Being told to smile...

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This, and also what Waterfalls said is all probably very good advice. In my opinion Waterfalls has a good head on her shoulders. I do not think it is low-level bullying, or her being a "butt" as ToughDiamond said, or flirting or anything else but what she said when you (the OP) got a private moment with her: she thinks you look nicer when you smile, and feels a little uncomfortable when you look so serious all the time.

What nerdygirl and what questor said also resonate with me. When I am not thinking about my facial expression, it slides into lines that look sad or depressed, and when I am concentrating I look frustrated, annoyed or angry. so and are more likely on my face than or I've been getting told I should smile since I was three or four years old. When I was small I protested that this was my normal face. When I was a little older I heard that it takes five times as many muscles to frown as to smile, and I decided that was flat out ridiculous because when all my facial muscles were completely relaxed, everybody around me thought I was frowning. Now that I'm in my 40's and on the interwebs all the time I use the meme: this is my resting bitchface. I'm not mad at anyone, I'm just not happy enough to be all or or every waking moment. I'm relaxed, I look I'm concentrating, I look . Can't help it unless I put forth an effort, and if I'm trying to smile rather than naturally smiling because I'm actually happy, it looks more plastic than natural . Sorry about that. It's also definitely true that if I have to concentrate on how my facial expression might appear to you the listener, I will probably fail to track all of the words your saying and miss the point you're trying to make and miss my cue that it's my turn to talk.

I agree that there is possible sexism here, but only if Raleigh is female. It's absolutely true that society is more comfortable with telling women to smile than men: just look at this anti-harassment campaign site. Common feeling among NY feminists is that women are obligated to smile so they will be prettier objects for the male gaze to consume. This is probably an overreaction, but there is probably also some truth to it. I know I get told to smile more often than NThubby does. This anti-harassment campaign wouldn't exist if there weren't a whole lot of men out there who feel like they have the right to tell a perfect stranger that she should be smiling for no other reason than that she's female and he thinks women who smile are more aesthetically acceptable in his scopes.

But yeah, in meetings and situations where everyone is known to everyone else, she probably just wants you to smile so you look like you're tracking, participating and/or paying attention rather than going into zombie-mode. Maybe your non-smile, like mine, looks more like "death warmed over" than the faces of all the extraverted NT's who are actively participating in the conversation. But your explanation should suffice. Hopefully now that you've explained she respects you enough to not pressure you and embarrass you by singling you out anymore.

Oh well, can't please everybody I guess. I still think the best way to make somebody smile is to make them happy, like I said before. But I think Raleigh is feeling more comfortable with the situation than he was when he first posted about the event. I seem to remember he'd earlier said he felt a little bit bullied, didn't he?

I think a lot depends on the relationship between Raleigh and this girl. If they're close, her familiarity would seem understandable. Otherwise it seems a little odd. What stands out for me is that she was getting rather personal. What does Raleigh think?

Thanks, ToughDiamond, and everyone else who responded. I think I feel ok with it now. We work fairly closely together and we do joke around a lot. I think I was feeling pissed off about a lot of things the other day and the "Smile, Raleigh" just made me snap. I really should have said something to her earlier but I tend to avoid starting conversations. Talking it through with everyone here first helped me to have that conversation, so thanks again.

Great, we got a result
I can relate to that difficulty in starting conversations, especially when having to challenge people.

I'm glad things are better.

I feel anxious if someone I spend a lot of time with is unusually irritable, she might have been worried or confused.

Good that it's over.

My husband lost a bonus due to not "being more friendly/open/helpful/looking like he actually didn't mind the clients...ie...would it kill you to mix in a smile so people don't think are a loner lunatic." His work is excellent, the clients would avoid him because of his blank look, and would overload the other workers just to dodge him.

His default face is utterly blank. I have a hard time reading his face, but others have no shot. He does not get include to group things too often because people think he's mad, pissed off, bored or annoyed.

