is body language enough to make people hate you?

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BeaArthur
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14 Nov 2015, 10:42 am

B19 wrote:
I never really understood that power of a smile until I saw a man who had not a lot going for him physically or in the handsome stakes suddenly dazzle with a smile that irradiated the whole room, and suddenly I understood that he was the most vibrant and interesting man there; and he was..

I had a similar experience regarding the power of a smile. Once while I was at university I had to go to the hospital for a (sorry, disgust alert) barium enema, a diagnostic procedure I hope never to have again. It was painful and humiliating, and the staff did nothing to offer any comfort. Afterwards I crossed paths with a professor of mine in a hallway of the hospital, who said good morning and asked how I was with the hugest, most genuine smile ... it made ALL the difference. That one moment was transformative to me, and I came to realize that never mind my internal state, I could make ALL the difference to another person just as simply as by smiling at them.

One of my job duties is to meet people in the lobby of my office, find out what they need and route them accordingly. I put on a warm smile every time and greet them as pleasantly as I can, because whether they are there for an appointment, a job interview, or just making a delivery, they should feel welcomed. It's not a fake smile, it's a welcoming smile, because I can empathize with arriving at a location and feeling unwelcome.


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olympiadis
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14 Nov 2015, 5:16 pm

LupaLuna wrote:
I've always wondered how important putting a smile on your face is. No matter how hard I try. I could never put a fake smile on my face. Anybody who looks at me will tell me that it looks fake. Besides, trying to do it just feel dirty and wrong. If I'm gonna put a real smile on my face. I need to be feeling real joy or happiness in my heart. Otherwise, Never gonna happen.



+1

Most people make me feel ill, smile or no smile.
It's what's going on in their heads that matters, not their fake projections of fantasy.
If people are too superficial to see beyond appearance and fakery, then they are welcome to leave me alone.

"Charisma" has the opposite effect on me. I find it fake and repulsive.



ResilientBrilliance
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14 Nov 2015, 7:15 pm

Yes, definitely.
It's also enough to make people think YOU hate THEM. I have been told this twice. Once by someone I'd consider an acquaintance and once by a front desk who I only saw a handful of times. They said:
"I know you hate people."
"I know you hate being around people."
I had never made ant statements about people whatsoever let alone hating them. That means the only thing they could've assumed I hate people is from my body language and/or facial expression. They are so bold and confident with it too. I assure you I never said anything about people, it's something they made up in their minds and were bold enough to state as fact. I certainly don't like being around people because they make me tired and anxious. I would never have used the word hate. At least not back then.



ResilientBrilliance
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14 Nov 2015, 7:20 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
B19 wrote:
I never really understood that power of a smile until I saw a man who had not a lot going for him physically or in the handsome stakes suddenly dazzle with a smile that irradiated the whole room, and suddenly I understood that he was the most vibrant and interesting man there; and he was..

I had a similar experience regarding the power of a smile. Once while I was at university I had to go to the hospital for a (sorry, disgust alert) barium enema, a diagnostic procedure I hope never to have again. It was painful and humiliating, and the staff did nothing to offer any comfort. Afterwards I crossed paths with a professor of mine in a hallway of the hospital, who said good morning and asked how I was with the hugest, most genuine smile ... it made ALL the difference. That one moment was transformative to me, and I came to realize that never mind my internal state, I could make ALL the difference to another person just as simply as by smiling at them.

One of my job duties is to meet people in the lobby of my office, find out what they need and route them accordingly. I put on a warm smile every time and greet them as pleasantly as I can, because whether they are there for an appointment, a job interview, or just making a delivery, they should feel welcomed. It's not a fake smile, it's a welcoming smile, because I can empathize with arriving at a location and feeling unwelcome.

I don't think that works on me. Well, when babies smile, I tend to smile too or laugh. But if a grown man smiles at me it has no effect. :? I know I'm in the extreme minority of course.



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14 Nov 2015, 7:25 pm

Some anthropologists are strongly of the view that humans developed smiling to signal non-hostility. And possibly many people do (wrongly) attribute hostility to the non-smiling others that they encounter, because of this 'signalling failure'.

Maybe I am unusual in having been able to teach myself to smile. I regard it as a learned skill, just as learning to drive was a learned skill. Initially driving felt unnatural, frightening, dangerous, and I couldn't possibly self-identify at that point as a "driver". In the learning stage I was most definitely a non-driver who was consciously practicing actions that might result in me becoming capable of a new behaviour. That process worked for me, it may not work for others who say that smiling is too unnatural for them to even be able to do; I don't know what would cause that total inability to smile in any circumstance nor what would remedy it (if anything).



olympiadis
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14 Nov 2015, 7:38 pm

I think smiling is a way people use to disguise their hostility and bad intentions.
Don't trust it.



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14 Nov 2015, 7:50 pm

B19 wrote:
Some anthropologists are strongly of the view that humans developed smiling to signal non-hostility. And possibly many people do (wrongly) attribute hostility to the non-smiling others that they encounter, because of this 'signalling failure'.

