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Outrider
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17 Oct 2016, 8:30 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
I have problems with banter too. I don't like it or enjoy it, even though I realize that's the way people enjoy talking to each other.

I'm a bit like Outrider in the sense that if I'm relaxed and with someone I like who likes me, I can get more into banter and even make some good comebacks that get a laugh and seem to be the right tone for the situation.

But if I'm stressed, tired, and around people who aren't close friends, banter feels like an alien language to me and I don't like it aimed at me, nor do I like being expected to respond or participate. I tend to be a more earnest person than most people enjoy, and banter is insincere, sarcastic and often hostile in my opinion.

Very situational for me. Can do with a REALLY nearest and dearest, don't like it one bit with other people.


The good kind of banter is just playfulness and clearly sharing in fun together. It's definitely only when I want to actively participate.

Yes, I agree though a lot of banter I hate.

Mean-spirited sarcasm and back-handed compliments or mean-spirited jokes at another's expense.

It seems other people have a better back-spine than me because I seriously cannot take a joke at times.

I don't get angry at them though, just keep up a coldly serious demeanor. Not cold or serious as in would make them uncomfortable, but just as in I do not really respond to their banter at all and then carry on with what I intend to get from them.

A lot of banter is just annoying or even hurtful due to my sensitivity. I'm not going to cry over it or anything, but just some of the mean-spirited banter that takes a jab at me? Yeah, I have trouble dealing with that kind even if they're just kidding. Even my own 'banter' is not typically like that.

I'm definitely very business-like in most situations, even with family.

I don't see the point in all the needless politeness in most interactions.

It seems people don't like to be made to feel all their purpose for me is to get something I need out of them but people with a job or in the service industry of some kind should come to expect this.

I'm usually thrown off by cashiers or store clerks trying to be polite or make small talk.

I can deal with the 'Hey, how are you?' but the ones who make a bit of joke and banter, I usually just don't say anything back or mumble something incoherent to at least PRETEND I acknowledged what they said.



BirdInFlight
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17 Oct 2016, 9:12 am

Yep, I can be playful around really good friends, and even be told I'm funny (in a good way, lol!). But it's dependent on the fact that I'm relaxed around that person or people. With everyone else, banter doesn't feel natural to me, to give or to receive.

I think a lot of banter between people who aren't actually close friends can cross a line -- friends know and like and trust each other and therefore know the buttons not to push, stuff like that.

But when strangers or acquaintances try banter it can often come across as harsh to me because some of the so-called humor in banter is often a bit personal, and that isn't humorous to me. A lot of banter seems to be something the person thinks is funny but I just think is unfunny and tedious.

I don't mind "How ya doing, is it cold enough for ya, haha?" on a cold day. But when it's something more personally targeted it feels like I only accept that from an actual close friend.


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marshall
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17 Oct 2016, 9:48 am

I'm not good at banter. Usually what I find funny isn't funny to other people and what other people find funny isn't funny to me. If I do say something that makes everyone laugh, it usually comes as a complete surprise to me. I'm only funny when I'm not trying to be funny.



CockneyRebel
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17 Oct 2016, 10:05 am

I guess I find banter to be pointless.


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kraftiekortie
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17 Oct 2016, 10:06 am

You might not like Banter....but you like Banner!



CockneyRebel
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17 Oct 2016, 11:25 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You might not like Banter....but you like Banner!


:lol:


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Biscuitman
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17 Oct 2016, 11:55 am

I am no Banter Clause or Archbishop Of Banterbury, but I do get it having grown up surrounded by it.

I generally just don't join in as 90% of it is childish innuendo which I grew out of 15 years ago.



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17 Oct 2016, 12:27 pm

I do, too. I even strongly dislike the word. I think I tend to way over-do my basic laugh reaction as well.
I'd like to be able in a way, since it's clear that people around me joke with each other but avoid trying with me. I suspect I appear too serious. Another issue is that at least in me the harsh type of talk would end up seeming like (being, in fact) genuine insults. I can't exactly invent insulting observations in jest, I just have heartfelt ones :D



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17 Oct 2016, 7:53 pm

Banter is usually just tiresome to me...unless it's with someone I know really well and feel comfortable with, where it happens naturally and I don't have to think about what to say...otherwise it feels really phony and it just gets on my nerves.



Outrider
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17 Oct 2016, 9:49 pm

BirdInFlight wrote:
Yep, I can be playful around really good friends, and even be told I'm funny (in a good way, lol!). But it's dependent on the fact that I'm relaxed around that person or people. With everyone else, banter doesn't feel natural to me, to give or to receive.

