my SO's rigidity about pc use is killing and blinding him

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pontyrogof
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17 Dec 2016, 10:08 am

How is it that a brain condition that causes excessive mental rigidity can be had by so many people here so willing to lead self examined lives? I am just grateful that is the case so I keep coming back here.

I know it is not my business to fix another person. But that doesn't save me from my biggest trap. My SO, who will never get formally diagnosed for any brain or personality issues, has mastered accomplice seeking while feigning advice seeking. He draws me into conversation about his health often prepared to argue in case I have my own opinion. But if I don't engage, I am not being a good listener.

He talks online all day long about his ulcerative colitis and retinal detachment issues, at least sixteen hours a day now. When he isn't doing that he is reading and writing about finance and politics. This means he is in a chair hunched over a monitor and keyboard 16 hrs a day, mostly talking about being healthy! Of course the computer, internet, and media are his primary coping mechanisms, so of course he flies into a rage at the mere implication that more breaks from media and the chair might slow his race toward total blindness and anal bleed out.

His complaining has trumped what he complains about as his primary disease. Would you believe we first got together over our mutual interest in the writings of ECKHART TOLLE? I bet people who know Tolle's work would remark, "And what is not to be believed about that?"

But every time I spread my arms wide for a hug he will leap from his chair and engage. So I embrace our irony along with everything else.


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Challenges: hyperosmia, hyperacusis, migraine, dysbiosis, anxiety, sulfur and glutamate intolerance, anorexia, dysnumia, ocd, hypergraphia, novelty seeking, derealization, depersonalization, hyperfocus, chronic vitamin D and magnesium deficiencies, hypermobility, orthorexia
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Fraser_1990
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17 Dec 2016, 10:37 am

Is there really such a thing as fixing another person?

Or is it merely moulding someone into the type of person you think they should be?


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Prof-Diagnosed: Aspergers Syndrome (I still call it that!), Dyspraxia, Dysgraphia
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somanyspoons
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17 Dec 2016, 11:45 am

OK. So, why are you here on a site for aspergers people? Do you think that your aspergers is getting in the way of connecting with your husband?

Your question is kind of backhanded. I mean that it's making an accusation - that autistic people are rigid and presumably would never be self aware. Ouch!

Please do understand that this is not a place were you can describe how your husband's aspergers is the reason you are not getting the love you need in your relationship. That kind of thing isn't going to go down here without comment. As you noted, plenty of people around here do not fit the self-absorbed steriotype that you hear about on TV. Plenty of autistics are in very loving, mutually satisfying relationships. We tend to need to construct them more carefully and mindfully in order to make them so, but we can have them.

A husband who doesn't want to work on a struggling relationship isn't an autism issue. It's a human issue. So, maybe approach it from that angle first?



pontyrogof
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17 Dec 2016, 1:20 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
OK. So, why are you here on a site for aspergers people? Do you think that your aspergers is getting in the way of connecting with your husband?


somanyspoons wrote:
Your question is kind of backhanded. I mean that it's making an accusation - that autistic people are rigid and presumably would never be self aware. Ouch!

Me: How is it that a brain condition that causes excessive mental rigidity can be had by so many people here so willing to lead self examined lives? I am just grateful that is the case so I keep coming back here....
I do not see the back of this hand. I hear how many times I have been accused of excessive mental rigidity by people who do not know me at all, so I say look at all the people here who disprove the theory that accuses me without seeing my ability to self examine.

somanyspoons wrote:
Please do understand that this is not a place were you can describe how your husband's aspergers is the reason you are not getting the love you need in your relationship. That kind of thing isn't going to go down here without comment. As you noted, plenty of people around here do not fit the self-absorbed steriotype that you hear about on TV. Plenty of autistics are in very loving, mutually satisfying relationships. We tend to need to construct them more carefully and mindfully in order to make them so, but we can have them.


The problem is not a lack of love for me. Where did I say it was? The problem is watching slow suicide and having to open my heart wider to embrace that as part of the one I love.

somanyspoons wrote:
A husband who doesn't want to work on a struggling relationship isn't an autism issue. It's a human issue. So, maybe approach it from that angle first?


Was using the word rigidity a bad choice of words? Maybe for a certain audience. I am disappointed in my writing ability if my description portrays him as not willing to work on a struggling relationship. My detail about the easy hugs was intended to show that he is willing, very willing to work.

And to the observation above about trying to mould someone...that is a two way street. The mould others would have me fill is watch them kill themselves and love them in their self destructive processes. Some relationships are fortunately lacking this dynamic, but many are not.


_________________
Challenges: hyperosmia, hyperacusis, migraine, dysbiosis, anxiety, sulfur and glutamate intolerance, anorexia, dysnumia, ocd, hypergraphia, novelty seeking, derealization, depersonalization, hyperfocus, chronic vitamin D and magnesium deficiencies, hypermobility, orthorexia
Strengths: empathy, mechanical ability, openness, music, design, composition, language, Socratic teaching method