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dianthus
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11 Sep 2016, 7:45 pm

People really do say things like "you should come" or "let's get together" or "don't go yet" when they mean exactly the opposite. It's not ALWAYS like that - sometimes people really are being sincere. You're just supposed to figure it out somehow.

And if they really mean the opposite - they're probably not ever going to let YOU know that, because the whole point is to be insincere and try to appear nice. They would only admit it to someone else behind your back. I know it happens because I have seen it done to other people and heard them admit it when the other person wasn't there.

Some people really do it to be polite, because they think it's rude not to invite someone and they are just hoping the person will "get it" and won't actually take them up on it. But some people do it to be mean and they will laugh at the person behind their back for taking it seriously.



auntblabby
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11 Sep 2016, 8:13 pm

there aren't too many people that make me like them. :|



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11 Sep 2016, 8:47 pm

dianthus wrote:
hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.




AMEN!! ! This drives me crazy.



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11 Sep 2016, 8:58 pm

Only some of those make sense... for instance
- if anything it would be rude to leave your leftovers at the pot-luck as then whoever set it up will have to figure out storage for the food and what to do with all the dishes it was served in.
-nts first impression is not only based on those and 'nothing' else, and that is a big part of how anyone gets first impressions not just nts.
-If someone offers to pay for you than nothing wrong if you offer to pay for yourself, but I think people take offense if you insist and flat out refuse to let them if they want to.
-If people don't want you to come somewhere they aren't typically going to invite you...that doesn't even make sense.


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Sweetleaf
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11 Sep 2016, 9:01 pm

morugin wrote:
i used to get so confused when people rejected me politely.
they say "i'm busy".
i would try to use logic and ask why they are busy or if another time would work.
i was persistent with trying to find a solution because they would not say "i don't like you".
then they got mad at me, when they were the ones lying and rejecting me.

in response to another poster, people do decide whether they want to be friends with you in an instant and it is based on a feeling. you want to get to know only the people you are considering becoming friends with.


I haven't experienced that I don't know whether to consider anyone a friend or not till I know them.


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11 Sep 2016, 9:03 pm

dianthus wrote:
hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.


Yeah, once my NT grandmother was trying to explain
that if she said, "I don't want anything for my birthday,"
it meant that you had better go and buy her a real nice birthday present.

:?:



Sweetleaf
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11 Sep 2016, 9:32 pm

the_phoenix wrote:
dianthus wrote:
hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.


Yeah, once my NT grandmother was trying to explain
that if she said, "I don't want anything for my birthday,"
it meant that you had better go and buy her a real nice birthday present.

:?:


hmm does seem pretty pointless to say that if its not true.


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auntblabby
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11 Sep 2016, 10:15 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
the_phoenix wrote:
dianthus wrote:
hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.


Yeah, once my NT grandmother was trying to explain
that if she said, "I don't want anything for my birthday,"
it meant that you had better go and buy her a real nice birthday present.

:?:


hmm does seem pretty pointless to say that if its not true.

mebbe to save herself from disappointment, she predisastered it so it sounded like she wasn't even interested when in fact she was highly interested. I did that for ages to gird me against disappointment.



Secretalien
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11 Sep 2016, 11:24 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
- I'm busy is a code word for not interested
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses
- If this happens you are suppossed to leave the person alone, if you don't they will get very angry


I think sometimes busy does mean they just have too much going on rather than they dislike you. But either way, if they're always "busy", the friendship is not gonna happen at that time, so leave them alone.

Quote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


Sometimes, sometimes not? I can't always tell at first, especially if I don't really know them.

But mostly you're right about these rules, yeah.



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12 Sep 2016, 12:14 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Only some of those make sense... for instance
- if anything it would be rude to leave your leftovers at the pot-luck as then whoever set it up will have to figure out storage for the food and what to do with all the dishes it was served in.
-nts first impression is not only based on those and 'nothing' else, and that is a big part of how anyone gets first impressions not just nts.
-If someone offers to pay for you than nothing wrong if you offer to pay for yourself, but I think people take offense if you insist and flat out refuse to let them if they want to.
-If people don't want you to come somewhere they aren't typically going to invite you...that doesn't even make sense.


Depending on the context, NT's will invite you because it is a social obligation and a "nice" thing to do. It depends on the time and place, but often it is an insincere invitation, and they don't really want you to go, they just didn't want to seem rude by not inviting you. Similar to, "let's get lunch sometime". Context and tone of voice are key to knowing if its a sincere invite or not.



hollowmoon
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12 Sep 2016, 12:21 am

RabidFox wrote:
Hi there! :D

I'm not trying to come off as rude, but I disagree with some of the things that your friend has taught you. I hope my input helps.

hollowmoon wrote:
- I'm busy is a code word for not interested


This can be true when you are face to face, but, on the internet, it frequently means that the person really is saying that they are busy. Lots of people multi-task when they are online.

hollowmoon wrote:
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses


I've never heard of this.

hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


I don't know why your friend told you this one, because, in my experience, the person really does want you to come along.

hollowmoon wrote:
- In order to begin a conversation you are supposed to smile first, then if the person smiles back you can begin talking.


