temporarily in southeast-Asia that struck my attention. Conversation topics quickly dried out with others but with her the fun never stopped. We started from talking a couple times a week to talking every single day to talking almost nonstop whenever we had the opportunity. Time zones were not working in our favor so at some moments she would talk to me in the dead of the morning or I would talk to her way past my bedtime. It was awesome. We shared jokes we laughed and, well to be honest we kind of started to get in love with each other, even though that is a little bit awkward when you have never seen each other.

At the time I talked to her I was between studies and I started working in a factory. Since I was still living at home I had more money than I had ever had before so I made a daring plan. I am going to visit her! Since I was not that much looking forward going to Southeast Asia (too hot) we arranged to meet in Korea where she would be spending her summer holiday. So I packed my bags and went on a flight to Korea, you would not believe how anxious my parents were that I was flying to another continent to meet up with a girl I had never seen before.

So I landed in Incheon, first thing I did when I got out of the plane was put on some fresh new clothes. I had put a fancy shirt in my hand luggage, I brushed my teeth did my hair, put on some deodorant. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided this was as handsome as I would get (and that is not extremely handsome) and went on to the gates. No words can describe the anxiousness of that moment. You know the girl you have talked to for the past year or so is in that hall but you are afraid you won’t recognize her even though you saw her on skype and had like thousands of pictures of her. I went through the doors and there was this huge lineup of people standing there and I looked and I looked but I could not see a sign of her. I felt afraid “what if she is standing there but I did not recognize her?” “Maybe she thinks I am an idiot now”. Then I get a slap on my shoulder and I hear a familiar voice saying “I am here idiot”. I look to my right and there is the most stunning girl the lord has ever made, I know it sounds cliché to say that but damn I sure as hell felt like that. “oh… okay. Hi!” I said. Now I know that’s not a very appropriate way to greet a girl you are madly in love with upon seeing her in real life for the first time but just try to understand that awkward was an understatement for the feeling we had there on that airport. I followed her back to her mother who for understandable reasons wanted to be there when her daughter would greet this foreign guy. Her mother’s favorite movie is taken so you get the idea how she felt about all of this. Her mother treated me to a huge hamburger and a cup of coffee and I exchanged some Dutch gifts my mum packed for her. Stroopwafels and delft blue that sort of stuff. I finished my hamburger in almost complete silence; I mean this whole thing was pretty awkward and afterwards they brought me to my hostel where I would stay in for the holiday. The awkwardness would however subside and instead of that a whole lot of love would blossom, we shared our first kiss and I left Korea with the knowledge that for the first time in my life I had a girlfriend, and the best one the world could ever give me.

I started my new study and we kept in touch every time we could. In the summer of that year she would return the favor and come to visit me and my family in the Netherlands, while in our first holiday we only stayed in Seoul and surrounding areas, when she was here we visited several places even outside of the Netherlands like London or Germany. While she was there we kind of started to talk about her future, it was her last year in high school and she had to decide on what to do next. Please note that she was not as young as the average high school teen. She had to take some extra years when she switched from a Korean school to a British one in SE Asia(기러기 아빠 stuff). She really wanted to become a doctor and it would be even better if she could be a med student in the Netherlands that way we could be together. So when she left the Netherlands she took an extra class in physics (which is an extra must for Dutch med school) besides her normal program, so that she could get into a Dutch international medicine program. When the deadline came she handed in some documents to apply for that program but the decision came in negative. We were struck with grief we wanted to be together so dearly and she wanted to study medicine so bad. She applied for some other medical universities in the Uk and other countries (so that we could at least be a bit closer) but all that came back negative too, after all her preliminary grades were not uhm… how to say it Medicical student grade high.

So now what? What should we do to be together? Well… accompanied with the rejection mail was the statement that she could apply for Dutch medicine lottery. Which means you will get a place based on pure luck for the next year. However all these places would be in the Dutch language course not the English one. So I started investigating this option, when I started researching this I found out that you could start the next year after (and if) you receive the lottery ticket so that you can have a year to learn Dutch. Meaning that if you participate in the lottery before September of a year (which is the moment a Dutch study typically starts) you get a year to learn Dutch so that you can start in the next year provided you can prove you mastered the Dutch language. So there was still a chance I guess, not a big one but a chance none the less. However we bumped into another hurdle I never really gave thought to, the fact that tuition fees for non-EU students are very high for med school, like 28.000 ~ 32.000 Euro per year, depending on the university. Something I or her parents could not really muster for six long years that such a study takes. Realizing that made us lose hope of ever being together.

