Relatives that say it's not Autism and they only punish

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Trying to be succinct -

My own family was horrible to me, everything was punishment. If you do a thing wrong it's anger, hatred, punishment. Physical, mental, emotional - take all privileges away to make me do as they wished (and I still couldn't do it - surprise surprise) so they always told me negative and hateful things about what a failure I was.

Fast forward to being far away from all of them and having 4 kids of my own and the kids mostly don't even talk to one another. They're grown now and they just hate each other. I see AS traits in them clearly and they all deny it. Each has quirks and issues and the next hates them for it. I hear "She's a horrible person" all of the time and "He's just an ass so who wants to be around him anyway?" as they leave each other out of gatherings or refuse to communicate.

I've been diagnosed with AS but am the only one with an official diagnosis. They won't even be evaluated.

My big issue is this - if one of them were in a wheelchair, the others wouldn't talk about them cruelly and make fun because they can't walk. Instead they would rally around the disabled sibling, at least I think they would. For the most part all 4 are decent humans. But there is zero tolerance for the others and each feels they're the only 'normal' one.

Like my own 3 brother and sisters and mother and father - there is nothing there but hatred and contempt. No attempt to understand, no attempts to get me help when I was a kid, no discussion on what is going on. Just punishment and always telling me I'm a horrible person and a failure and a disappointment.

Do you ever see this or is my family the only ones who refuse to accept the spectrum as explanation for behavior? I've tried for decades to be understanding to each kid, and to explain to the others that this kid has this issue and they have another issue and they all tell me I'm just stupid and I'm falling for the horrible person's tricks. They all insist that person has no problems, they're just a horrible person.

Shouldn't there be understanding? Especially in a family that is rampant with AS traits for generations. My mother and her father are Textbook Aspies. Classic. Just didn't get a diagnosis back then. They did get diagnosis of Clinical Depression, OCD, other stuff. Now it's clear they were both AS.

I struggle with this all of the time. Just because a person doesn't have an official diagnosis, I can't write them off as being a jerk when what I see is typical AS behavior that may appear like a 'jerk' to an NT if they don't try to understand it. I'm sick of being written off myself as being mean or thoughtless or an idiot when I have none of those motivations.

How do you get hard hearted people to try and understand? And then what if the people I'm trying to get to understand are themselves Aspies and maybe they can't see the good motive the badly behaving person has?

To be angry at someone and say "Oh they can help it - they just don't want to act better because they're a horrible person" is something I can't find a way to counteract. I heard that all my childhood and I hear it now from each kid about the others. Lots of backstabbing and gossip and anger and they won't be in the same place at the same time, etc. No forgiveness. No trying to understand. No letting anything slide, instead everything has to be punished. And grudges have to be held indefinitely.

Ah - really good points. Thank you. I think that sounds right.

I mentioned a lot of people there, not sure which ages you are interested in.

I've seen this my whole life growing up in a family of very dysfunctional people that clearly are on the spectrum. No help, only punishment for being different and always the constant accusation that "they know what they're doing - they can do better" I think if you punish a child continually week after week, month after month, year after year, at SOME POINT it should dawn on you that they really CAN'T do better. They are what they are. So stop punishing and try to understand or get them some help or cut them some slack.

I've seen this all of my own children's lives with their siblings. Now they're all grown but the 'least afflicted' and 'most NT' of the bunch always criticizes me because I cut slack to her sister and brother who are absolutely AS (not officially diagnosed). She thinks I "let them get away" with stuff and I give in to them. They're in their late 20s and 30s and clearly they are NOT just getting away with anything. They are able in some areas and totally unable in others and I help them when I can. I get called a sap for "letting them take advantage" of me.

I think the previous answer was correct, but it's ridiculously hard to deal with when your entire family growing up was this way and your own family is the same way. I wish I had found an NT for my partner so I could have diluted the AS in the genes, I think.

That was a very nice and thoughtful reply, Chickenbird. Thank you.

Yes. They tried to beat it out of me. All of my childhood.

Thanks for your reply. I understand - we're about the same age and we came through this at the same time.

That is a great Hans Asperger quote.