I have a husband with asperger's and need Advice

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Hi, my name is Linnae and I am new here. It is not because I have Aspergers, but my husband. I need your advice and support. Here is a short story of what it is I am dealing with.

My husband and I met in the USA. I am an American. My husband is German. He worked in the US for a year and we got married there and had a son. It was hard for my husband to find friends in the US and he was a little "socially awkward." I had just figured it was the fact that he was German and in the USA. Then my husband's job took us back to Germany. I thought that things would get better for him and it didn't. We moved out of his mother's house, where he had lived with his parents and two socially adebt brothers. After the move, his 'friends'...well...dumped him. It turned out that he only got invited to things because his brothers were invited and he tagged along. It was a perk of living with his two social younger brothers. (Both are in their 20s) People did make fun of him and always made side remarks like "...and then there is Michael...I guess he should come too." They acted like he was ret*d and nobody wanted to get 'stuck' with him. He is NOT ret*d. He is VERY kind. He is VERY clever in things that he is interrested and focused on. He is only socially awkward, and at loss for the more advanced social skills. I finally decided to have him tested and he turned out to have Aserger's. He had this problem all of his life and went through it undiagnosed and alone. His family is in denial, primarily his mother, since she "doesn't have imperfect offspring. That is for other people." So sadly, they are no suport.

? Problem number one is how do we find couples who want to be my AND Michael's friend. He had a birthday this month and I could not get anyone to attend the party. It is really hurting Michael because every social attempt that he makes ends up in rejection.

? Problem two is I need some help understanding more about people with Asperger's so I can be more understanding and supportive to Michael.

? Problem three is, Michael would like to improve his sitiation a bit by learning social skills to overcome the akward bits, but how? Since he wasn't diagnosed until he was 30, he lost that 'window' he had as a young child. I have never heard of a social skills trainer-facillitator-mentor. We don't know where to even look.

I hope that you all can offer me your helpful knowledge and advice. Thanks!

I'm no expert... But I am a diagnosed Aspie.


1.

In terms of friends, it may help to start by finding people with shared interests. Aspies are idea people. That isn't to say that Aspies are always the best people suited for eachother but I'd say your husband's best shot at friends would be people who either value his ideas/interests specifically or people who simply value discussion of novel ideas/developments/trivia.

You might find some kindred souls in law or academia if no one shares your husband's interests specifically. If he has areas of special interest, he probably needs the companionship of people who value that, as an idea, even if they do not share his interests.

I am fortunate to have a fairly supportive circle of friends and it helps because they are people who are willing to endure my knowledge of trivia and small observations in exchange for the ability to share their own and I think my own circle of friends collectively values eachother based upon the blanket of acceptance that we provide for eachother.

2.

I suggest books by Tony Attwood. There is a lot of writing on couples with Asperger's by people with a vendetta against a past AS partner. Attwood seems to treat the differences with compassion and intelligence. Some of his writing is designed to illustrate to the Aspie to the thought processes of a neurotypical and vice versa.

My parents, upon reading Attwood, started asking me questions that no one ever had about my own thought process and intentions and explaining the way that other people behave in ways that I found productive. There were behaviors and assumptions made on both sides that some education helped clear up.

Of course, you are in an AS forum so that should help.

3.

I would suggest that the first two questions will help Michael a great deal. If he's like me, he probably says and does things that are misinterpreted without his knowledge

Practice seems to be crucial.

Now, keep in mind, I do not favor a "cure" nor do I see AS as a disease or a defect. I probably err on the side of seeing it as something of a benefit or a superpower. Imagine if you had giant wings growing on your back that allowed you to fly. But you had trouble walking through some doors. Now, is that really a defect?

However...

Having Asperger's syndrome is like belonging to a minority ethnic group. The very name of this site refers to the feeling of being on the wrong planet.

So, I would advocate learning some techniques such as eye contact, gestures and stances.

Have you considered dance or yoga? I doubt your husband will become Fred Astaire overnight if he has coordination issues. He may even be fed a lot of talk about how he's stuck in the 6th and 7th chakras or something.

But I think a part of blending into a foreign culture is to learn and attempt to observe the customs.

To that end, I would advise that you and your husband actively learn where he has trouble communicating and develop strategies for that. And it would be beneficial, IMO, if he can be persuaded to learn some dance or yoga or acting or performance based techniques (even through books or tapes at home) because the kinds of awareness these things focus on are the kinds of things that will allow him to communicate effectively.

