Social milestones like marriage and kids

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I'm a 32 year old guy and nobody ever believes how old I am because I look/act much younger.

I don't act completely like a 20-something, because most of the 20-somethings I know enjoy large parties and drinking a lot. Not my scene. But most of the people I went to high school with are married and are starting to have children.

I tried to forget about my diagnosis for a while, but lately it's been coming back to me and I've been measuring myself against my diagnostic report and finding it's true. I always thought I was socially competent (and still do, I'm just competent in faking, which is a different competence than NTs) but something that struck me as funny was once during a theatre rehearsal some castmates were discussing how shoes thrown over a telephone wire can mark houses where you can buy drugs and I chimed in with "yes that's true" and they just kind of laughed at me (not unkindly... I think?) and said "How do YOU know that?" And I said, "I googled it once." But it made me realize that even people who don't know my diagnosis seem to have lowered expectations of me. I could be reading it completely wrong, of course, but I think it was a "He wouldn't know something like that" situation rather than a "why would someone know that" situation. Mostly because the emphasis was on the word YOU. If they had emphasized the word KNOW, like "how do you KNOW that?" I would have assumed the second situation.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is, I don't really have any expectation of ever being married. I've never been in a serious relationship. I know some people with ASD can feel really sad that they don't have a relationship, but personally, I wouldn't want to give up my personal space. My parents have been married 30+ years and I can see AS traits in both of them. For more than 10 years they have slept in separate rooms, and in their current house my mom sleeps on the main floor and my dad sleeps in the basement.

But I would be fine if I never got married. I do want friends and social interaction, but I enjoy my own space way too much and have never met anyone I wanted to spend so much time with that I would want to marry and spend all my time with. But this doesn't make me sad.

It seems the older I get, the more my "freak flag flies"... As people around me are collecting social milestones like long-term relationships and marriage, my disinterest in it becomes more apparent to others.

I guess it's good that it doesn't make me sad that I feel like this? If the diagnosis was good for something, it was this. I accept that I simply function differently, not wrongly.

Okay, so first of all, your theater friends may not have meant it that way. You may be very clean cut looking, or have said something in the past to make you seem like someone not interested in drugs. You shouldn't just assume that they were picking on you. I can see why you thought that, but it's not all that likely.

Secondly, lots of autistic people are happily married. I'm married to an autistic man, who is a great husband and father. A lot of people who have been married for a long time fall into habits that might seem strange to other people, like sleeping in separate rooms. After awhile, you stop caring what you're supposed to do and you just do what feels right for the two of you. For example, I don't ask my husband to come to social functions with me. If he does, I don't expect him not to be rude. He can do and say what he wants. Maybe we're "supposed" to make a show of going to formal functions together, but if he doesn't like them, so what? I don't care what other people think. It's probably the same with your parents and how they sleep.

You'll find a partner who is right for you, and end up in the type of relationship that feels comfortable for the both of you. Don't worry about it. You're still young and have lots of time to meet the right person and figure that stuff out.

Oh no, I think I didn't come across clearly. I didn't think they were making fun of me, most of my friends are quite accepting of my quirks, theatre people especially are a quirky bunch. But you're right, they might have just thought I was clean cut. I think I do come across as quite naive though.

What I meant to focus on in the thread was the fact that I don't *want* to be married. I'm not worried about finding the right person. I'm sure if it happens, it will be ok. But it's not something that I particularly want or am looking for. I guess I was just trying to gauge how unusual that is. I also wanted to state that I am finding myself at a point in my life where I'm coming to accept my differences, and that it's quite freeing to know and accept who you are.

I understand what you're talking about. I have the same problem when it comes to sexual knowledge in areas I have no experience or interest, but have a, well, surprising amount of knowledge. I've learned about BDSM and some fetishes by osmosis it seems.

Not that I LOOK like I would know these things. So when I am able to join a conversation and speak knowledgeably about the topic, many people have gaped, dropped their jaws, I've even had people choke on/spit out coffee/beer/liquor when they've heard me. (Maybe also because I'm more matter-of-fact and my demeanor would suggest I should be scandalised by it? I don't understand that, it is something people enjoy, just like I like mint chocolate chip ice cream. Not everyone does, but some people do. What's the phrase? Whatever floats your boat?)