However I eventually quickly found out that tuition fees are much cheaper for relatives of Dutch citizens. So marrying or having a registered partnership with a Dutch person would make you eligible for a reduction of tuition fee to just 1800 something. But quickly I found out that such a thing only works if that person also holds a residence permit based on their stay with a Dutch spouse. And one does not even need to be married or have a registered partnership but the partner does need to apply to certain financial means. Like having a certain income or having a year contract with a company. Bear in mind I was and still am a student and even though I would not have cared to stop my study for a year so that she could start her study in peace, I would have to provide additional income and I would more or less just forget about my own study. And plus how was I going to get a year contract so quickly, I even believe you needed to already have that for a year before applying for a permit. All in all that was not going to work, I needed her here so that she could learn Dutch and then next year she could start medicine.

So I came up with a different plan, we would go live in Germany where we could live together under EU rules and get a residence permit. Which just meant we needed enough money to support each other. My university is not that far from the German border so my dad and I went on to find a place for us to stay in in Germany just across the Dutch-German border. We found a nice cheap place and my girlfriend and I put in the necessary paperwork to get her here. We put in the paperwork necessary for her to get in med school via lottery even though that was a big gamble. Chances of getting by lottery were just 33% or so (voor alle geneeskundestudenten die dit lezen, ze kwam in groep C omdat ze een buitenlands diploma heeft). But we went on with it anyway if it did not work we would just find out some other study for her to do, even though her dream was to get into medicine. When the summer approached I took a flight to SE Asia to meet up with her parents one last time before I took their daughter away. I flew back and a couple weeks later she arrived in the Netherlands.

It was however in a completely different atmosphere than the last time, this time she was going to stay with me and live in Germany. Thing was however that she would have to marry me because the German state only hands out EU partner residence permits to actual married spouses of EU citizens. So we married, yes you read that right, we married. Both of us were not ready to be married so we agreed to just call each other boyfriend/girlfriend to others who did not need to know our whole story, but we promised to each other to marry with a real ceremony later with church and all. Instead of the dull one we had now on a morning which was over in an hour with only my parents present.

Before we moved to Germany she had to hand in her final grades of her high school to the medical university she wanted to study in. After that the ministry of education could look if she had a low enough lottery number to get in. I remember standing there in the DUO building looking at the woman who was staring at the screen with her info. She was officially not allowed to tell us yet (that would come later in a letter) but she saw that her lottery number was so low that it was almost a certainty that she would get in. We were both thrilled! There was like a 66% chance of failure but the odds were in her favor and she got the ticket to study medicine in the mail a while later. We left for Germany with two goals there 1. To obtain a residence permit for her 2. To teach her Dutch. Wait? She was going to learn Dutch in Germany? Yes, you heard that right.

Our time in Germany was probably the happiest I ever was in my entire life, we had a lot of fun being together, we would often do fun things together in a country that was foreign to both of us, sure I could pretend to speak some German but it was certainly not my native tongue. And I probably screwed up a lot of der die and das in my sentences. She however spoke no German beyond the sentence “es tut mir leid ich kann kein Deutsch reden”, so all the stress of arranging a residence permit fell on my shoulders, and that was a lot of stress let me tell you. The Kreis (local government) did not make it easy on us, all the papers that had to be filled in that never came, inspections that were a prerequisite to her obtaining a permit would take months etc. etc. But eventually we made it partly thanks to the help of the nicest real estator who found the apartment for us in Germany.