I've never heard of this either.

hollowmoon wrote:
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
-Nt's decide if they like you the first few seconds of meeting you
-Nt's first impressions are based off clothes and facial expression- and thats it, it doesn't matter what you say or who you are on the inside


Even "normal" people can have a hard time making friends. I've never known anyone that determines friendship based on a feeling they are having. Usually, people want to get to know you before deciding that you are a friend. And they really honestly don't base their impressions on what you're wearing and your facial expression. That doesn't even begin to be enough information. They want to know about you.


If somebody gets a bad "vibe" or feeling from you initially they will not pursue friendship. Although I have asked many NT's they do indeed go by a "clicking", "meshing" or a "feeling" to make friends. It is true. It is not a logical connection, it is an emotional one. Although, that is how they base their first impressions- it is not a logical process either. First the facial expression is to decide if your a threat, then the clothing is to determine what social group you belong to, an from these they assign you personality traits.



hollowmoon
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12 Sep 2016, 12:22 am

League_Girl wrote:
Quote:
-If you bring something to a potluck, it is polite to leave it there- not take the leftovers home.


Really? What if you made your own and brought it there and it's in your mixing bowl or serving dish or cookie sheet?

Plus I have seen people take theirs as they go.


In general. There have been several times I have taken my stuff back and was lectured. Once I took the remainder of my cake, and the other time I brought back my wine. I was told later in both instances I being rude.



hollowmoon
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12 Sep 2016, 12:25 am

RabidFox wrote:
Hi there! :D

I'm not trying to come off as rude, but I disagree with some of the things that your friend has taught you. I hope my input helps.

hollowmoon wrote:
- I'm busy is a code word for not interested


This can be true when you are face to face, but, on the internet, it frequently means that the person really is saying that they are busy. Lots of people multi-task when they are online.

hollowmoon wrote:
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses


I've never heard of this.

hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


I don't know why your friend told you this one, because, in my experience, the person really does want you to come along.

hollowmoon wrote:
- In order to begin a conversation you are supposed to smile first, then if the person smiles back you can begin talking.


I've never heard of this either.

hollowmoon wrote:
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
-Nt's decide if they like you the first few seconds of meeting you
-Nt's first impressions are based off clothes and facial expression- and thats it, it doesn't matter what you say or who you are on the inside


Even "normal" people can have a hard time making friends. I've never known anyone that determines friendship based on a feeling they are having. Usually, people want to get to know you before deciding that you are a friend. And they really honestly don't base their impressions on what you're wearing and your facial expression. That doesn't even begin to be enough information. They want to know about you.


If you continue to pursue a friendship and the person says their busy more than once, they are trying to polite because they just don't want you around. they assume they are ending the friendship gradually. If they were to tell you to go "away" that would be considered audacious and rude. If they still wanted to be friends they would initiate context or provide a time they were busy.

Also "you should come" depends on the context, often times it is just said to be polite as a vague statement. However, if they provide a specific time and date in advance, they are usually being sincere.



nurseangela
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12 Sep 2016, 12:38 am

the_phoenix wrote:
dianthus wrote:
hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.


Yeah, once my NT grandmother was trying to explain
that if she said, "I don't want anything for my birthday,"
it meant that you had better go and buy her a real nice birthday present.

:?:


This is true! :mrgreen:


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12 Sep 2016, 12:41 am

hollowmoon wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Only some of those make sense... for instance
- if anything it would be rude to leave your leftovers at the pot-luck as then whoever set it up will have to figure out storage for the food and what to do with all the dishes it was served in.
-nts first impression is not only based on those and 'nothing' else, and that is a big part of how anyone gets first impressions not just nts.
-If someone offers to pay for you than nothing wrong if you offer to pay for yourself, but I think people take offense if you insist and flat out refuse to let them if they want to.
-If people don't want you to come somewhere they aren't typically going to invite you...that doesn't even make sense.


Depending on the context, NT's will invite you because it is a social obligation and a "nice" thing to do. It depends on the time and place, but often it is an insincere invitation, and they don't really want you to go, they just didn't want to seem rude by not inviting you. Similar to, "let's get lunch sometime". Context and tone of voice are key to knowing if its a sincere invite or not.


This is true. Are you NT?


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
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12 Sep 2016, 12:50 am

hollowmoon wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Quote:
-If you bring something to a potluck, it is polite to leave it there- not take the leftovers home.


Really? What if you made your own and brought it there and it's in your mixing bowl or serving dish or cookie sheet?

Plus I have seen people take theirs as they go.


In general. There have been several times I have taken my stuff back and was lectured. Once I took the remainder of my cake, and the other time I brought back my wine. I was told later in both instances I being rude.


I figure if it's in my crock pot then leftovers are going home with me unless someone has a bowl they can put it in. I'd prefer to leave any perishable food because I'll just have to dispose of it at home - I wouldn't feel comfortable eating it after several people have had at it. Anything not in my pan that can be taken out like cookies, etc, I'll leave. I did once bring sugar cookies with that frosting stuff - and I took the rest with me! Sometimes you just have to say "Screw the rules!" That was one of those times. :mrgreen:


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.