He sounds like a kind and sincere individual and I think that one hurdle for people with AS is that we sometimes have to fake the act of expressing our sincerity, kindness and senses of humor in order for other people to recognize them.

It's not lying but it's the act of treating culture and custom as a learned behavior to insure that you are understood, no different than if you were an American who moved to India on business.

Here's a thread about AS-linked relationships which mentions a good book about it:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... ic&t=29978

I like this. Dance helped me a lot socially, even within a very short time-span. I started in middle school, and it simple taught me how to hold myself more naturally. It was esp helpful in awkward settings, because even if I felt uncomfortable, I could at least look like I was comfortable.

Also, once I got to college, I started swing dancing. This is really great (for me), because there are social interactions, but everyone has the same basic interest (dance), so it's easy to have conversations. Also, I always feel most comfortable in social settings if i know what I'm supposed to be doing...and with social dance...i'm supposed to be dancing!

I don't know if your husband would be at all intersted in dance, but it could be something you two do together. You might be able to make mutual friends that way.

I agree with SeriousGirl. You need to get the book on Asperger's and Long Term Relationships. Most of the books are negative and that one is not.


Friends - my friends are intellectuals and eccentrics. What interests do the two of you have in common? If you want friends in common, you need to start there. Go to places where those interests are shared with people and look for the intellectuals and eccentrics in that group. They are more tolerant and will discuss ideas rather than themselves. If you need friends you can talk with about more personal things, my advice is for you to go get them outside you two. This is what my husband and I have had to do. He has two sets of friends (couples) that I can be around (he met them when he worked with them), but it is strained and the wives do not like me, they tolerate me. They are very normal NT women and we just have nothing in common and they think I'm strange. So, best if you have these kinds of friends, that you keep them separate. Just let him do his own thing when you see them. That's what we do. We socialize together with the other crowd. My husband is very intellectual and has many of my interests, so that is how we found our way around that problem. Another place to meet those people is in a university.


I agree with dance, yoga and you can throw in martial arts. Anything that teaches mind and body control is good for us.

Buy yourself a good, old fashioned school book on deportment and teach him. Most of the older crowd were taught this in school and benefited from it. It teaches things by rote. Stick to it. We learn those things by rote because they are not natural for us. If you can and can afford it, get yourself a person who teaches this to youngsters to come in and tutor him. Otherwise, take the things they use to teach kids and teach him on your own. He may learn at varied degrees of success. I've had all kinds of training and still can't read people eyes and none but the most blatant facial expressions. When he tells you he sees nothing, point out physical difference and be specific. He will probably pick up nothing by intuition so be very descriptive and specific.

Make up simple signs that you can use when you socialize together. For instance, take his hand and push gently on different knuckles to mean different things. Index knuckle for rambling on too long about an interest, let's say. You two can make up all kinds of these. Keep them to yourself. This is a couple thing and you will lose his trust if you share it.

Between the two of you, here's the deal: Stay calm, talk about everything in very blatant terms and assume nothing. Read the posts on here in Love and Dating and Married Aspies under the heading Getting to Know You. We talk about things that work and problems we have. Other NTs have come this way as you have. Their questions and our answers will help you both.

Most of all know that it is not hopeless. You are going to see many negative things in different places on the web and in books. However, many of us have had long and successful marriages. It's like any marriage, if you want to be successful, hang with successful couples. Concentrate on the good and work on the bad. Always be a friend first because friends stick together through thick and thin. Think of yourselves as family because family doesn't walk away even when the going gets really tough (and it will from time to time in any marriage).

And when it comes to people like you've described, close ranks against them. They need to see that the two of you are loyal to your marriage. Closing ranks closes out that negativity. That's going to free the two of you up to work on this and get strong. Good luck.

Hi Linnae,

Our (my wife's and my) situation is slightly similar to yours. I'm an Aspie, she is not, and I did not find out about my Aspieness until well into my 30's. She's American and I'm Dutch. But unlike you, we live in America. A couple of remarks:

(1) It is very important that not only you but also Michael acquire an accurate understanding of AS. The better it is understood, the more it becomes an asset instead of a handicap. Several of your husband's talents that you talked about are there because he's an Aspie, not in spite of it. The better you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, the better you know what to focus on, what to do and what not to do, which situations to seek and which to avoid.
In order to acquire that understanding, it is a good idea to do these three things: (A) Michael should regularly (say, once a month) see a psychologist who has specialized knowledge of AS. On occasion you should accompany him, so you can ask questions. (B) Both of you should do research on the internet; there's an abundance of websites on AS, which, in concert with each other, provide a fairly detailed picture of what AS is. (C) Michael should spend time thinking about what he's learning about AS, and talk about it with you.

