Anyone else have problems letting go of arguments?

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Bloodheart
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11 Aug 2013, 11:14 pm

I get into arguments and can't let it go, even if I can avoid continuing an argument I still can't help but want to know what else is said, I get so wound-up it sends my anxiety sky-high and I can't calm myself down. I get so wound-up at other people's stupidity and ignorance, that you can state a fact plus back it up with a thousand sources and yet still people will argue it's not true...and resort to insults. I think this is partly why I don't like to post things online, worry about criticism or starting arguments.

I don't get into as many arguments IRL, although I know from experience I'm not too different IRL when it comes to arguments...and for the record I do know how pathetic it is to get caught-up in arguments online but sometimes it can't be helped. It used to be that my ex had to block me from forums as I'd get so wound-up by stupid arguments online that I'd make myself physically ill.


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cathylynn
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11 Aug 2013, 11:48 pm

I've had trouble going to sleep after an internet exchange. I have never handled conflict well, yet I get involved when my ideals are challenged if I think there's a chance of making a good point. I distract myself with music, kind of mentally change the subject, to get past it. i'm always over it by the time i wake in the morning. I still don't like the person who agued with me, but I can be civil.



League_Girl
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11 Aug 2013, 11:56 pm

I used to have this problem but I realize you can't really argue with idiots and if people are twisting what you are saying, you aren't getting anywhere and you're arguing with stupid. It's just a waste of your time. Also when you're going around in circles, it's a waste of time to keep arguing with them because you have already said what you wanted to say and repeating yourself isn't going to make them change their minds.

Plus when I would get into dramas online with users, I would find myself very upset afterwards and I would obsess about it all day long and distract me at work. I blame the OCD for it. But why do this to myself so it's better to avoid drama and plus I spend hours in front of the computer arguing and thinking of comebacks to say and I waste time and I have a kid now so I can't make drama more important than my own child so I use him as an excuse to not get involved and let it go.


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benh72
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12 Aug 2013, 12:04 am

In the family I came from there were two opinions, my Dad's opinion and the wrong opinion.
I'm acutely aware that I carry this trait, and try to ensure that if I am in an argument I back it up with fact, not just opinion, that I have others that support me in my belief, and that I am not just being contrary.
I stupidly reignited an argument with a girlfriend I had broken up with more than 20 years ago, not just once, but three times in the past 12 years!
The first time I was in a depressive funk, and my marriage was imploding, and I just needed someone I used to know to be listen to me and be on my side.

I stirred her up again a couple of years ago, as I was going through therapy; she in turn stirred up emotions and said she blamed my parents for my problems.
This eventually lead to me being diagnosed with ASD, and then yet again I stupidly contacted her, this time intending to thank her for awakening my emotions enough to look for the underlying problems that lead to my anxiety and depression, which previously had caused me a lot of problems.
Of course yet again, we got into an argument, thankfully only via email.
In the end she admitted cheating on me in our relationship; something she never admitted to before.
She got kind of psychotic in the end, and I was glad to break off the communication, and leave the argument behind, but in reality it had been simmering in the back of my mind for 20 years.
I was glad in a sick way of finally being vindicated in my suspicion that she had cheated on me, even finding out for sure two decades later.
Never mind that she knew I cheated on her, I just had to know the truth that she had cheated on me.

It's not logical, it's not nice, and it's not helpful, but yes I too can be caught up in an argument for a long time, and if the other party goes away, the argument will just simmer in my mind until I can resolve it to my satisfaction, which usually involves the proverbial burning bridges.
If I don't burn the bridge, I can't move on.



btbnnyr
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12 Aug 2013, 12:09 am

Good thing I don't have time to argue with people online, otherwise...


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moisha
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12 Aug 2013, 2:44 am

Stupidity is in the eye of the beholder. What seems stupid to aspies might be reasonable to other people, who don't really give a crap about your so-called facts. Any view can garner thousands of facts - perspective and intent. An aside - facts aren't necessarily the truth or worth knowing.

Aspies have a lower tolerance for conflict and higher emotional tone. We become blind to all else trying to pimp our "intelligence". But there are various solutions and views to phenomena. Aspies however are myopic and passionate about pet interests.

This post is dull and pointless...