What did not go that well however was her progress in Dutch. I was not really as if she was struggling with it, struggling implies you actually are busy learning it, no her real struggle was trying to beat her enemies on League of Legends. Pleas from me to subscribe to a Dutch course or practice some Dutch with me were to no avail, a couple of months after moving to Germany her Dutch was still at the point of “hallo” and “doei”. So I took a bit more drastic measures, I stopped talking to her in English and I would only respond to her if she talked Dutch to me, the only channel that would be on in our house from that moment would be BVN (Dutch language tv In foreign countries) and I would just make everything around her Dutch. Of course she still had a will of her own and she still played a lot of LOL and read a lot of pann nate (Korean website) but at least she was making some progress. I sometimes even got her to write letters in Dutch, with a lot of nagging on my part the chances of her actually writing something were 50/50 sometimes she would but sometimes she would just randomly mash her keyboard and call it a letter “dafdajfkdlajfklghkedlajfkd”. My own study at the same time deteriorated, first of all traveling to the city where is studied sure became a lot more difficult and I was now spending more time doing household chores (which I did because she is my little princess) and trying to arrange the residence permit plus trying to teach her Dutch added with some laziness to do uni work. However even though her Dutch was not going along swimmingly we still had a lot of fun, she always went with me if I had class and she waited in the cafeteria reading dutch new sites/pann nate (probably the latter). Sometimes when we went back to our village at night crossing the border in the dark (the train station was in holland) the zollamt would shine lights into our eyes to check if we had drugs. This happened so often that they often just told us to move along without checking our bags because they saw us so much.

In april she finally did her first NT2 II test (Dutch proficiency test), and it did not go well. This was already a lot of months after we started living in Germany and from that moment onwards her time was a little bit less devoted to LOL and pan nate and a little bit more to learning Dutch. She even finished “komt een vrouw bij de dokter” and when I saw her crying after she closed the book that meant to me she probably actually understood what the book was about.

Eventually in June long after she got her residence permit we decided to move back to the Netherlands. We thought about staying in Germany but the travel would just be very difficult for a medical student and since she now had an EU residence permit she could live with me in my home country. June was also an important month because that month would also be the second time she would take her NT2 II test, and if she failed she would not get a rechance because there was no more possibility to do the tests afterwards. Ok there was but after getting results plus you need to apply like months before etc. etc. this all made it impossible to do them after June and still get the results in time. But unfortunately she passed all of them save for one, reading. And if you do not pass all of them, you do not have your nt2 II diploma. Needless to say were both devastated after hearing the results. She would not get into medical school and we both started looking for an alternative like chemistry in English or something. But even though she was starting to look into that I decided that we should make one last desperation move to see if she could still get into medicine even without the reading part of the NT 2 test. Needless to say this did not work, but we got a little stroke of luck when one faculty staff member mentioned that there is a language institute on the university, maybe we could go check there. We did and they said that they also take NT2 tests which are not the official ones but they can still gauge if your level is high enough for the university. We talked to the medicine student office and they told us that if she took one of these tests for her reading (which is on the same level as the government test) that they would accept it. So she did the test on a Monday morning in late august. A half hour after the test was over the teacher checked her test and marked it as being passed. Walking on sunshine we ran to the medicine student office and showed the passed reading test and the staff member gave us the confirmation that it was enough. One moment you think that everything you worked so hard for was over and the other moment luck takes a strange turn towards you. She took the test on a Monday and on the Friday that same week her first introduction day of medicine started. Talk about doing everything on the last moment!

So we went on to live in the university city together, I with my study and she with hers we were as happy as can be and you could say we were on a pink cloud together, our life was perfect. However not all was as perfect as could be, her study was not going that well and I think that it was not because of her intelligence or her skill of the Dutch language, but it had more to do with a deadly cocktail of LOL and pann nate. I on the other hand had my own plans about my future I found out about a university master program in Korea. Even though that would mean I would have to be without my true love for a while it would mean that I would have a pretty good adventure going on for me. However I would need to learn Korean for that, but why would that be a problem? I lived with a Korean right? Well no, we did not actually talk a lot of Korean I tried teaching myself a lot of Korean trough books and word lists and podcasts, but nobody has ever learned a language trough books you need to speak it. But when I talked Korean with her she never got farther than hello or other simple things I already knew she did not put in the effort to teach me Korean even though I really really really wanted to learn it so I could go do that awesome master, mind you Korean schools were at the other end of the country and she preffered me not to talk with other Koreans because of the gossip about two unmarried people living together is strange in Korean culture (plot twist we were actually married but never told anyone). My Korean was not improving coupled with the frustration of seeing all my energy I put into her going into med school wasted into LOL led to quite some fights. And at this point it is good to remind you that I have Asperger syndrome. The fights we had before we lived together, online sometimes ended with her going offline without giving me any space to talk about my feelings. She would do this too when we lived in Germany but just completely ignoring me when I talked about my feelings. I listened to her feelings but when I wanted to explain it she would just not look at me put on her headphone and play LOL. Now this did not happen that often before Germany or while we were living in Germany so it was not that bad. But when it happened I really went into autist mode like meltdown, I would really start to panic because I cannot handle having my feelings caged up inside me. Sometimes I would just scream and shout and often even just hit myself and if she did pay attention to me it would just be a look of disgust. But fine, these things did not happen too often so I just tried to get over it. But the huge stress we were both having in the uni city living together led to more fights, if you can call them that, because it mostly was just her doing a lot of ignoring and me just getting really crazy on the inside because my feelings were not heard. Our fights mostly ended with me saying sorry for everything even though I had legitimate reasons not to say sorry because I just wanted to end the fighting and I just swallowed my feelings on the inside. It was as if she did not care I have autism, as if it does not mind to her that it hurts me on the inside. I told her many times I have it and I begged her, I begged her on my knees to just listen to me and pay me a little bit of respect but every time she just ignored me and my panic attacks would get worse because I knew she would never listen to me. I even just smashed my head on the wall but she did not try to prevent it. To her it seemed I had apserger but I should not use it as an excuse to act dumb. But I was not acting dumb.. I genuinely panicked I do not do these things because I want her attention, I did it because my mind saw meltdown as the only way to deal with the huge amount of negative data coming at me. I wish she would have just seen that and helped me prevent those meltdowns by being there for me when I needed her to be there for me and just not let me eat my feelings on the inside.

