11 Sep 2015, 3:36 pm
How I express myself:
I like someone I vaguely know "You're pretty ok"
I value someone a lot as a friend "You're pretty ok"
I love someone "You're pretty ok"
I think someone is pretty ok "I have nothing against you"
Or I just don't say anything, no matter what I'm feeling/thinking
Notice the "creativity" in the first three.
I often want to say something (intention to put feeling/idea into words), but then I don't say it (can't create the words/feel anxious about what I want to say) and it comes out wrong (say something that might not even have anything to do with what I want to say).
I often say phrases that convey only generalized emotion. I can't quantify emotions with my words. I feel incompetent to use words to express my emotions correctly. I don't even know these words. I'm not even good with language.
I'm not even sure if I feel the same amout of (positive) emotions that other people feel.
I use one phrase for lots of different things. Not just emotions. I use very simple sentences as placeholders for more complex stuff, but I never put anything where the placeholder is.
I never say "I love you" to anyone. Not even my parents, even though I love them. It feels completely unnatural. Like I'm gonna die inside if I say it. When my mom says "I love you" I reply "Yeah...". 
Anyone have similar problems?
11 Sep 2015, 5:16 pm
11 Sep 2015, 5:28 pm
11 Sep 2015, 5:29 pm
11 Sep 2015, 6:00 pm
12 Sep 2015, 12:45 am
12 Sep 2015, 1:10 am
12 Sep 2015, 2:41 am
Thanks for the replies guys, it's good to see that I'm not alone with this.
@pcgoblin That's really nice! 
nurseangela wrote:
So the 3 first "creative ones" - Your feelings are on the same level for someone you hardly know as compared to a friend or a loved one?
My feelings seem flat to me most of the time, but no. If I see someone I know and like downtown, I'm happy to talk to them if I have to, but it's difficult or scary to show that I'm very very happy. It might come out as mild amusement or something. I probably don't know what to talk about, but I'm happy.
It's like what I feel and what I express are two different instances.
The feeling instance just feels whatever if feels, often I suppress it.
When I want to express something, the feeling instance sends a signal to the expressing instance.
IF the expressing instance fails (it's kinda uneducated, most sentences it creates are similar) or lazy/tired (yes, it uses "stock sentences" in the first step sometimes), it expresses whatever it has come up with, and sends an error report to the feeling instance. END [*]
ELSE the expressing instance has come up with something sensible, it sends it back to the feeling instance to review,
if it's ok (most of the time there's something wrong with it: either it feels "wrong"/uncomfortable or I have the urge to hold information back), good, express. END
But if not it sends it back as a different signal (sometimes a different feeling too) and the expressing instance tries to make sense of it again until it fails [*] or the feeling is so distorted that I'll say some really weird things. END
For example if I wanted to say "I love you", the feeling instance (if not suppressed) sends the signal, the expressing instance comes up with the easiest possible sentence "I love you", sends it back and it feels wrong, the feeling instance is confused and sends another signal, like "I'm happy that you're in my life", the expressing instance sends that back again, and it's still not ok to the feeling instance, so it makes something very flat, and that's cue to the expressing instance to make "You're pretty ok". And that works, and that's what comes out.
This is a lucky case btw, often the expressing instance comes up with something bad and just sends it.
I hope you can make at least a little sense out of this.
12 Sep 2015, 9:18 pm
Earthling wrote:
Thanks for the replies guys, it's good to see that I'm not alone with this.
@pcgoblin That's really nice!
My feelings seem flat to me most of the time, but no. If I see someone I know and like downtown, I'm happy to talk to them if I have to, but it's difficult or scary to show that I'm very very happy. It might come out as mild amusement or something. I probably don't know what to talk about, but I'm happy.
It's like what I feel and what I express are two different instances.
The feeling instance just feels whatever if feels, often I suppress it.
When I want to express something, the feeling instance sends a signal to the expressing instance.
IF the expressing instance fails (it's kinda uneducated, most sentences it creates are similar) or lazy/tired (yes, it uses "stock sentences" in the first step sometimes), it expresses whatever it has come up with, and sends an error report to the feeling instance. END [*]
ELSE the expressing instance has come up with something sensible, it sends it back to the feeling instance to review,
if it's ok (most of the time there's something wrong with it: either it feels "wrong"/uncomfortable or I have the urge to hold information back), good, express. END
But if not it sends it back as a different signal (sometimes a different feeling too) and the expressing instance tries to make sense of it again until it fails [*] or the feeling is so distorted that I'll say some really weird things. END
For example if I wanted to say "I love you", the feeling instance (if not suppressed) sends the signal, the expressing instance comes up with the easiest possible sentence "I love you", sends it back and it feels wrong, the feeling instance is confused and sends another signal, like "I'm happy that you're in my life", the expressing instance sends that back again, and it's still not ok to the feeling instance, so it makes something very flat, and that's cue to the expressing instance to make "You're pretty ok". And that works, and that's what comes out.
