Wondering if I have aspergers...

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Hi, I haven't used this forum before so if I am using it incorrectly or say something out of place (I hope this won't be the case) please let me know.

Recently I have started to wonder if I might have aspergers. There has been something, well off I feel my whole life in that I have found it very hard to connect to other people and have a lot of problems socialising. For a lot of my life I put it down to my past (I have had depression and also grew up in a household where there was physical and emotional abuse), and while I think that could account for some things I wonder if it can really account for all of it and has just acted as a mask for aspergers.

I don't know if I should list the things that makes me think this or not... I've always had a very hard time expressing myself and was quite monotonous when I spoke when I was younger and feel that the way that I interact has been learned and... an act. It often leaves me frustrated because I feel like I can't accurately express what I'm feeling - I am either too animated (the act) or too subdued. I've always found it very hard to read people and have preferred just to keep a few very close friends because I can get used to their reactions and talking to them. I feel like I can understand them and it lessens the anxiety I get with communicating. I feel very detached to myself when I communicate, and I think for this reason I really prefer to be alone.

These are also some things that I've noticed:
Sometimes when I think I feel like I've thought 'out loud' and start to wonder if I did say something because it felt so loud in my head
I fidget a lot when I talk and when I'm nervous or thinking about what to say
Eye contact is something that I have to force and I wonder a lot if I am making too much. It gets distracting in conversation
When I'm stressed or anxious I stop talking and go quiet
I am either hyper or very flat in mood
I often think about what a 'normal' response or thing to say would be - although I am still very honest when I talk.
I talk very quiet. Even sometimes when I speak up, it is still too quiet for people to hear clearly even though it sounds like the normal volume to me
Also, I have some random habits. One of them is counting the five most predominant colours in my vision. I do this a lot and repeat them (in my head) without even thinking of it.
I feel very androgynous and don't really think of myself as 'female' which I surprisingly read as a trait and that is how I have always felt
Social situations drain me a lot
I need my own space
I am very into social justice
I sometimes obsess over things that I'm interested in and read over as much information about it as I can before I move onto something else
I get anxiety very easily, and when it is bad I have to isolate myself from everyone


I'm not sure what to do. Should I seek a diagnosis? There are online tests I have taken and they have put me in the Aspergers range, but I don't want to rely on internet tests either because I don't feel they are completely accurate, more like a rough indicator.

Thank you for any advice and help.

A lot of what you are writing about sounds pretty typical for an adult who experienced child abuse. Its called hypervigilance in psych circles. Autistics experience hypervaligance, too. The difference is that we have it because we really aren't sure of ourselves in social situations, where people who are suffering trauma have learned it as a coping mechanism.

All those long descriptions of apergirls, etc... are interesting. But things like "is into social justice" isn't really particular to autistics. Those lists! Its not that they are wrong, but that they make it seem that every part of a woman on the spectrum is all about her autism, and it wrongly attributes some characteristics. I know at least two significantly autistic young woman (diagnosed since young childhood with continued need for support) who could care diddlisquat about justice. And they are girly. They like fingernail polish and boybands. This stuff about the "extreme male brain" is horse hocky. Its just that its easier to identify autistic women who like guy stuff because the standards for diagnosis are based on guys.

My advice would be to look up the DSM V criteria for autism online, and do some exploring/writing about how you might fit those criteria. And yes, if you really suspect autism, and you have the means, a professional diagnosis has a lot of benefits, even if you are no longer in school. Its a good grounding for further therapy, for one thing.