NT's and Allistics can be so patronising

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I have a tendency to be less than tactful in my approach to discussion. I am very aware of that and I make a conscious decision to be frank about stuff. It's my personality - I don't tolerate people's BS and I would hope that people wouldn't tolerate my BS. But many NT's and Allistics seem to think that it's their duty to give me their unwarranted advice about how I should conduct myself, because clearly my behaviour is just a sign of autism and not one of those pesky personality traits.

For example, a friend of mine spend several hours trying to explain to me why it's important to see things in different perspectives and that I need to be careful in case my tone sounds aggressive to people. I already know that, but I am not beholden to people's sensiibilites 24/7. Why am I always the one that's done something wrong, anyway? Why do I have do change? And in any case, I made a small slip up with one of his friends, who politely ended the conversation. But he thought that it would be a good idea to lecture me on the importance of understanding how "most people" communicate and how my style of communication is oh so intimidating. He even implied that he was embarrassed by me because his friends sometimes ask about me (instead of, y'know, actually addressing me personally).

Many of my other friends (as much as I love them) will sit me down and try to explain to me, like I'm a child, that I need to consider people's feelings. Now, I understand that sometimes I do overlook people's feelings, but I don't appreciate people talking down to me like a child. And I don' respect people who feel like they can't just tell me to my face that I did something wrong. I just get mollycoddled and I'm sick of it.

Any similar grievances?

You disregard people's sensibilities, they disregard yours. And it's not a matter of reciprocity, but of power and who can afford what.

Have you told them you are sick of it? If not, you're doing exactly what they're doing.

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

False assumption that because that because a large majority prefers doing things a certain way that, that way is the only "correct" way.

I don't like it when people try to lay down rules to individuals by invoking "the majority." It seems to me that it's just a secular form of the same repression some people do when they say that god wants this or that. It all usually boils down to the same thing - hiding behind something rather than coming out and owning their personal preferences. I much prefer "I-statements," which to my mind is a much more sincere way of confronting people. I'm not saying that there are never times when they're right about the majority's opinion, just that they're often indulging in wishful thinking. And in any case, I think it's a poor instrument of persuasion, because it makes people feel they're being ganged up on.

I am less inclined to have much regard for NT attitudes which I find irrational and inconsistent.....and ultimately self harming. I see cause and effect clearly and that is all that matters for me.

Where I think I can learn from NTs is in my otherwise focussed nature which I dont really see as an issue as I am happy with it. However to function in this world and get around the superior attitudes of the NTs, I will of course have to expand my capacities a little and that is a good thing in my view....helps me expand my abilities.

Sounds like you may be aware of your style, but not its impact on other people if several friends feel they need to have chats about this. As much as you are bothered by their intervention, they will be bothered by your 'aggressive style' and (I'm guessing) hurtful comments.

My MIL, who I suspect is on the spectrum, also has this style and she does not understand how hurtful she is to other people. I have told her on several occasions, very gently, that her style of communication is hurtful and not acceptable to me and I'm not ok with her talking to my son that way either. It is verbally abusive. Basically, I ended up withdrawing from her company and I'm trying to limit the interaction between her and my son. My husband and I have recently separated and while it is quite difficult, I'm jubilant at the thought I may never see her again.

If every interaction with you is unpleasant, hurtful and embarrassing (your friends will be socially embarrassed if they have brought other friends into contact with you only to be verbally accosted) and they cannot see you making effort to moderate your behaviour then eventually your friends will withdraw from your company.

I understand that 'you are you' - but we all have to modify our behaviour for different circumstances. When I am with my rugby mates, I can be crude and even violent and this is ok. This is ME. But it is not ok behaviour in other circumstances. Similarly I am also a bit of an intellectual and can geek out on stuff- that's also me, but that's not ok behaviour with my rugby mates. Except for one or two of them.

Welp....

You know how you come across. The lecture from your friends is the final last gasp of them trying to stay connected to you. NTs don't normally lecture in an unpleasant situation, they usually just disconnect from it. So they do care about the relationship.

I have a friend with severe ADHD, who has absolutely no mouth filter, and very loud and harsh way of talking. It's like being with a marching band playing at full force.
There are days now I dread getting an email or a phone call from him. He says he can't help it (fine). Won't change his medication (fine), won't see a therapist (fine), and f**k everyone who wants him to ratchet it down a hundred notches (fine).

He doesn't need to change, but I need to evaluate me in this situation. If I can't handle a loud, sarcastic, no hold bars person for hours on end, that's on me for choosing to hang with said person. If I go home a drained dish rag with a roaring head ache, that is my damn fault. I know the person will not change, and I have no filter to make it more tolerable for me. I feel bad that he has alienated all his family (they never see him), and friends (very sporadic contact, I'm the last one who sees him on a weekly basis).

But you can't be always right and have a relationship with people. If your need to have a no BS, in your face persona trumps everything else, well you are going to have fewer friends. My Aspie husband has the truth curse. You can't tell a friend his wife dresses like a tramp in casual conversation, with a group of people around, even if it's true. Yes we all know Buffy dresses like a Craigslist hook up, and wonder why.
Yes, she usually doesn't wear underwear with her shorty skirts. The was NO REASON to bring all this up at a kid's birthday party. Yeah, that was a laugh riot trying calm that fire storm.

I don't think you need to change anything about yourself, if you are truly happy. But a relationship is two people. They can choose to bail, whether it makes sense to you or not. And you being aggravated the other party can't deal isn't fair. Everyone has their limit, and maybe you need to find people with that higher limit for a no BS kind of person.

Another way of looking at it as that aggressiveness and unvarnished truth-telling (as you see it) feels like BS to them and they are trying to tell you that they cannot tolerate it.