He tells me he has no clue how to move the muscles on his face to express emotion (?). It's either very very happy or very very angry. There is no facial expression in between. (hope that makes sense)

The sad thing is, this makes him so upset. He cried when work offered to get him acting lessons so "he could fake being friendly and approachable."

So saying smile to my husband really meant his job was on the line. It wasn't just "smile", but the whole body language-social interaction thing. Management thought he hated his job by how he acted and looked. My husband thought he was being helpful and efficient by minimizing all the "social BS".

Smile might just mean smile, or there is a whole huge back story that isn't verbally being told to you. Like my husband, get more approachable or you're out.

My fake smiles look really fake, so I always avoid them. Other people's smiles often look patently fake to me (but not always, by any means), so I believe neurotypicals perceive the fakeness from a mile away, but they usually behave as if they didn't notice it, which I find very disturbing.

I remember being told this at church a couple decades ago; people thought I didn't want to talk or socialize after church because my face looked like that. People thought I was stuck up or didn't like them specifically. At the time I would have told you I was painfully shy, or busy worrying about what my young boys would get up to if I got distracted by long conversations, or that they didn't like me enough to seek me out and talk or include me in their conversations. Now I know about ASD and know I have it I understand better why I was never any good at socializing after church.



It makes sense. I myself don't usually feel that way but I understand, and I know my facial expressions are often either exaggerated or inappropriate to the situation. Sometimes I realize that I made a face that meant something to an NT that was totally not what I was feeling or wanting to communicate, but I usually don't know what was wrong with the way I arranged my features, or how I should have done them to say what I meant.

Recent example: dining out, I wanted the server to ask us if we needed anything so I could tell her we needed a stack of paper napkins (NThubby and I are both rather messy eaters, especially when we are really enjoying our seafood). She made direct eye contact with me as she looked up from serving dessert to the table next to us--and somehow my face told her we were enjoying everything, we were fine and we didn't need anything at the moment. Not a clue why my face said the opposite of what I meant.



I totally get this, I cry when people think I meant the opposite of what I meant too.



I get it. My supervisor and manager know I'm ASD now, so as far as I understand the ADA that means they can't use my Aspieness to fire me without risking a lawsuit. I'd consider it if I thought they fired me unfairly for an ASD thing that I can't help. It really shouldn't be a job requirement for people to smile at co-workers, but if you're in a customer service job like sales or reception you should smile at clients and customers.

I'm glad Rawleigh got everything worked out with her co-worker. I too am crap at starting conversations that might turn into confrontations. Like Rex in ToyStory.

I'd almost forgotten about this thread.
I was just thinking as I reread the posts that the person that used to tell me to smile hasn't done so for quite a while.
That's something to smile about

I tried to smile on purpose once. It went down kind of like this.

Yeah I totally think of that scene all the time when I'm trying to smile and I know it's coming off fakey.

I was arguing with my cheeks this morning about how I really should try to smile but they were having none of it.

Sorry I spelled your name wrong up there Raleigh, I can't edit it this many hours later either.

Oh wow I remember that . It's been a long time since I've seen Teen Titans

How about saying, "I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing and I was concentrating on what you were saying." Put the responsibility on them.

Let it go after that. You've put the person on notice publicly. THEN if they continue, if there is an HR department, take it up with them.

As for being told to smile, never heard it unless being addressed to children. I have been told many times that I look angry. But, never to smile, at least as an adult.

"Cheer up, it might never happen"
About the most common sentence I ever get, "thats what I'm afraid of", I reply.

I like the Russian view of smiling, here:- are http://in.rbth.com/arts/2013/11/29/ten_reasons_why_russians_dont_smile_much_31259
About my favourite one is :- 2. In Russian communication, a smile is not a signal of politeness. Russians call a perpetual polite smile an “attendant’s smile,” and it is considered a negative feature of a person, demonstrating his insincerity, secretiveness and unwillingness to show his true feelings.

I think Aspies don't smile much because of their honesty, they don't like to pretend.

Love the article on Russians and smiling! Guess I know where I need to move...