High Functioning Asperger's concerned about future

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, everyone. I am becoming increasingly concerned with predicament i.e socially etc. I have come here for some advice regarding this as I am assuming that perhaps there are some members who may have been in a similar situation to me in the past.

For Background I am 20 years of age and a student studying Environmental Science at a university in Southern England. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at 17 years of age, my Asperger's has always been fairly mild, although not mild enough to have no effect on my lifelihood.

I live independently in a studio flat on the university campus (although it may as well be off campus because I get limited support and pretty much take care of things myself) it is expensive but I think I prefer living alone to shared living which I don't feel that I could cope with well at all. There is problems with noise around me from rowdy students but I am getting through it with some perserverence.

My Asperger's as I said is mild, I pretty much take care of myself, as I said I live alone, I do the grocery shopping, can drive etc - I don't think I am as far behind as other people with my condition; at least from what I have observed/read online. My condition affects me badly when it comes to socialising though, I am clueless when it comes to forming social relationships. I don't have any friends (or even aquantinces) at all so I am extremely isolated being 500 miles from home (moved here from Northern Ireland). I have a defense mechanism which usually displays itself as anger/uptight especially around other men, for example, I know when I go to a gym if I get stared at I will stare back incessently. I worry about this because I know that this could get me into difficulties. The defense mechanism itself comes from insecurity/low self esteem which I am attempting to work on with a private councillor.

The problem now is that I am totally isolated and I don't know if I can cope with this much longer. My Asperger's is almost impossible to identify so people have expectations of me that I can't meet - when I don't meet their expectations they look down on me/judge me very harshly. People often remark that I come across as aloof and distant which I can understand but I can't devote much energy to socialising and having a positive aura around me because I am trying to get through the day. As i'm sure some of you may know, a typical day at university is mentally exhausting/draining. I have thought about informing some of the cohort on my course of my Asperger's but I am apprehensive to proceed with this because I know that people are not often familiar with the condition and may come to conclusions (based on prior experience). Never the less I do believe that a few females have picked up on something being 'off' with me, I guess it's just because woman are more empathetic/intuitive and can spot these things. I don't think any guys have picked up on anything, they just find me awkward from what I can see or else they don't care. Anyway, i'm rambling.

I have limited support now and this is the main problem. I had a social worker at home but she cannot support me because she is in another country, I have tried to maintain contact with her but she is somewhat distant with me. I get the impression that she was trying to reduce my support anyway because she didn't visit me as much this summer, I think she is of the opinion that I don't need as much support because my Autism isn't as severe as some of her other clients. Most disability agencies that I have been in contact with are lacking in support when it comes to adults and this is causing a great deal of stress and angst. Going from having a multitude of supports on offer before 18 to limited support 18+ is a challenge that I am struggling to handle. My family don't know what to do with me or how to handle me, they get no support at all. Recently my father and mother have also been distant with me I guess because they don't know what to say and also because I only ever come to them with problems. I can understand this but I have no one else to go to for advice! I off load to my mother and rant/rave over Skype but I have been trying to withhold this recently as I can see that it is taking a toll on her.

My condition is at the stage where I have difficulties socalising etc but have enough intellect and spatial awareness to identify that people are occasionally coming into issues with me i.e finding me awkward or being offended by my bluntness. This exhausts me and tires me, I spend all day trying to be 'normal' and please these people but it is exhausting, I come home and cry occasionally. I don't think anyone realises what I go through on a daily basis.

Anyway, I am at a crossroads now, I don't know whether to stay here and continue my further education or go home and move back in with my parents. I feel like that would be a step back but I can't cope with being isolated/having no friends. I know this is trivial in comparisson to other people but it is a hassle for me and impacts my overall mood and self confidence. I don't know what to do with this. I feel alone in dealing with this disability.. and it is scary.

I'm sorry to hear of what you are struggling with. My instinct is to urge you to hang in there and continue your education rather than throw in the towel now and move back home. I limited my life by doing a similar route, so I feel a need to urge you not to --- but I do realize how bad you feel and so this must be your own decision, not a stranger's on the internet based on their own issues.

A lot of your issues comes down to the dilemma of so-called "mild" autism. People -- even others on the autism spectrum -- mock Level 1 as being "barely" autism and yet what they refuse to take on-board is that even the uppermost level of the condition brings with it its own forms of hell for the one with it.