Astera
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12 Aug 2013, 2:56 am

Generally I try to avoid arguments, but if I get into one, it's very hard for me to let go. I have learned to disengage from arguments online, but in real life it's still a problem. I rarely handle it well, and unresolved situations haunt me for a very long time, especially if it's personal.



vanhalenkurtz
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12 Aug 2013, 4:06 am

moisha wrote:
An aside - facts aren't necessarily the truth or worth knowing.

There's value in that observation. Partisans use facts but facts aren't partisan. Lewis Carroll once noted, the most accurate map of the world would cover the world. Of course that is an opinion.


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babybird
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12 Aug 2013, 4:10 am

I can't have serious arguments because I always hear funny things being said.


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Mr_Nice
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12 Aug 2013, 4:46 am

Bloodheart wrote:
I get into arguments and can't let it go, even if I can avoid continuing an argument I still can't help but want to know what else is said, I get so wound-up it sends my anxiety sky-high and I can't calm myself down. I get so wound-up at other people's stupidity and ignorance, that you can state a fact plus back it up with a thousand sources and yet still people will argue it's not true...and resort to insults. I think this is partly why I don't like to post things online, worry about criticism or starting arguments.

I don't get into as many arguments IRL, although I know from experience I'm not too different IRL when it comes to arguments...and for the record I do know how pathetic it is to get caught-up in arguments online but sometimes it can't be helped. It used to be that my ex had to block me from forums as I'd get so wound-up by stupid arguments online that I'd make myself physically ill.


What was the arguement that you backed up with facts and citation yet still lost?



girl_incognito
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12 Aug 2013, 5:04 am

I suppose one can say that I have had a problem with this in the past. As I get older I have far too much going on to continue with arguments that have no effect on my present situation.

When I would continue to engage in what others may perceive as keeping an argument going, I was not intentionally trying to be difficult or mean. It typically meant that I thought the conversation was interesting enough to hold onto a think about and once I find more points to the conversation I like to share with others. I was/am unaware at times that this may be upsetting to other people, because unless they have a huge outward reaction to something I can not tell if it's a touchy subject for them. As I have gotten older I have learned about a few subtle hints that may indicate others get upset with certain subjects. So, IF (that's a big if sometimes) pick up on some of those hints that I am aware of I generally let the other person bring the subject up again before engaging them with my ideas. Also I have learned better ways of delivering my message so it does not seem like I am being confrontational. That takes a lot of work though, and may also be another reason I don't engage in this too much anymore.

In other words I have become more aware, I suppose.



Mr_Nice
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12 Aug 2013, 5:16 am

I would argue as a way of arriving at the truth , For instance if i thought someone was being fake, pretentious or reserved. i would initiate an argument in order to ellicit some rawness in their conduct until we arrive at a slightly deeper truth. And that truth is usually very very funny :lol:



grahamguitarman
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12 Aug 2013, 5:32 am

I think we all do, thats why arguments on wrong planet can get so heated - neither side wants to give ground!

At 50 years old I've long since learned that sometimes you have to step back and look at the argument from a distance. That way I can see if I'm maybe being an ass, or if there is value in the other persons perspective. I'm also very careful about trying not to be prejudiced in my views.

My favourite zen saying is that 'in order to see the centre of the circle, you have to step outside the circle'. And this applies as much to debate as anything else.

And if it becomes obvious that the people dominating a conversation are too stubborn and extreme to listen to reason then I will force myself to leave that conversation. It's hard to do that sometimes, because there is always another asinine comment you want to reply to. But that is how I've trained myself to be a more self controlled person over the years.


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neilson_wheels
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12 Aug 2013, 6:40 am

Good advice above.

Bloodheart - I think it is important to remember that many people use the forums to vent and this can include posts deliberately designed to provoke an emotional reaction. It's not good but seems to be a common occurence. If you allow this to happen I'm afraid you have fallen into the trap. You are entitled to an opinion the same as everyone else, you will be able to have better conversation if you can detach yourself a little bit. If you are seen to be reacting this is a red rag to the bull.
I will pursue my point if I believe in it's validity, in my limited experience on forums it seems very few people will admit they could be wrong. I assume they have realised this when they stop responding.



Crowi
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12 Aug 2013, 6:45 am

Oh yes!
I am currently training myself to NOT get into online arguments. I haven't made much progress...