Well anyway the school year ended we still had a lot of fun together and I loved her with all my heart but she did not actually pass her year but she was allowed to do the next year because of some reason. She only got like 32 points or something whereas a student would need 45/60 points to be eligible to go to year 2. I don’t even want to talk about the reason she was allowed to go on but she managed to convince the uni to let her. At the end of the year my study was also not going that well due to everything, and I still spoke no word of Korean besides that which I taught myself. To Koreans who read this the difference between ㅈ/ㅉ/ㅊ is very hard among other things. I sure wish I had a Korean who was willing to help me differentiate between those things. She was originally going to go to Korea that summer to her family and she asked me to tag along, I could maybe improve my Korean.
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So we went to Korea, I had a great first week there, ate good food talked to her family, played catan with her and her (little) brother of 2 meter. But my Korean learning thing was not going that well, I talked it a bit with her brother but it was still difficult, he was not really my teacher and I did not want to burden him with teaching me Korean he had other things to do. I tried talking to strangers but that is super awkward. So I did the most stupidest thing ever I begged her to finally put in some effort teaching me Korean. She said “ later” well I heard that often enough. So I started getting a bit frustrated and I told her it is not fair that she is not helping me with my Korean. Perhaps it was the frustrated tone in my voice but she got back in her ignore me pose. I tried reasoning with her but the pann nate (really I hate that site) on her phone was more interesting than me. Meltdown mode started kicking in. So I took the phone and I smashed it on the floor and started mashing my head. Is that a reasonable response? No of course not but fellow apsergers with meltdowns could maybe understand a bit what the feeling must have been like. The person you love the most in the world is ignoring you for the thousandth time. Not caring that all you ask of her is just to listen. If she just listened to my problems I would forgive her for not teaching me Korean or fluking the study I worked hard for her to get into, if only she would not ignore me so much. I resent having to eat my feelings everytime just pretending nothing is going on but dying on the inside. I screamed and started hitting myself more, I flapped my hands cried out my lungs etc. all that stuff. Now some people might say I am emotionally abusing her by doing that, and yes that looks devastating. It scares her to see me hit myself yes I understand. But I wish she could look into my heart and mind and see how much it hurted me that she was ignoring my feelings. And that I was in this panic/meltdown mode. I wish that she would just help me instead of judge me. That is emotional abuse too, one I wish she would recognize. I was dead on the inside, I gave everything I had in me to her, I tried so hard to make her happy but she would just not even recognize my pain that I felt because she ignored me.