(2) With regard to social situations, it is a good idea to investigate to which extent Michael has any actual needs. That is, does he have many such needs or does he think he "should" have them, because society's standard is that one's life is not complete unless one has a complex social network? I have found that while I have only limited social skills, I also have only limited social needs, so it's not an actual problem except in situations where people think I'm like them, i.e. social, and approach me as such. Maybe it's the same for Michael but he hasn't thought this through yet?
Meanwhile, of course YOU are not an Aspie. You sound like you have a very loving heart, very focused on your husband's well-being. Don't forget yourself though, you probably do have significant social needs and both you and Michael should see to it that those are catered to, that his need for peace & quiet does not isolate you from people.

(3) It works very well for my wife and me to think of us as a team. Her and my skills in life are completely different, and thus complement each other. For any situation that arises, chances are that at least one of us knows how to deal with it, and that's enough. This might very well also be the case for you and Michael.

(4) In social situations, it is very helpful to me to be a foreigner. AS/autism is very poorly understood by most people, because they don't have any experience with it (in themselves or in others that are close to them). But people do know, understand and generally accept that a foreigner might not follow their unwritten social rules, i.e. might display "weird behavior". This makes things a lot easier for me, that people accept "weird things" from me because they attribute them to my being a foreigner (which they can hear because of my accent).
So it might be a good idea for you and your husband to move to America, for both your and his sake. He would have the advantage of being a foreigner, and you would have an easier time finding the social contacts that you need (quite possibly you already have family and at least some friends here).

Linnae,

I totally agree with Willem. It may be that your husband doesn't actually have any serious problems, it sounds more like he sees what everybody else has, and feels "behind" everyone else, like he's missing out on something. He thinks he is sticking out like a sore thumb, and wants to feel normal. He should definitely be assured that despite how he feels about his own social awkwardness, he is normal, and that you love him for who he is.

The foreigner comment is spot on. It might not be necessary to move to the United States, and perhaps in a way it might be easier and more productive simply to do extensive travelling within your own area. Continental Europe is not as integrated culturally and socially as the United States is (from my own travels in Europe and what my European friends studying in the US say), so you only need to take a train to France or Italy or Denmark or somewhere else. The advantage of doing this is that both you and your husband would be put in the same position, as tourists and foreigners and "outsiders." That way, any difficulties he may have in the new environment will be shared between the two of you, as opposed to being in the United States where potentially you are in a stronger position (since you're from the US) and he is the only outsider. If you two are able to share the same feelings of being fish out of water, he will feel more comfortable and satisfied with himself knowing that his perceived difficulties are not just because of him, but instead believe that it's actually normal to feel that way. It will be much easier for him if he is enough of an outsider that people don't expect him to follow the local customs, and yet still have enough in common with somebody else with whom he can make a connection. At the same time, you'd still be able to interact with people and socialize and make friends in different countries, i.e. get the social stimulation you need. As long as both you and your husband are able to keep an open mind wherever you go, you'll both find the experience very rewarding!

This has to be one of the fundamental reasons I love travelling all over the world, because it gives me the opportunity as an Aspie to see and interact with people very different from myself, to come to understand why people act the way they do... without any of the expectations and requirements that if I don't follow the customs to a T, then I'd be some terrible person. "Tourist" gives me an excuse to be my normal self, and still get along with everybody else, plus it's a ton of fun and extraordinarily enlightening.

Hi,

Welcome to WP. I want to commend you for joining and trying to learn more about your husband's condition. I think he is very lucky to have such an understanding wife. Besides joining social groups with similar interests I would suggest finding your local Autism society and attending meetings. You can meet some other autistics which may help him to forge friendships and also be around NT's that understand. Plus you can get to know other NT's that have to deal with AS people so it could be of help to you as well.

I wonder though does your husband really want friends? I mean has he expressed this to you? Many Aspies could care less whether they have a social network and people to hang out with. Can you get him to join WP himself and start making online friends? It will also give him practice in socializing and discussion that he can transfer over to the real world.

I find it very peculiar there are so many AS people of German descent. We found in our adult Aspergers group that 5 out of the 6 members said they were of German descent. The other person didn't know his ancestory. Seems suspious doesn't it?

No one has mentioned: bring him here tp WP, LINNAE. He'll be pleased to meet many more aspies. A good net friendship or two can really ease things considerably.

