confused and hurting

Post Reply New Topic

Hey everyone, I am in a lot of pain right now and i dont know what to do. I am in love with my girlfriend of 3 months and things are very serious. We are discussing kids and a lifetime together. She knows that I believe that i have AS and has told me she understands the difficulties.

Recently she has just told me that she wants to hold off having kids until we are done with school as well as she is not sure about the level of my comitment about the matter of a future with her. She has told me that it has been in the back of her head due to her previous relationship and as well as about her insecurties about the matter. I immediately got frustrated and began talking agressively towards her which resulted in an early end to our conversation. She suggested that we talk after i had calmed down and i agreeed. I was upset because i couldnt understand how she could still consider me leaving her with talk of a life and baby together. I was also hurt because i began to wonder if she was trying to break up with me.
I know we have been together only 3 months as well as i lost my cool about the matter which i apologized for. I know she loves me a great deal as i do her but I am having trouble understanding why things are so hard with us and our insecurities. As fast as everything has come it has all felt right up until this point. But now i feel she isnt as ready as i am. I am willing to wait on her as i have told her, but i guess what i am trying to say is it normal for early couples with an AS partner to go through things like this. I try really hard and still say innapropriate things to her and do everything in my power to make her as happy as possible. I am set to get my diagnosis in May so i hope for her to gain a better understanding through this as well as myself.

I am considering counseling as well about this matter becuause my heart as well as brain hurts from my obsession of her. I sometimes rationalize that i am having an NT game played, yet my heart knows what we share is real. Although no one has ever made me feel so many things at once I am trying to figure out what steps are possible to control my passive agressive nature while being honest to my condition and self. Does anyone out there have any advice. ..........

Hi, Biz.

I think that something to keep in mind is that what you're experiencing, is something all couple go through. It's likely that you're over-reacting a bit, possibly due to your aspie stuff.

However, the answer is the same AS or no AS: Take some deep breaths. Get a good night's sleep. Relax. Then see your gf. Give her a big hug. Tell her you love her. Then ask her if the two of you can talk about each of your fears and anxieties. Let her know what got you worried about that conversation. Let her know what was going through your mind. Ask her what her fears are and what's been going through her mind. Tell her that the last thing you mean to do is upset her or pen her in or make her feel worried in any way. Just let her know you care.

Chances are you are both worrying about worrying. and worrying about blowing the relationship. Remember, when she told you she wasn't sure about your commitment, she might have meant that she is AFRAID that's true, not that it is. Feelings aren't always about the evidence in front of us. Fears/concerns are often tied to our own insecurities -- which are often somewhat if not completely irrational. Fears are not usually about the other person. So what she said might have been about her trying to share her fears, not play some NT game.

If you both address it openly and promise not to freak out, you'll get to the next level. By being calm and encouraging with her about the whole thing, you'll demonstrate even more than ever, that you are a young man to be trusted -- one who is mature enough to go the distance.

What you're going through is common in relationships that are deepening.

Hang in there, biz.

DD

bizmack,

Dogdancer is right. And, I hate to say it, it sounds like YOU might not be ready. If you fly right off the handle, there is a fairly good chance, she may get tired and leave. You ALREADY got a little taste of that when she said you should talk later. And she IS right about the kids. I wish I had the luck you had. It would have KILLED me to wait, but I would have been patient. Women DO take risks. Sometimes I wonder why they so freely take them. Still, talk like what you presented, and failed relationships can make them gun shy!

You ARE right! It is an NT game. Sadly, you may have ALREADY lost. The ONLY way to know if you have or not, is to approach it gently, curteously, and PATIENTLY, and hopefully get married. If, after that, you can go perhaps 3 years without her bringing this up in a bad way, you can be reasonably sure you won. If you don't achieve that. EVEN if she quietly divorces you, you may NEVER know if this played a part.

BTW a diagnosis could even conceivably scare her, or make no difference at all. Don't assume it will help you here AT ALL.

Normally I don't give courting advice, but this hits on logic, things I have heard of, and basic relationship things I have learned. I have ACTUALLY been involved in cases where a minor incident done by someone in a situation was applied to me and magnified and brought up even a DECADE later! One women told others I was a jerk YEARS later and I found it was because I didn't let her eat fries from my plate, and I OFFERED to buy her her own. We were not related, or going out, and I didn't even like her. I was plenty nice to her, yet SHE called ME a jerk!

In short, I think everything I have said here is good advice.

Steve