So I left, with nothing, no phone. I just wandered around the city, having no clue where I was. At perhaps 11 Pm in the evening I got sick of wandering around. I had no idea where I was and I hailed a taxi to bring me back to her place. I went in and her mum had come home. Her mum does not speak a lot of English so we communicate in broken Korean every time she came over in Germany or the Netherlands. I could understand her saying that I came back, but I replied I would not stay long. I took my suitcase and stuffed it with my stuff and announced I wanted to end the relation with her daughter. I did not think her mother would understand why, probably her daughter would have explained the whole story one sidedly, and I did not have the skill or energy to try to explain her why. I took my phone and tried dialing the airline, the dial menu was fully in Korean and I did not understood that the machine was trying to tell me it was closed for this day. The computer lady in the phone told me that again and again and my girlfriend/wife/ex/whatever was staring at me annoyed telling me they do not service anymore today, as if I had to understand that. I called my dad looking if he could help me, her mother asked her what I was doing and she explained (as far as I could tell) that I wanted to fly back and that I was calling my dad. My dad could not do much for me at that moment and I just took my bags and I left. Without a sign of remorse for her actions or an apologize she stood in the doorway and the only thing she told me was that she was going to need the phone back her father gave to me. I got pissed of because I was telling her I was leaving her and all she could muster to say was that she wanted a phone back that was given to me. I got mad, I shouted in my Asperger tone that its stupid that that is all she could say as I was leaving.

I went out into the pitch of the night going to 홍대 to find the same hostel I stayed in so many years before. Luckily a bed was available, and I had somewhere to stay. I stayed a week more in Korea, I was still not sure if I wanted to stay or go. I just walked in the city, with all due respect Seoul is a nice city but it’s attractions for tourists are not that many, I ended spending a lot of time in pc-bangs where I tried to just look at 9gag or whatever to ease my mind a bit. She started texting me where I was, her annoyed mood was over and she seemed genuinely worried where I was. As a sort of revenge I just ignored her, finally she was the one that was being treated as something that does not exist. But I was not really enjoying being alone there. 청계천 is not romantic when you are on your own. I tried talking a bit with some people at the hostel, I even was about to go out with an adopted Korean guy I met at the hostel. I do not even drink alcohol and I always hated discos but I went anyway. The thing however that really made me decide to go in was because I thought the bouncer said 50.000 won instead of 15.000 won. I only later found out it was 15 thousand which is a much more reasonable price, but I just left the club and left the guy in the disco because he entered before me. But don’t feel sorry for him he went with three Thai girls from the hostel so I bet he had a great time.

Eventually though the time would have to come to decide to leave or go, I could not keep on hanging out in Seoul, I was running out of cash and it was just basically depressing, I was really glad the Seoul metro system has these plastic gates in front of their rail because I was not a happy geezer. So I made contact with her again and we agreed to go talk about it. I took the metro to their home and the first thing I saw when I walked up the stairs was her father looking at me. I should have just turned back, this was not the agreement we would talk and not her dad. But I was stupid I walked up and I said to her in Dutch “this was not the agreement” he then talked to me and asked if I wanted to talk to him after I talked with his daughter. I paused for a while and begrudgingly said yes. I did not expect her dad to understand my Asperger thing, he would just defend her in all cases like any father would.

I talked to her in a café and the talk was actually very good. She asked me to stay and told me she could maybe arrange Korean classes for me and she seemed to understand why I was so upset! She did not say sorry but I already had more than I thought I would ever get she understood what was bothering me. She seemed really sad that our relation was going to end in this way and in my mind I was already ready to just accept things as they are as long as she finally realizes I have special needs as an Asperger guy and if she just listens to me no problems will arise and we can both live on happily. So I left the café a little less depressed on to her dad. He said he did not want to talk in a café because it is too crowded. He wanted to talk at their home, I was not very happy about that I would have liked it to remain neutral turf but try saying no. So we went into the house, her mum was sitting there she her tall little brother and her dad was sitting on the opposite of me. It did not feel as if I was just going to have a little chat, it felt as if I was in a courthouse hearing my judgement. Her father started talking and instead of recognizing like his daughter did that there were a lot of things that made me react the way I did which are very understandable. He just started mentioning me being a man and that I needed to take my responsibility as a man and that I need to watch my temper.

My world collapsed, this man was not interested in the reasons I was so meltdowny, he was not interested in the pain I felt. He could not care that his daughter could have easily prevented all this by just stopping to pretend I do not have aspergers and listen to me. And who can blame him? He was just defending his daughter, a fathers eyes are always closed to the harm their children do. But I panicked none the less, that “temper” he told me about, was now starting to show itself again.
I asked him to stop talking, and he did. I saw her brother leave out of annoyance which gave me even more the feeling that I was being pushed in the corner and that nobody cared how I felt! How I felt? Me? The guy that gave your daughter the opportunity to study medicine even though she has sh***y grades? That tried everything to teach her Dutch even though she was too lazy for it herself? All I am asking is for a little respect and I was not getting it from her. Why was I in this situation? Why did she not protect me from it, she should and could have known that this talk with her dad would make me meltdown again. I don’t blame her father for lecturing me like that, but I do blame her for putting me into this situation.

