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Penandinkmarie
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02 Oct 2015, 2:29 am

Does anyone find it easier to NOT have friends? Or at least ONE but that's it.....to me, it's just exhausting to have 5 or 6 people to text or chat with constantly keeping in touch with them....I'd rather just have one to keep track of and that's that...I'd rather have my dog as my best friend and have him ALWAYS by me, than have 5-6 friends texting me constantly and annoying me during my alone time.....anyone feel this way?



Misery
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02 Oct 2015, 2:50 am

I think it depends somewhat on the individuals in question, and your relationship with them and such.

In my case, my friends all are very understanding of my condition, and accept the fact that much of the time, I aint gonna talk much or be social. They typically wont try to engage me in conversation unless I'm clearly in the state of mind where I'm ready for that. Only real exception is if they have something to tell or show me that they think I might be particularly interested in.

But if they were the sort that DIDNT really understand and required constant contact anyway, then yes, there'd be a problem, and not one that's easily fixed.

It might help if you talk to them directly about the whole thing, see if you cant get them to understand it a bit.



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02 Oct 2015, 5:04 am

I've never had 5-6 friends to keep track of, but I think it would be too hard. I like having 1-3 close friends with whom I am in regular (at least weekly) contact. I couldn't handle more than that. But, even as it is, if I didn't contact the 3 friends I have, I wouldn't ever hear from them.



BirdInFlight
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02 Oct 2015, 5:31 am

I totally relate to this question. For me, it IS easier not to have so many friends or acquaintances. At the moment, I happen to be in a time in my life when I really, really need time to myself, to think, to process, just time to myself. Yet weirdly more people are making friends with me than I want.

There's a local forest parkland I go to, specifically to be alone in nature, think my thoughts, be with the animals there and just BE. It's actually better for my mental health than any medication. I need that peaceful time. But it's a very "social" place and without even my trying or effort, I've found myself with so many acquaintances in this park that the last time I was there, no less than EIGHT PEOPLE came up to chat. One after another. Serially. I wound up getting ZERO time to myself. I had brought a book along -- that book made it out of my bag, into my lap, but never a page was turned.

I never wanted all these park friends. The awkward, conflicting thing is that I DO like them, they're nice people, they're not monsters trying to ruin my day. I LIKE a brief chat and I don't want to be rude. But there are so many of them that my time in that park is being completely monopolized. My aim, goal and purpose in being there is being trampled on by all these people's impositions on what I'm doing there with my time. It's not that any of them knows that five or six people before them have already come up to me and taken up twenty minutes of my time. I get that. They don't mean any harm but harm is happening and I wish I had never let these people get close to me, now. But what do you do without being rude?

It's up to me to say something -- but how do you say "You're the eighth person who has taken me away from my time sitting quietly reading my book, could you go away?" There's no nice way to say that to someone you DO like but just that they are one of many who have robbed some alone time from you.

I get "alone time" at home but my apartment is NOT a restful place. I can't afford to live in a quieter street so I live over heavy flowing traffic. I don't have my own backyard or back garden. If I want to sit in nature I have to go to this public place. But I can't catch a break.


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Earthling
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02 Oct 2015, 8:39 am

Well I don't rly check whatsapp, so I couldn't easily have friends.
I can totally understand it's too much hassle having to manage 4+ people... :(
Maybe NTs don't give it as much energy like I do. Usually when I text someone I'm as engaged as I can be... maybe NTs only use part of their consciousness on stuff like that.



Aspie19828
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02 Oct 2015, 8:48 am

It is a lot easier having no friends. You get to do what you want and not have to adjust to make other people happy. I live my life for me and life is easier this way.



em_tsuj
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02 Oct 2015, 1:05 pm

One is the perfect number of friends for me.



NowhereWoman
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04 Oct 2015, 9:58 pm

Sometimes...You know what's really hard? Figuring out how often you're supposed to reach out or be in touch or whatever. Usually I'm either communicating too much or too little. Same with conversations. How much talking is the right amount of talking? Are silences okay? And so on.



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05 Oct 2015, 5:41 am

Just copying a pasted my reply from a similar thread.

I gave up on the idea of trying to make friends outside the internet. I realized the only reason I tried wasn't because it's what I wanted, but because it's what I though as normal. Every time I go out to social places, I just fill with anxiety and end up extremely drained. But I really enjoy hanging out (over the internet, not in person) with my online friends. Mostly I meet them on different games and forums like this. They're a lot less judgmental, and because most of the time, it's over faceless voice calls or text based messaging, there's, at least for me, a lot less stress. Now that I've fully realized this, I don't put much effort into making offline friends and the need to socialize is filled by my online friends. It's honestly made a huge impact on my stress levels. I still maintain healthy professional relationships with co-workers, but I don't do anything with them outside of work. But I'm a lot happier now that I realized the only reason I tried to be social offline was some want to be normal, more than likely a left-over want from my school days.


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05 Oct 2015, 3:44 pm

NowhereWoman wrote:
Sometimes...You know what's really hard? Figuring out how often you're supposed to reach out or be in touch or whatever. Usually I'm either communicating too much or too little. Same with conversations. How much talking is the right amount of talking? Are silences okay? And so on.



I was going to write something similar. I think I err on the side of caution and keep in touch too little.

In answer to the OP's question. It is easier, but I'm not happier when I don't make the effort with friends. I've learned that I have to do a lot of work to keep friends (well, to me it's work, but to NTs I guess it's just regular stuff). I don't feel like I bond very well with people, I don't know how to bridge the gulf between me and other people, I don't feel like anyone tries to bridge that gulf with me, so I don't know if I'm being unusually quiet or if I'm being normal.

