Could my boyfriend be autistic?

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Thanks in advance to everyone who will read this. I met my boyfriend (now ex) 10 months ago. When we first met, we met in a big group and the whole day he did not speak more than 4 words to me, which I didn't think much of because I assumed he was shy and I did most of the talking. Over the next 2 weeks we began talking a lot online and over text. we had great conversations on these platforms and I began to like him. He asked me out for a date and we went to karate- in that date we also didn't speak more than a few sentences (I still assumed he was very shy).

Over the next few months, we would go to the movies and do activities together and each time I saw him, I realized he had a very difficult time talking and he told me that he didn't like to talk. When he did try to form sentences, he would stutter and say 'ummmmm' a lot and would really struggle to make sentences flow together and most of the thing I had to ask for clarifications several times after he would finish saying something. We come from the same country but I realized not only could he form proper sentences in our native language, he struggled in the same way with English.He speaks in a very monotone, robotic tone and has a lifeless expression. I don't think I've ever seen him get excited, but on text and online we continued to have great conversations.

Of course I soon started to notice a huge discrepancy between our conversations on text and in person. I brought this to his attention and he told me all men are like this, which of course is not true. He told me he did not start speaking until the age of 4 and he does not like to talk. A month ago I told him that the communication issue was really a major obstacle in our relationship and I could not connect to him the way I wanted to in a relationship and that we should break up (this was in person). He agreed and said he felt pressure to change and then proceeded to say a few comments that did not make much sense. I am sure if I asked for clarification, they would make some sense but as he was saying them, it absolutely didn't make sense. I asked him if he was okay with being friends and he said yes.

When he went home, he proceeded to write a very long text and send it to me asking if I wanted to be friends or not? I told him we just saw each other and discussed this in person and yes we are now friends and not dating any longer. This was 2 weeks ago and he still does not seem to understand that we have broken up so we have decided to go 'no contact' for a month to see if we can remain friends after this time.

I understood at this point that he also had a difficult time understanding verbal communication as well. I have read various simple quotes to him in the past and he really does not seem to understand what I have just said until I explain very extensively and even then, he cannot respond more than a few works, even though I can tell he wants to and he would be able to if we were having the same discussion on text or online.

A few other things I have noticed is that he does not like food, he absolutely has no interest in eating. He will not try anything new at a restaurant. He also struggles with insomnia every night and says he cannot sleep many night. He does not know very simple things and seems to have no interest in knowing about many common things (he did not know what female periods/menstruation is and he is 24 years old!).

I also noticed he is a bit shut down sexually. He is a virgin, which is fine, but he also seems uninterested in losing his virginity. He does not strike me as Asperger's because he has a speech issue and this is not characteristic of Asperger's as far as I know? I guess you might be wondering why I care whether or not he may be autistic since we have already broken up. Well I am carrying a lot of guilt now for being so demanding with him and asking why he can't talk to me normally.

People laugh at me and ask how I even dated someone for 10 months without talking to him and the truth is that he is a very sweet, caring and considerate guy who I still care for deeply. The end result would still be the same, I just don't think I'm equipped to deal with something like this with someone who is 24 and who thinks all men are this way- I'm almost angry at his parents for not recognizing this issue sooner and sending him to therapy (but from what he describes, his father is the exact same). If this does sound like autism, is there any way I can bring this up in the near future in a friendly way? I don't want him to think that I still have feelings for him and want to be with him, I want to just help him as a friend and increase his quality of life if possible. Any replies would be appreciated, thanks

These types of questions come up a lot and it is impossible to say for certain. None of us can diagnose him.

That being said, this definitely does sound like autism. Especially the language delay - not speaking until 4. Does suggest a developmental disorder and communication being the main impairment does suggest autism or at least something related.

As for how to bring it up to the family is it possible he already has a diagnosis and not told you? If he doesn't I'm not too sure.

Thanks for your reply iliketrees. No, I'm almost certain he has not received a diagnosis and I doubt he believes there is even anything out of the ordinary with him. I have to point out that he has also been able to obtain a Bachelor's degree as well, so he is by no means 'unintelligent'. I think the biggest problem that prevented a diagnosis for him is that English is his second language and many teachers may have disregarded his speech issue, falsely thinking that it is a language problem, when in fact he speaks the same way in our native language as well (he has moved to Canada 13 years ago but when he speaks it is as if he moved here 4-5 months ago). He describes a story where in grade 7 he did not speak a word the whole year and the teacher created a contest to see who could get him to say 1 word by the end of the year. Even that teacher seems to have missed the obvious. I'm grateful you took the time to reply. I also wanted to apologize for a few of my spelling/grammar mistakes, I wrote the message on my phone and now it seems I cannot edit it.

Thanks again to anyone who replies.

It is possible he is getting more self aware but trying to deny it and shrug it off as normal. May have researched autism himself but how much it fit him might have made him doubt his own judgement. Just speculation. When it was first suggested I might have autism I denied it, but after I got curious and looked up what it was and it just seemed to fit and I just told myself my judgement was wrong. I just left it be until recently it was suggested again. An outside view such as from you may help. But again I can't say because I don't know, just sounds like he is a bit in denial. He might not be and really may not believe there is anything wrong. I'm not too sure what you can do though.

It's impossible to say from your description. There could be many explanations for his chronic shyness, and not liking restaurants is also not exclusively an autistic trait.

What you describe is consistent with autism, but it's also consistent with many other things.

Does he have any sensory issues? Strange things with routine? Struggles with non-literal language?

thanks so much for your reply the_walrus and iliketrees. What are some examples of sensory issues? The only thing that comes to mind is that I feel like he has a hard time feeling hungry or thirsty. He describes a time when he forgot to eat for so long he passed out and had to be taken to the hospital- this wasn't because he was too busy to eat, he had just forgotten to. He does struggle with non-literal language and while he is very intuitive and can tell how I'm feeling based on how I act/my tone of voice, he has a hard time actually understanding what I'm saying verbally a lot of the time (this problem isn't present at all over text or instant messaging- he understands everything I say when I write it out and he can write essays as well- when face to face he would not be able to fully say a sentence of what he writes without struggling in some way).
It hurts me to see him struggle this way, even if he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him I think deep down he must have some idea and I don't know how to bring it up because I don't even know for sure what the problem even is! Thanks again in advance to anyone who replies..

Sensory issues are problems with the senses either being under (hypo) or over (hyper) sensitive. While it can be any, the most common one (from what I've seen here) is sound - how is he in a very loud environment? Alternatively, any time you've said his name and he has not responded? Just some examples.

It's impossible to really say why he went so long without eating though it is possible that he might not be able to tell when he's hungry. As to why, I can't say, but the hospital might have said something. He may be under sensitive but I really am not sure.