We may not need to wear helmets or have round the clock care, we may be able to dress ourselves, drive, and shop for food, but there's a world of impairments even within our functionality that cause problems -- otherwise we wouldn't BE diagnosed because we would be sub-clinical in the first place.

And one of the worst things about the mildest levels of autism IS the fact that we "seem" so "normal" that NOBODY will ever cut us some slack for the things we are failing at in their eyes.

When you're severe (severe autism) everybody "gets it" and not only cuts you slack but rushes to meet your every need, because it's clear you do NEED it.

But when you seem like everybody else, to all intents and purposes, from the outside, any manifestation of your traits and symptoms, your flaws, failings, inability to cope, any way in which your autism has caused you to fall down on what allistic people do not fall down on, makes people around you puzzled, confused, angry, frustrated with you, abandon you, hate you, dislike you, or like you but not include you -- you name it, that's what "mildies" get.

People expect more of us, people expect us to BE "normal" because "C'mon you're SO CLOSE to normal!" ONly in presentation. What they don't know is what's going on inside and how hard it is to keep going.

I know it's hard but I really feel a need to urge you not to quit.

Are there counselors available to students?

Did you make it formally known that you are on the spectrum and may require special accomodations in things like exam and study conditions.etc?

Would it help if you did in fact reveal to your peers that you have the condition and then try to explain to them what it actually means and what you yourself experience of it, so that you can clear up any misconceptions?

Some people also instead of saying "I have Asperger's" or "I have a mild form of autism" will just explain the specific trait they are struggling with, so instead of saying "I have ASD and can't take a noisy environment" you could say "I have a sensory processing disorder which means I find it very challenging to deal with a noisy environment when studying" etc.

Tony Attwood has advised this I think -- he said instead of announcing the autism, announce the specific issue at hand such as "I get a bit overwhelmed or tired if socializing too much," "I don't deal well with crowds," "I have sensitivity to loud noise" etc.

I think things may be easier for you if you could start to help some of the people around you know that certain things are a bit more stressful for you, with or without going on to explain why, if you do or do not want to.

I think it's when we keep trying not to acknowledge what is harder for us, to ourselves and to others around us who aren't understanding why we are the way we are, that things are worse.

Are there any clubs or student groups which share your interests at your university? It might help to seek out a community.

That's an awful lot of information you gave about your location. You gave exact details of where your studying at, what course etc. That's not safe and I could probably find your real name though I won't. Also you cannot delete your wp profile. Be careful what you tell online.

As for the rest of your message, you said you had support back in Northern Ireland. I wonder if you could contact the national autistic society? They help adults. Or maybe somewhere like a mental health place or where there are social workers. You could mention you had support before you moved and think you might need some more especially since your in a new country and new situation.
Some places in the UK are social groups for people on the spectrum. As for socialising in general I also come across as aloof but I'm finding it easier to talk to other students in small doses. This is by practicing. I think don't expect to much of yourself and don't run before you can walk. Don't try and become popular overnight or anything.

Also most scientists are weird anyway

Wow it's pretty oolong that 2 ppl here are studying science. Also me

Thanks guys.. Decent set of replies.

Overall, this disability has destroyed my life. Over the past few years it has become so severe that I have begun to fall behind my peers socially/developmentally.

At this stage I am approaching 21 and I have no life experience. I haven't been in a relationship at any point in my life. My father says that I have missed signals in the past but I don't think I have. I would think women would make it abundantly clear if they were into me.I think it's just wiseful thinking on his part though, I don't think i'm attractive at all and that's most probably why women aren't into me. Let's be realistic here.

Though I would love to be in a relationship at this stage, I am at the perfect age to start that kind of thing but I admit I don't know if I could handle it/make it happen. There are so many expectations and pressures forced upon men these days.

Another developmental issue is my vocabulary which leaves a lot to be desired both verbally and in the written context. I'm in my 1st year at university at the moment and have begun to do some coursework.. I have to constantly read over the work that I produce for hours and hours to get a decent word bank etc.. It's terrible.

My choice of words also doesn't reflect my intelligence and that is something I struggle to cope with. Older adults don't seem to take my opinions seriously in any way.

Because of the above a lot of the time I end up feeling stupid & paranoid that I am making a fool of myself. It is draining to live with.. And saddening when I think of my potential and all the things I am missing out on at my age.

I don't know how I could rectify this situation. I feel alone in dealing with this disability.. Anytime I attempt to get support with my social issues etc I am let go of.. People do not want to deal with this condition.