Anyway, I digress. Your original post addressed common milestones such as marriage and kids. I am (very likely) on the spectrum (I hesitate to even use Autistic in a sentence until officially diagnosed). I am married, have been for 12 years. I have two kids. I was very lucky with my husband. I have always joked that I'm the nerd that married the cheerleader. We met at 19, were married 1 month shy of 21, and now are 33 (our birthdays are a month apart).
Comparatively, my brother-in-law is 35, is on his 5th or 6th girlfriend, and has no plans to marry or have kids (although he is close, as THIS girlfriend has two kids). He is NT, social, likeable, unquirky, (also irresponsible), etc.

What I'm so inadequately saying is that marriage and kids are not a uniform milestone that you have missed because of your autism, or because you are unlikeable. If you are not looking to be married, that's ok. Everyone is different, and has different goals and desires in life. So you don't want to be married with kids? That's fine. That can work for you, actually. There are many things it is easier to do as a single person than it is with kids and a spouse.

I WOULD suggest you finding friends that have similar lifestyles or goals as yourself. You may find that in your theatre group, you may not. But having others that share your ideas may make those ideas less lonely when you are surrounded by married, procreating friends.

Yes, it is. You're very fortunate in this respect. I think I was like that for a while, but now, it does make me feel sad. Really, really sad. It's great that you can accept your situation. I'm sure that being socially competent and having had at least "non-serious" relationships helps a lot with this.

Brittniejoy - I'd love to find people with similar priorities, but I don't know how to find them. As much as I'd love to just ask everyone "So do you ever want to get married?" I have a feeling that might get misinterpreted. Ha ha. Maybe that's why I hang out with people in their early twenties - most of them either have no idea whether they want to get married or not, or they are definitely not planning on getting married right now.

FMX - thanks. I have definitely had periods in my life where I felt the opposite, and would get really upset that I didn't have what I saw as "normal" relationships. It seems to have an ebb and flow to it. And while I see myself as "socially competent" it's not really NT's definition of "socially competent"... more just, I can fake it for short times when I have to, mostly relying on scripts and therefore people tend to think I'm "socially competent". I'm socially competent enough for myself and I think that's all that matters.

Fly your Freak Flag proudly.

But, as you go through your late 30's and your 40's you may find most of your age peers are singularly focused on their families. You may try seeking out "child free" groups and people when you want interaction. There's no promise they'll understand autistics, and some are just pickup/dating groups but some can be just people with common worldviews being together.

( I had a really strong bio drive to have kids, and do. The above was gleaned via osmosis from my many child free coworkers over the years. About half were LGB & of the other half maybe half were asexual, as an observation)

See, I'm borderline asexual, but have a strong bio drive for kids.

That's complicated.

Thank you. I will look for these sort of groups, though I stayed in university into my 30's and still have a few friends from the university age group. That's a separate problem, how to find friends as an adult. Right now, I feel ok socializing with younger adults, but I'll probably eventually seek out people my own age.

I do wonder if I'm asexual, or aromantic... maybe. It's hard to know for sure.

There is a forum for that on here. I find it very interesting actually. I haven't posted/interacted there much, because my curiosity is so renowned for getting me in trouble.

<--- Not borderline asexual. Doesn't even know where the border is!

Not really. TBH, most animals would be considered "asexual" by human standards. Most animals only mate during a specific period of the year, humans go all year round whenever they can. So I can understand bio drive and sexual drive not being the same thing at all.

I have to tell my husband this. He gets pretty, uh, mad, when I'm not, uh, interested as much as I should be. I comply, but it isn't a necessity.

I'm 41 and I've come to the conclusion, 20 years ago that I wouldn't be interested in being married and having a family. I'm glad that I came to that conclusion, because there are a lot of strange and wonderful things that I enjoy doing.

Yeah, i hear mismatched libidos can create stress in a relationship.

Boy is THAT an understatement. Finding about Autism, and that it comes with a lower than normal libido in some people has helped. I actually thought I was surrounded by an unnatural amount of people who were nymphomaniacs or just lying about their preferences! It has opened communication and dispelled misunderstandings between us, so that's a good thing.