Other ways to learn social skills: drama clubs, public speaking organizations like toastmasters.. volunteer work with people with physical/motor disabilities will teach him confidence, while negating the need for functional body language. As well, older people tend to be more accepting, so working with senior citizens could be spiritually and mentally rewarding.

Ticker, I have it and of German descent. In fact I'm from a certain group of Germans who were very isolated. I wonder how many of them have presented since the gene pool would have been more restrictive.

I said myself a few times here that I am of german descent also. I don't know if such a conclusion is significant though. A LOT of people in the US were of German descent. TODAY, if you look only at caucasion people(apparently most autistics are caucasion) the rate is even higher. Even English has been traced to old german and danish!

That IS funny though, a while ago people were linking it to jewish people. Then again, a lot of Jewish people probably have some german heritage, whether they want to admit it or not, and Yiddish DOES have a lot of words that can be traced to German.(en bissel sounds a LOT like ein bischen, for example oy veh sounds like oh weh) So WHO KNOWS..... For the record though, I don't know of any jewish people in my family and my german great grandparents came here before WWII.

Steve

Linnae
Good for you for posting; I think you have taken a great and loving step to make both your lives better. My wife has been great with me, and we're moving into better and better places, so let me encourage you to think positive!
My suggestions are
1. Cassandra thinking being led by Maxine Aston at www.maxineaston.co.uk - she can give you telephone counselling; we talked to her for an hour and found it very useful.
2. For Michael, I have been right where he is on wanting to improve social skills. The thesis I am working to is here - http://unlearningasperger.blogspot.com - and I am very encouraged.
Very best wishes in all you do
JC

I'm assuming that your husband and you share some interests.
Try to find a group which is centered about one of his fixations.

Your husband met, dated and married you; that would put him on the high end of social achievement for Aspies. For many Aspies, social contact is almost not required at all for happiness. I only found out about Asperger’s Syndrome when I was 30. Prior to learning about AS, I quite literally forced myself to engage in social activities to learn how to be ‘normal’. Even when I succeeded, social activities were a great source of frustration and pain. Doing something that I did not have a natural inclination for was not just exhausting, it actually made me very unhappy. So when you say that it is really hurting, do you understand why? Does Michael really want a birthday party? I know I would not. For myself, I have decided that I do not want to engage socially at all and go to great lengths to avoid any form of social contact. Doing so has given me the one thing I want – peace.

There is no way to learn one’s way out of autism. It is a bit like being blind. A blind man can learn to move around with a cane, but it will not change the fact that he is blind and his interactions in this world are forever constrained by his blindness. Beyond the poor social skills, there are other problems associated with AS that does not get quite as much press. The running mind problem, melt-downs and even autistic rage are all issues that crop up with varying severity. The first two problems indicate a certain mis-wiring of the mind. The third issue is somewhat related to the first two as the worst scenes of one’s life gets played back over and over again to drive the Aspie to the point of desperation and extreme sensitivity to stimuli triggers a rage reaction. If you observe autistic children (Kanner’s Type) you will get a sense of what autistic rage is.

The literature on AS is voluminous but largely useless. As you navigate your way around the AS world, you will find that an entire industry has sprung up to profit from parents and partners who want to find a cure to autism. Writing bad books using popular psychology as a means to palliate an audience desperate for anything is certainly one way to cash in. And the number of psychologists and other health professionals who now specialize in autism is quiet staggering. The reason for all this attention is because AS tends to be an upper middle class condition. This is not to say that all Aspies are well to do, but enough are to make it a lucrative market to tap. Talking to other Aspies on this message board is not only free, it will probably enlighten both you and your husband about this condition more than any professional might. If the diagnosis is right, your husband is probably the sort of person who needs to understand this condition on his own terms. Give it time and give him space; there is a long road ahead, no need to rush.

I completely agree that you want to talk to him about socializing and birthdays. Be very careful that you aren't projecting what you think he needs onto him. He may need it. There are Aspies who crave social interaction and friends. There are also Aspies who get nothing from it at all except exhausted and unhappy. Some like me enjoy their friends but constantly have to pull back when it starts to get too much. When you present that, do it in a non-emotional, non-threatening way. Just let him know you learned of this and you want to know what it is he really wants. Tell him that no matter his answer, it's okay, you two will figure it out. That's the one phrase my husband always told me. "It's going to be all right. We'll figure it out." Just because he said that and meant it, I eventually got to the point where I could tell him anything without fear. But, you need to say it and mean it. There are ways to work around everything so you both get what you need, but you have to believe that and work toward it.