I could write about this for an hour. It really confuses me. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot of superficial acquaintances, but I don't really have any mutual relationship with anyone where we can open up to each other and rely on each other. I know a lot of people and I've spread myself quite thin. I think that because I know a lot of people, others just assume that I have friends already and so wouldn't need to be invited anywhere, whereas I am alone most of the time.

I'm good at faking being social, but I don't think anyone really knows how alone I am.



IgA
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06 Oct 2015, 11:04 pm

I am sorry, this is going to be a long post. I have a lot to say about this subject -- No Friends vs Friends

Yes, I agree that having friends is much harder for me than not having any. However, there are negative consequences to not having friends. I will list them below, but even those negatives do not deter me from keeping my no friend status, because there are many more negatives to having them.

Not having friends ...

1... makes people think you are a jerk/witch. If people notice you are never with anyone, they automatically believe you are a bad person. They have no idea you are alone by choice, nor would they ever believe being alone is a good thing. There is an assumption that lone-wolf type people are always sad because they are alone. I'm sad I can't be alone more.

2... hinders any chance of being able to stop antagonizing people from messing up your day, due to not having anyone standing up for you when self-defense doesn't work. This is enhanced by #1, because they may believe you deserve the mistreatment -- afterall, s/he doesn't have friends so s/he must be a jerk, thus deserve the bullying.

3... means there isn't anyone to call on when 2 or more people are needed to get a job done you really want to acomplish quickly. For example, I am building a retaining wall made of tires, gravel, concrete, and plastic trash. I have no one to call to help me supply the plastic trash, or help me build it. This means my construction is going very slowly. I am not able to solicite strangers for help, and the professional landscaping companies I have contacted have been quite rude due to #4. The upside is, tires are free, and I am enjoying finding the correct ones for my needs.

4... means I do not need a phone. The cost of a phone is just too high, especially when I have no reason to have one. I do not have friends or family or an employer needing my phone number. There is no one in my life I talk to on a personal level. I do all my interacting through email, and occasionally on web forums. When someone asks me for my number (like a store or a service professional), they turn negative on me, like they just found out I am a criminal. All I say is I don't have a phone. Their tone of voice changes and I can feel the negativity coming off them. Even through email, it is apparent they are not interested in me being their customer if I do not have a phone. This, to me, is very strange, and don't understand it at all.

Banks really don't like to hear you don't have a phone. I moved to a different state several years ago, but I couldn't find a bank here I liked, so I kept the account I had without a problem. Well, 2011 I decided I didn't need a phone. Earlier this year, 2015, I was making a purchase needing a cashiers check. I enlisted their online services, but the amount required me to call them. I told them I do not have a phone. I would be putting my info at risk if I used a public phone. They still insisted I call. I did find a business that allowed me to call my out-of-state bank, but the security questions they asked me were not hard to answer. Any family member wishing to impersonate me would have known my birthdate, social, and address. Besides, how does a call prove who I am more than typing answers in my secured account profile?

I was treated like a criminal and prevented from prompt customer service just because I don't have a phone.

There are more negatives, but those are the top 4. There are many more negatives to having friends. Technology allows us to go about our lives without going crazy. Having people in my personal life would defintely make me insane like those mass shooters. I do not condone their actions, but I do understand getting so angry you don't have control over your hatred of everyone. I have always believed in being civil with everyone, even if you don't want to be friends with them.

The probelms occur when people force themselves into your personal space without explicit permission. When they know something bothers you, that is exactly what they do. People enjoy antagonizing others who do not enjoy their actions. Your discomfort fuels their energy. Hurtloam said above about not feeling bonded with people. I feel the same, but I think it is because I am wondering when their mean streak will come out on me -- will it be in front of everyone, or will it be in private? It doesn't always occur the same way, but it does always occur.

People critisize Hitler's army for following along, but I truely believe almost everyone I have encountered would have followed along in Hitler's army just the same. There isn't much of a difference to me -- burning people or daily domestic terrorism for years -- it is the same, especially when there is no one standing by my side to fight against the negativity.

There just isn't a good medium, where I could be friendless, but also have people in my life I can call for constructive/productive work. People would say I am "using them" since I don't want to hear about their relationships or pet or other personal issue. Work related (productivity) problems I don't mind helping with, as long as it doesn't involve gossip. There just isn't anyone interested in an all-work constructive type of relationship. Therefore, no friends is the best option for my life.



FallingDownMan
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07 Oct 2015, 12:05 am

I would prefer being alone and having no friends, but I hate the loneliness that comes from having no friends. I have found that I do need human contact beyond talking to the person behind the cash register, and that requires friends. Having just one friend runs into the problem of needing human contact when that person isn't available, so I try to maintain a few friends. Any more than a few friends, and it seems that I have no alone time which I need A LOT of.


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Luzhin
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07 Oct 2015, 4:09 am

I wouldn't mind having one friend, that would be one more than I have now. :(



thatguywhowearseyeliner
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07 Oct 2015, 10:23 pm

maybe it would be. i basically sit there spacing off, or say ever-increasingly not right things, or have the perfect thing to say then space out in the middle of it. it doesnt help that they're all sophomores so they're way too happy and energetic about things and havent died inside all the way yet. they're so loud


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EzraS
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08 Oct 2015, 1:58 am

I don't have the desire or ability to maintain friendships.



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08 Oct 2015, 4:13 pm

yes, it's really hard to have relationships with people in general, having all those conversations is tiring and annoying, it takes up time that i would rather be spending doing something else.


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