This is a lucky case btw, often the expressing instance comes up with something bad and just sends it.
I hope you can make at least a little sense out of this.
@pcgoblin That's really nice!
nurseangela wrote:
So the 3 first "creative ones" - Your feelings are on the same level for someone you hardly know as compared to a friend or a loved one?
My feelings seem flat to me most of the time, but no. If I see someone I know and like downtown, I'm happy to talk to them if I have to, but it's difficult or scary to show that I'm very very happy. It might come out as mild amusement or something. I probably don't know what to talk about, but I'm happy.
It's like what I feel and what I express are two different instances.
The feeling instance just feels whatever if feels, often I suppress it.
When I want to express something, the feeling instance sends a signal to the expressing instance.
IF the expressing instance fails (it's kinda uneducated, most sentences it creates are similar) or lazy/tired (yes, it uses "stock sentences" in the first step sometimes), it expresses whatever it has come up with, and sends an error report to the feeling instance. END [*]
ELSE the expressing instance has come up with something sensible, it sends it back to the feeling instance to review,
if it's ok (most of the time there's something wrong with it: either it feels "wrong"/uncomfortable or I have the urge to hold information back), good, express. END
But if not it sends it back as a different signal (sometimes a different feeling too) and the expressing instance tries to make sense of it again until it fails [*] or the feeling is so distorted that I'll say some really weird things. END
For example if I wanted to say "I love you", the feeling instance (if not suppressed) sends the signal, the expressing instance comes up with the easiest possible sentence "I love you", sends it back and it feels wrong, the feeling instance is confused and sends another signal, like "I'm happy that you're in my life", the expressing instance sends that back again, and it's still not ok to the feeling instance, so it makes something very flat, and that's cue to the expressing instance to make "You're pretty ok". And that works, and that's what comes out.
This is a lucky case btw, often the expressing instance comes up with something bad and just sends it.
I hope you can make at least a little sense out of this.
This, plus I frequently can't choose and say nothing.
13 Sep 2015, 1:39 am
13 Sep 2015, 1:56 am
13 Sep 2015, 3:17 am
13 Sep 2015, 4:56 am
@olympiadis You even read bruh? This doesn't have anything to do with NTs.
Cyllya wrote:
This is understandable.
At least where I come from (Arizona, USA), it's not really normal or acceptable to gush tons of emotion in most cases. Men are especially discouraged from many displays of emotion (In fact, the behavior you describe seems similar to what a stereotypical sitcom male would do.) but it applies to women too. After being pounded with all sorts of DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS! messages your whole life, and carefully keeping to the practice of expressing your feelings only in small doses, it's kind of hard to suddenly do a 180 with your behavior.
At least where I come from (Arizona, USA), it's not really normal or acceptable to gush tons of emotion in most cases. Men are especially discouraged from many displays of emotion (In fact, the behavior you describe seems similar to what a stereotypical sitcom male would do.) but it applies to women too. After being pounded with all sorts of DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS! messages your whole life, and carefully keeping to the practice of expressing your feelings only in small doses, it's kind of hard to suddenly do a 180 with your behavior.
I know that's the most obvious conclusion, and I'm sure I was influenced by that in some way.
However I wasn't socialized like that: Parents and family didn't notice/influence much since my mind was shut away from them due to bullying. To an outward observer this might've looked like I was trying to act tough, but that's not it at all. I wanted to talk about it, but couldn't because I couldn't find the words due to the system I've explained.
Also I thought if uninvoled people see that I'm bullied they don't want to be my friends, so better keep it a secret.
I was never part of a peer group where there's pressure to act that way either.
In fact I have little experience with how to speak and behave in general and mostly have to rely on my gut, I think that often makes me talk and behave like a kid. Especially on the phone or when I'm excited/alert.
I wonder if I hadn't been bullied so early on in life if my feeling-communication system would have developed past that point. Then again, I couldn't make a connection in the first place.
15 Sep 2015, 2:55 am
15 Sep 2015, 3:45 am
15 Sep 2015, 5:09 pm