I loved her so much and I thought she loved me so much. Why was this now happening then?

She finally did something smart and she took me out of this whole situation by taking me to the top of the apartment building where there was a plaza to sit. I tried calming down a bit and she tried to give me some peace but her phone kept ringing. Her little huge brother was calling, I have no idea why he was trying to call and I do not care but it started making me panic again. I really felt that her whole family was against me and that she was not doing anything to make me feel better. I wanted to leave I took the elevator downstairs and when I stepped out that big little brother of her was standing in front of the door. He did not say or do anything but so did she. She did not say to him that he had to “f*** off” she did not push him away, she did not explain to him that all of this was causing me to panic more. She was not on my side. Now I know that there are worse things in the world than this, people are being killed in Syria and mothers have to look for their children in collapsed buildings in Nepal thanks to the earthquake there. But boy this sure felt bad to me, it is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. The woman who I loved so much that I gave her my heart and soul did not help me. Sure she brought me to that plaza but she could have done so much more, she could have told her dad that this was not helping, she could have explained her mistakes to her dad. But all in all he just focused on the “bad temper” I had shown. It was as if he was judging a book just by reading it’s last chapter. All she had to do was give him a summary of the chapters that went before that.

So I left the building, in total panic. I tried to find a quiet place to talk to my parents but hey, good luck trying to find a quiet place in one of the world’s most biggest and densest metropolitan areas of our planet. I eventually found some park and I sat on a park bench and dialed my parents, some lady was sitting next to me and she could hear me shouting in the phone in total panic. I wished to leave that country never to return, I felt like I was dumped and ignored like a pile of trash by the one I loved the most. I hope the lady did not get scared by me. She probably thought to herself “why is this American shouting in his phone in German/Swedish/whatever” but I just did not care.

And so I left, back to the Netherlands. Four weeks later she returned too, she wished to keep on studying. I already made it clear to her that no matter what would happen I would help her to keep on studying and she kept married to me so that she could keep on studying in peace. She went on to live in our apartment, which was okay by me, because I never thought that this would be a permanent situation. At any moment she would call me and tell me to come on over and she would apologize to me. She would finally see that this guy who worked so hard for her also needed some respect. I did not want a lot from her, just an apology and the promise that she would never ignore me again. But when I met her again for the first time after the disaster holiday, she was not very apologetic. She was in good spirits and it seemed to me like she was happy to see me, but at this point I was really more interested in getting an apology. But that did not happen, we just talked about how she would be able to keep on studying and about our living arrangements. I would go and live on with my parents and she would live in the apartment and we would remain married. I just brushed it all of and I thought all of this is temporary and at any moment she will realize her mistake and she will come back to me begging for me to forgive her.

Well that did not happen, and that stressed me. I gave her my everything and she was now a medical student here in the Netherlands still benefiting from being married to me. And here I was all alone not even getting an apology for the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. I started texting her explaining why I felt the way I felt and that I needed to have an apology. But she just slowly stopped responding on it. My texts became more frequent and she never responded on it anymore, I started getting more pissed and mad. This girl was living here and studying here thanks to me. She speaks my native language purely thanks to me and now she ignores me again? This was exactly the thing I hated the most in our relation, the constant ignoring and now she was doing it again. It was so simple she just had to face me in real life and apologize. BAM! Things would have been done, I would forgive her and we could go on and live our happy life. But that never happened, I even once said I would go to our apartment and demand an apology but my mother stopped me from doing that she did not think it was a good idea to destabilize things. Finally I did get a message from her in which she said “sorry”. Sorry for what? That she called my mother to stop me from coming there? Or for the whole thing she did to me there in Korea? That was not enough I just wanted her to just fully apologize and show me she meant it. But that did not happen.

After that I stopped messaging her. That was October, I know all these mad messages to her where not good and YES I am ashamed of sending them they must have scared her. But I was scared too, she just did help me even though I needed her. I started having very frequent panic attacks when I realized she would not apologize to me even though I felt I really needed it.