I think a lot of banter between people who aren't actually close friends can cross a line -- friends know and like and trust each other and therefore know the buttons not to push, stuff like that.

But when strangers or acquaintances try banter it can often come across as harsh to me because some of the so-called humor in banter is often a bit personal, and that isn't humorous to me. A lot of banter seems to be something the person thinks is funny but I just think is unfunny and tedious.

I don't mind "How ya doing, is it cold enough for ya, haha?" on a cold day. But when it's something more personally targeted it feels like I only accept that from an actual close friend.


"What's wrong? Cat got ya tongue? It's always the quiet ones, they say, right? (takes a few playful jabs to the other person's chest or stomach if they are of the same gender) Hehehe! *smiles smugly*."

This sounds like hell^.

Something strangers or acquaintances definitely shouldn't do to a good deal of Aspies here if they don't want to tick us off.



Lillikoi
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17 Oct 2016, 10:20 pm

Yehh... Usually I come up with something but I'm too slow to respond. :oops:

A lot of times I don't even get what the person was saying. Or... that they were joking in the first place. :|


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18 Oct 2016, 1:17 am

I choke up in banter. Like, I'll fish for a response, but usually I'll sputter or give back the first thing that comes to mind. It'll usually sound lame and obviously canned, so it'll just get me mocked more. Non-response is worse though. I'll usually register it less as "I'm so cool I can just brush you off" and more as "...this'll look like you've beaten me down, won't it? Yeah, no." So, I respond.

Online it's fine, those extra seconds to come up with a retort make all the difference. Also I don't have this problem with people I'm comfortable around, like my little sister where a "yeah well f**k you and your mother" is a totally acceptable brush-off.


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29 Oct 2016, 5:16 pm

League_Girl wrote:
It catches me off guard and I always tend to think they're serious.


It catches me off guard too. I don't tend to think people who banter are serious unless they start talking to me when I'm very absorbed in something and haven't yet switched gears to thinking mode, but it does take me a second to figure out that they are joking sometimes.

Like BirdInFlight, it's easier to do with people I know, I guess because I'm accustomed to their speaking styles.



LyraLuthTinu
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29 Oct 2016, 5:47 pm

I generally find banter confusing, unless it takes the form of something I've experienced a few times or several times before. Then it's a little like a script that I can follow and sometimes I can even participate, though usually at a slower pace than NT's expect. I've even gone off to complete an errand of some sort and then delivered my comeback to the banter when I return. Really bad timing, that, as other posters have mentioned.

A couple summers ago NTHubby's stepdad and a young lady who is basically niece by marriage (um, let's see, his oldest brother's second wife's sister's daughter) visited us for a week or two. Every night between the three of them it was playful banter, and mostly it just made my head spin.

Like League-Girl it took me a minute or two to realize they weren't genuinely upset and arguing and insulting one another, they were just ribbing eachother playfully. I don't think I ever did get to the point where I could join in.

When banter is directed at me, I'm generally more likely to take it as serious criticism and feel hurt than to see it for lighthearted fun and deliver a witty comeback.


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30 Oct 2016, 6:54 pm

If it's mean banter I don't now how to respond and feel angry and disrespected. 2 weeks ago though some strangers started banter with me and I didn't feel angry. A guy said 'my friend fancies you' but he was kidding and I said 'thank you that's nice' and walked away. I think I wasn't mad though because I know people do that when playing truth or dare sometimes.

I have trouble with banter I'd I don't know why they are doing it. Yesterday a stranger said hi to me so I said hi back and then he made fun of me mocking my voice but I have no idea why. In fact I think he is my neighbour but I've never ever caused trouble and don't know his name. Some neighbours keep beeping at me and calling hello across the street but not in a genuine friendly way but a bullying way? They get funny if I ignore them, so if I try and be genuine they also get funny... I can't win.



slw1990
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30 Oct 2016, 7:18 pm

Starfoxx wrote:
I have trouble with banter I'd I don't know why they are doing it. Yesterday a stranger said hi to me so I said hi back and then he made fun of me mocking my voice but I have no idea why. In fact I think he is my neighbour but I've never ever caused trouble and don't know his name. Some neighbours keep beeping at me and calling hello across the street but not in a genuine friendly way but a bullying way? They get funny if I ignore them, so if I try and be genuine they also get funny... I can't win.


This has happened to me before too. I usually just ignore them because I don't know how else to respond. It's frustrating.