Maybe I am unusual in having been able to teach myself to smile. I regard it as a learned skill, just as learning to drive was a learned skill. Initially driving felt unnatural, frightening, dangerous, and I couldn't possibly self-identify at that point as a "driver". In the learning stage I was most definitely a non-driver who was consciously practicing actions that might result in me becoming capable of a new behaviour. That process worked for me, it may not work for others who say that smiling is too unnatural for them to even be able to do; I don't know what would cause that total inability to smile in any circumstance nor what would remedy it (if anything).


That makes sense. I think people smile and make small talk to signal "I am not a threat". Kinda silly since I'm sure serial killers smile all the time and make small talk lol.
I used to think smiling, frowning, etc were the results of how someone was feeling. I never thought of them as a signal to others. Maybe it's both., I don't know.



olympiadis
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14 Nov 2015, 8:46 pm

ResilientBrilliance wrote:
B19 wrote:
Some anthropologists are strongly of the view that humans developed smiling to signal non-hostility. And possibly many people do (wrongly) attribute hostility to the non-smiling others that they encounter, because of this 'signalling failure'.

Maybe I am unusual in having been able to teach myself to smile. I regard it as a learned skill, just as learning to drive was a learned skill. Initially driving felt unnatural, frightening, dangerous, and I couldn't possibly self-identify at that point as a "driver". In the learning stage I was most definitely a non-driver who was consciously practicing actions that might result in me becoming capable of a new behaviour. That process worked for me, it may not work for others who say that smiling is too unnatural for them to even be able to do; I don't know what would cause that total inability to smile in any circumstance nor what would remedy it (if anything).


That makes sense. I think people smile and make small talk to signal "I am not a threat". Kinda silly since I'm sure serial killers smile all the time and make small talk lol.
I used to think smiling, frowning, etc were the results of how someone was feeling. I never thought of them as a signal to others. Maybe it's both., I don't know.



Yes, psychopaths do it. They are actors.



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15 Nov 2015, 12:57 am

People usually decide within the first 10-15 minutes if they are going to like you or not, and if not they won't bother with you anymore.

Yes, it's body language and it's also not what you say, but how you say it, which I can never get.



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15 Nov 2015, 1:24 am

I am quite smiley.
I sometimes walk around with a smile on my face.


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15 Nov 2015, 5:49 am

After many long years, I discovered something. Being angry is no fun. So, I developed coping mechanisms to hide it from the world. One technique is to be sincere. Give people an honest compliment. Finding something that makes me smile and then using it. Change happens only when I have to courage to try and fail. The world is less scary when I wear a smile.

The Japanese have a saying, "A nail that sticks out gets hammered down." I am that nail and I try to avoid that hammer. Learning how to smile and make small talk helps.

Yes, I am lying to the world. But, no one cares.


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olympiadis
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15 Nov 2015, 11:11 am

SoMissunderstood wrote:
People usually decide within the first 10-15 minutes if they are going to like you or not, and if not they won't bother with you anymore.

Yes, it's body language and it's also not what you say, but how you say it, which I can never get.



Yeah, people usually love psychopaths from the start.



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15 Nov 2015, 11:34 am

hollowmoon wrote:
I noticed that people always seem to hate me, even when I'm not talking. Is body language enough to make people hate you?

People have hated me for it. It's really discouraging because people have told me that other people said that I disrespected them and treated them badly. Problem is, I have no idea who the people were or what I possibly did and no one will tell me specifics. All they said is, "Your body language, your behavior" but they refuse to say anything more specific than that. I have no idea what happened, or when or how or why or to whom. But I know that those people who accused me of whatever the are accusing me of, I have no idea what it even is, hate me. And I have other people in my life throughout my life who have hated me because of whatever whatever body language I am showing. Problem is that whatever body language they think I am doing to them, they are usually wrong and not only am I not doing whatever they think I am doing, I am usually not even aware that I am doing anything and I am usually not even aware that they are even being affected since I am not doing anything deliberately to them.

Sometimes I am just exhausted or sensory overwhelmed or my body hurts and so I am trying to find a comfortable position to stand or sit. Or my face is blank because I am overstimulated. I remember one time I was exhausted and overstimulated and we were in a group discussion. I went into a shutdown just from social exhaustion without even realizing I had shut down. One of the girls in the group asked, "what's wrong with her?" yeah not to me but to everyone else while I was sitting right there, and my husband said. "oh she's mad." That was before I knew I was Autistic and did not understand my shutdowns. At that point everyone just took it that I was mad at "whatever" and that was that.


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15 Nov 2015, 11:40 am

I was watching this documentary about Asperger's. There was a person who felt comfortable sitting with their arms crossed, he had an autism spectrum disorder. For years he wondered why people never initiated a conversation with him, while reading a book on body language he realized that crossing one's arms is a sign that you are distancing yourself, or "closing yourself off". Then he realized why people didn't start conversations with him.


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olympiadis
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15 Nov 2015, 5:02 pm

skibum wrote:
hollowmoon wrote:
Problem is that whatever body language they think I am doing to them, they are usually wrong and not only am I not doing whatever they think I am doing, I am usually not even aware that I am doing anything and I am usually not even aware that they are even being affected since I am not doing anything deliberately to them.


Yes. That.



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16 Nov 2015, 5:49 am

Not only body language, but what you say, your tone of voice and the general vibe you emit. Spectrumites can be detected easily. I've noticed an autistic guy at my university, and I knew about his condition from the moment I first saw him.


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