Fast forward to December. My study kept on going slow but yeah I was too lazy to actually do something about it. What I was doing however was trying to teach myself Korean. I was listening to “talk to me in Korean”, watching Korean shows reading Korean things etc. etc. to improve my Korean. I was even often travelling to the Hague/Rotterdam to practice with real Koreans who wanted to learn Dutch in exchange for talking Korean to me. And let me tell you those cities are far away from where I live. But I was still struggling, it is easier to have Koreans around you all the time to learn the language instead of just once every two weeks or so for a couple of hours. I wish there was someone that loved me to help me but uhm… oh yeah never mind. Learning Korean was some kind of therapeutic thing to help me get over all of it and like show her I did not need her. I would teach myself Korean, she never helped me I will make sure I speak it myself so that I can get into that master.

Somwhere in December I was on my bicycle going to the train station to catch a train in the pitch dark of the morning. I don’t know what happened but a scooter and I hit each other. I was brought to the hospital broken hand and a broken jaw, and for an added cool effect my left eye was completely red. Because she was still my wife and somehow linked to me my mum send a picture of me to her. She replied giving some love and saying she would pray for me. I don’t know why but somehow I felt that maybe she was now a bit wiser after living apart from me for this while, maybe this kindness she now showed me was a sign she was finally ready to apologize (either that or it was just simple courtesy of her to say she prayed for me, but I was too stupid to realize that). I started messaging her again, this time a lot nicer and friendlier than I had been in october. At first she actually messaged back and quite friendly too. So I started sending her some more messages trying to reconcile and maybe hoping she would join us for Christmas. But at some point she just not responded anymore. I started getting panicky again (I never like being ignored by her) and sent some more messages begging her to just apologize, no answer came. Christmas came and Christmas passed. I don’t know what she did during that time but she sure as hell did not spend it with me.

After Christmas I just tried some more to get her to come to the new year’s eve party with my parents and me. But at some point after a lot of messages she finally responded however not to me, but to my parents. She told them I had been messaging her again and that she wished it to stop. My parents were not very pleased with this because they did not want any trouble. So they drove up with me to our apartment to try to appease things a bit. But she did not like the fact that we were there, only my mother went in with her and she made my mother talk to her little brother on skype who explained that she felt like she was being pushed in a corner by my family and that my mother only came there to fix the problem I created by messaging her and that she was scared. My mother responded by telling her that I was being pushed in a corner too in Korea and my mother did not feel it was very fair to my mother that she was being told to only be there to fix my mistakes. The whole story of us going to Germany etc. was very much helped by my parents and they borrowed me quite some money to pay for all of that just so that my ex/wife/whatever could study. My mother put in a lot of effort for her too. Then she told my mother she wanted to go back to Korea. My mother left our apartment and told me everything while I was sitting in the car. I started researching ways to divorce even though I did not really want to. I just needed an apology that was all not a divorce.

A couple of days later it was new years eve, I celebrated it with my family and without her. It was not a great party I was pretty depressed from all this stress. I went to bed at 1 am or something but before I went to bed I checked my facebook. I almost got a heart attack she posted a message that she had left and that all the stuff that was hers was still in the apartment and we could throw it away. She just left without saying anything and arranging anything, we were still married and we were now responsible for clearing out the apartment we had lived in together.

I did not get some sleep that night as you can imagine. On the first of January we went to the appartemet. I secretly hoped she would still be there but no she was not, we cleared it out and we just stored all of her stuff in our house. So she was gone now, she left because I constantly messaged her. Yes it was not a good idea of me to do that but I really really needed that apology, I never got an apology for anything but she really really really treated me badly over there in Korea and she treated me badly even before that by ignoring me all the time. She did not care I have aspergers she did not care that I got myself so much into panic mode. If she cared for me she would have just apologized right? Why should I be sorry for sending all those messages? It should be her who should be sorry that she never apologized to me and treated me like s**t.

But she was gone now. The love of my life, gone. Back to Korea. I was torn, at one point I did feel bitterness towards her for how she treated me, I had given her everything and she let me down so hard. At the other hand (and that feeling won) I missed her so much and now she would never be with me again. I knew at some point I knew we had to find some way to divorce. My father sent her a message asking for her address so that we could send her stuff but she never replied on that. Because I was so depressed we just decided to wait with trying to contact her again. If she was not going to contact us then we would not contact us.

