NT/ND people over-reacting

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Hello.
I happened to come across many different posts on tumblr some written by autistics, and some not. Most the people that i saw were complaining about something. The one that really caught my eye was a mom who had an autistic daughter that was angry (or upset) about her daughter having received a "valentines day card" (everyone had to say something nice about everyone in the class and write it down on notes and give it to them). The "infuriating" thing was that a child in the daughters class (presumably 7 years old) had given the daughter a card saying : "You are really good with your iPad and you are almost just like us". The mother went berserk and was very upset.
I dont agree with the mothers reaction because
1. It was written by a 7 year old
2. 7 year olds are nice and mean well
3. Her daughter is not stupid and knows that she is different, and saying that she is not "so" different can be something she needs to hear
4. It was not offensive.

What do you think? Was the mother right to be so angry at someone who only meant well? Yes or No?

I think she over-reacted.

I think the mother over-reacted.

However, I also think this is not a good project for students of any age. Not all 7yr old kids are nice. Many are already mean. But, at the very least, they are still unpredictable and not good at expressing themselves. Kds who are bent on being mean could take advantage of this opportunity to trash another kid.

The teacher should have never done this project, unless the teacher planned to check and edit every thing each kid wrote to another student. To pass them out un-checked and un-edited is irresponsible.

Perhaps the teacher *did* check and thought that this wording was acceptable. In that case, I'd tell the teacher to re-think that. It is not that the kid said anything wrong. She didn't. But it is not exactly esteem-boosting either. "You are really good at your Ipad" is enough, whatever that means.

Especially at that age, kids still innocently say things that are not nice. What if another kid had written to someone "You don't smell bad today."

Part of a teacher's responsibility is to think through a lesson and anticipate problems that may arise. The teacher didn't think this through thoroughly.

Yep....I agree with Nerdygirl on this. Should have said it myself

Tumblr is full of a lot of stuff that seems overdone or just plain fake when it comes to autism.

For the brief time that I was in school, I went to school with a kid who I now understand must have been autistic. There was also a kid with a webbed hand in that class and a biracial girl. This was...1983, so biracial people were uncommon. I remember the teacher forced us to give the autistic kid Valentine's cards. He never spoke to us and we thought he was ret*d, although the teacher told us he wasn't and he did belong in our grade.

I guess back then we wouldn't have had an explanation of autism or instructions on how to interact with him, but if we had I think we would have been relieved. No one would have thought he was "normal" but several of the kids in class weren't normal and were accepted. And several of us who were normal had known problems. Kids aren't sugar plum fairies. They're people like everyone else. There were already kids in there who didn't like playing in certain ways and we left them alone, or who were good at one or two things only so we only did those things with them. The webbed hand kid liked to color and was left handed so I shared coloring books with him a lot. I think it would have been like that if we had been told how to interact with the autistic kid.

So no, I don't think there's anything wrong with the Valentine. The mom needs to get over her kid not been normal. She'll be glad for that when her kid doesn't something great later on that a normal person wouldn't be able to do.

I don't think points 2 and 4 are necessarily true. There are 7 year olds who are anything but nice; based on the information, however, I can't say if this particular 7 year old thought they were being nice or not. As for point 4, I think it is offensive but in the way that even well-meaning words can be offensive when filtered through an ableist worldview. The child probably doesn't know any better, and the parents aren't teaching social justice at home. For someone who wants their child to feel like they "belong" and are the same as everyone else (never mind if this is desirable to anyone else), it must be frustrating...

As for the mother being angry, it is her right to be angry at whatever she wants. Is it productive? I don't know; doesn't it depend on what she wants from her anger? Maybe she thought that the parents of the child should have taught them to be fully accepting?

My view is: if people don't mean offense, you should give them the benefit of the doubt, even if the person offended you in some way.

Educate them; don't be mad at them. Otherwise, you've lost a supporter for your cause.

It sounds to me like the little kid was trying to make the other one feel better about being different. The child with autism probably really stands out in class, and is seen as obviously different to the other kids.

The child seemed to be saying "You really aren't as different from us as you seem to be," or "We're more alike than it appears at first glance." But a little kid doesn't really have the capacity to properly articulate those feelings.

I think it's a huge overreaction on the parent's part.

I don't think there's such a thing as over-reacting, but I think the kid was just trying to be nice.

I don't agree with 7-year-olds being nice and meaning well. Children can be extremely cruel. They *are* extremely cruel. They don't even start to develop a conscience until they're around 5. I'm surprised it's that young.

But I do think the mom was overreacting. There are a lot of helicopter parents out there.

Honestly, I have trouble seeing from the text alone whether it was meant offensive or not, and since I don't know the kid that wrote it or the daughter that received it, I don't really think I'm in a position to judge.

I also agree that 7 years old are not always nice and mean well. And I think the task of "write something nice" can lead to very indirect offenses. 7 year olds are not stupid to write "you suck" on a card that could be shown to a teacher and traced back to them. Personally I think "you are good with your iphone" can be both, a compliment but I'd also understand people that say it sounds kind of forced compared to "you are a good person", trying to avoid a direct compliment so to say. I think the second sentence depends on how you read it as well (again, I'm not good at these things). Not every kid enjoys being reminded of being just "almost" like other children, but it could indeed also be read as a compliment.

Again, I really think only the girl that received the note should judge on whether this offends her or not, not her mother and not us either.

If an adult said that I would be suspicious that it was a left handed compliment. But that level of metaphor is probably beyond most 7 year olds so I will assume it was meant as a real compliment unless the tone of voice was sarcastic.

Never mind if the mom over-reacted or was wrong. The better question is, how could the mom have better handled this incident to make it a teachable moment to her autistic child?

- pick out the complimentary part and say isn't that nice, or, how does that feel to you?
- look at the part "almost like us" and ask her child what she thinks that means - and how does it feel to you.
- ask if this valentine made the child happy or sad
- ask what kind of message the autistic child would write back to the sender

and so on.

It really doesn't matter what mom thinks or feels in this situation (unless she's reliving 2nd grade again through her child - an unflattering thought). It matters what construction the child puts on it. If the mom is in fact contributing to the sense of outsiderness, then really mom is the aggressor here, not the other child who sent this valentine.

I think the mom over reacted, I don't see what was so wrong with that comment. I thought it was so sweet. Kids are normally mean but that was a great comment. But as an adult being great with your ipad is nothing and being almost like them, I am not sure what that is supposed to mean (is the person close to normal or do they look normal but they are different?) but for a seven year old is no big deal. Kids say the darnest things.

I'm with the mom, actually. I didn't see the post in question, but from from the OP, it sounds like all she did was write a grouchy tumblr post, and maaaayyyybe complained to the teacher (or other school staff if the teacher blew her off)? At what point do we just call all disagreements "overreacting"? If it turns out went on a verbally abusive in-person rampage or she sued somebody, I'll call that overreacting. Writing a grouchy tumblr post is generally one of the most inconsequential reactions you can possibly have, second only to "thinking grouchy thoughts."

If the cards were supposed to say something nice, "you're almost like us" is not an appropriate thing to put on there.

I disagree that it was not offensive. The kid who wrote that surely meant well. So? Good intentions do not magically make all behavior the right choice. It's not like someone is incapable of bad decisions just because they aren't some incarnation of evil. This is the equivalent of adults saying "you don't look autistic" or "you're pretty smart, for a girl" or "you're not like other black people" like it's a compliment. Don't do it.

Just because the daughter knows she's different is no reason that she's somehow immune to offense regarding it.

I don't expect the little kid to know any better, but the teacher should have pulled that one.