But my life was over. I stopped going to uni, I stopped replying to the new Korean friends I made. I just sat at home playing games. It was the only thing that stopped me from thinking about everything. I was too scared to go to bed because if I am alone with my mind I would start thinking about it again. So I did the only thing that stopped me from causing panic attacks, I started lying to myself I started telling myself she would return for me and try to make things better. When time passed on and it seemed unlikely that she would return (as she would have missed too much of her study) I started telling myself that in fact she had never left and that she was still living somewhere else with a friend or something and that at any moment she would pop up and tell me she loved me and that she would try to make things right again. But she did come back however not in the way that I had hoped.

In the beginning of April this year I found out that she was back, she did not tell me I just had to find out another way. I was happy/shocked, she came back! Probably for me, so I told her that I knew she was in the Netherlands but she replied back that she was no here for me but that she was here to arrange things to divorce me. Which is strange, if you just replied to my messages you could have just gotten a divorce while you stayed in Korea and you can just deregister your study trough studielink.nl online. It all made no sense to this day I think she did not come here to divorce me but that she just changed her plan when I found out she came back.

But I was not prepared for this. Anyone with Asperger (and also those without) can agree with me it is really panicking to hear such a thing. She just came back to the Netherlands without any warning giving me false hope that things would be okay again and then she just drops it on me she came here to divorce. Now she is here and I am stressing out, I already was depressed as hell since januari but this is the top of what I can take. Even before she came here I was seeing a psychologist to get myself up again but this is the last push that got me into a much bigger depression.

I had to talk to her on the phone because she wanted me to arrange the divorce as soon as possible so she could go back, totally not caring that I was not ready for anything like that to be done in a rush. I did not want to be pushed into all of this, I was too busy trying to crawl out of a depression which I got kicked in even deeper.

My psychologist tries to tell me to just focus on the bad things. How mean she was to me to ignore me like that, how alone I felt as she threw me in front of the lions there in that apartment of hers, and I do but by god I want to get back with her no matter what she did to me. But she does not want to. I prayed every single night since January that she would come back to me or that she still was here, every time I dreamed I dreamt of her coming back to me and now she was here only to push me into divorce. I was and am going crazy I cannot handle this suicide seems such a good option. But I cannot do that to my family, but every time I am alone I just get crazy. I start screaming again out of nowhere I hit my head I cannot do this anymore.

But I cannot stop a divorce that has to happen someday. Monday last week the appointment at the attorney took place. It was the first time I had seen here since a long long time and let me tell you she was as gorgeous as she was the first time I saw her on Incheon. Things went downhill from that point, I started sending her messages and I got very very suicidal. The only way I am keeping myself from going crazy is by taking fear reducing pills. The only way to keep myself sane is to take drugs (the medical kind).

The divorce procedure has started, a couple of days from now she will leave the Netherlands again never to return. I have lost the love of my life that has entered my life so long ago on omegle. I wish I never left Korea or that I never demanded an apology. But on the other hand I surely felt I needed that apology, I am now sorry for the things I did not so much because I felt that they were wrong (though that message sending was surely not ok) but because it means I lost her. I just hope that she will one day be sorry for how she did things, maybe she will look back on it and realize that she had to do things different. But by then it will not matter anymore, I will not see her again.

I am not mad at myself for the way I reacted. It may sound like an excuse but the panic attacks are really not something I can stop once it started, I wish she realized that. I do not regret doing everything for her in Germany etc. I worked my ass of for her and I am damn proud on what I achieved there. But I wish things would have gone different, I felt so alone out there if only she realized.

Now I know I did things wrong too. Yes I know that it is very scary for someone that looks at me to see these meltdowns and yes those messages were too much, way too much. If she would ever read this story (she won’t she reads pann nate not 9gag), she will probably think I make the story sound too good from my perspective, she probably has a lot of things to add that were bad about me that I tend to look over. But this is how I feel, I need to type this and show it to the world to get over this. Maybe then I can finally take of my burden and continue my life. Maybe I will never be as happy again as when I was with her. Because no matter what happened she was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was funny, smart and if she was not ignoring me she was very sweet. We had our own little world there in Germany and the Uni city. We were a team that was battling the world and I wish I still had that feeling.

Thank you all for reading this. I hope you found some life lesson out of all of this, though I am not sure what it is.