Desperate

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I’m a total failure of an adult human being. I try my absolute hardest every day to do and be a normal person but I just can’t. I don’t mean the kind of ‘but I can’t do it!’ that someone says when they feel like they can’t do something. I mean that I actually can’t.

I tried to have an informal interview about beginning some volunteering work this week. I didn’t know it would be a group discussion sort of situation. I arrived, saw the group, and it took me 45 minutes to get the courage to walk over to them. I lasted two sentences before I literally ran away. Spent the next hour hyperventilating and crying on the floor of a toilet cubicle because I was too scared to come face to face with another person.

I’ve been crying for 3 days because I have my first shift in a new job lined up for tomorrow. It wasn’t even a proper job. No interview. A friend of the family needed someone to work on an as and when basis, maybe equalling 3-4 hours a week. The sheer amount of anxiety I have just thinking about this is almost indescribable. My face is swollen because I can’t stop crying. My muscles are shaking from being so tense.

The job is in a bar. I am absolutely terrified of how loud and busy the place is, of having to constantly interact with customers, not being able to hear what they’re asking for because of the background noise, the bright lights, multiple tv screens going at once, the beer smell, pool balls smashing together.

I know what putting me in this situation does because it’s happened so many times before. It ends with me breaking down in tears and literally running out of there and hiding in the toilet/under the stairs/ the nearest alleyway.
I’m so scared that I’ll bolt again, as I always have done. I wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t even cope with a couple of hours of work? I’m terrified of another round of failure. Every time I fail it kills my confidence that little bit more. The damage from that is worse than just never trying. But I’m an idiot and I keep setting myself up for this over and over again.

To make it all that much worse I have communication problems. I have selective mutism triggered by extreme anxiety/stress and an almost total inability to talk about my feelings. I feel like a prisoner trapped in my own head. I can’t explain to anyone what is going on I just cry and cry. I have my husband who is absolutely great at comforting me but has no clue how to actually help my situation. I have no professional support as I’m still waiting for a diagnosis (7 months and counting), and my gp can't understand my struggles because I can't explain.

What am I supposed to do now? I want to do the things that other people can. I’m fed up of feeling like a complete freak and a failure. Is it even possible to learn to change my behaviour? Nothing seems to have made a difference so far. In the past 10 years I‘ve had CBT, several years of different talk therapies, multiple kinds of antidepressants, benzodiazepines, 5-HTP. There's been zero improvement. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Before you go into a new situation ask for advice here and elsewhere.

As you have painfully found out trying hard is not enough, one has to try smart. And you like most of us here you have difficulties with this.

One strategy that helped me was when I sought employment I did so in small organizations. There is a lesser chance of the type of formal group activities you just ran into. There is more of a chance the hiring is done by an "old school" owner who cares more about merit than great networking skills.

You are NOT a failure. Absolutely not.

There are some things that we're always going to find difficult - things that allistic people don't find difficult, and therefore they don't understand. Certain kinds of jobs - for example, in the fast food industry, telesales, bar work - just aren't going to be right for most of us. But there are jobs out there which we're perfect for. It's not necessarily the case that you can't cope with a couple of hours of work - this kind of job isn't right for you.

Group interviews are hell, and I would've run away too. It would have been nice if they'd warned you. Perhaps in future you can ask what kind of interview set-up there will be.

Give up the idea of being normal and do what's right for you. Be kind to yourself. It might be that you can't actually work at the moment. There's no shame in that.

You're not alone.

ASPartOfMe and Hippygoth are both correct. You are not a failure - a failure wouldn't bother trying. I would stay away from bar jobs - I doubt if I could think of anything worse for someone with AS. Go for small companies with a small workforce - I work in a very quiet office with 4 very quiet people and it's great. How about working from home?

Also, regarding your selective mutism when you visit your GP. How about bringing your husband who can speak/advocate for you? Write a short letter before you go stating that your husband will act as your advocate as you have issues speaking while under stress and hand it to the doctor. I do this for my wife, who has aphasia, and it really helps. I let her speak whenever possible and take over if she gets confused or tongue-tied. All our doctors and nurses are used to it.

Are you in the UK? If you've waited 7 months to hear about a diagnosis then hopefully it'll come up soon. Mine took about that long.

You really are not a failure. Have you spoken to your GP recently about your anxiety and the problems you have been having? From what you said it sounds that bar work is unlikely to be suitable for you at this time, it would also not be suitable for lots of people, me included. Message me if you need to chat about anything.

The Psychiatric Drug-Industry is not designed to actually help anyone. I do know, however, that there are cases of people who've made use of hypno-therapy to treat a variety of different kinds of psychological-conditions where-as all of the other traditional or conventional-methods of treatments that they had ever tried were always failures. Westernized medical-practice will always spin its wheels on psychological-issues due to being full of the blind leading the blind... I do know that there are or were forum-members around who have posted about how hypno-therapy actually managed to help them whilst all other methods of treatments were dismal-failures.

As well as Wrong Planet, the Autistic Women's Network has a lot of supportive, understanding and helpful articles and information. Maybe check it out?

All I can say is I can honestly relate to you and I always worry about going into a career that's right for me. I too feel like a failure. My social anxiety and my self consciousness especially got worse last night. I just roke down and cried like you did. I'm honestly scared. I would like a way out.

Please hang in there. You are not a failure.

Maybe a bar is not the best way to transition yourself into work if you have difficulty coping. A job not requiring much interaction might be a better way to start, even in a voluntary capacity. If you have a public library nearby, maybe you could (officially or unofficially) tidy the shelves. You could start in the most quiet areas and work your way up to busier sections. Just a suggestion.

Having someone you like and trust with you in social situations could also help you gain confidence (e.g. filling in conversation if you don't know what to say, encouraging you to persevere with interaction). Gaining confidence is the most important thing.

Could you show the descriptive sections of your post to your husband or GP? A written description or explanation of your difficulties might be more successful than trying to convey it verbally.
Good luck!

Great advice! I often do this myself.

And woah, don't work at a bar. That would be such a stressful job. For anyone!

I agree that a job that has light interaction requirements would be best. The same for a volunteering job. If you're volunteering, I would email the place beforehand, explain that you have extreme social anxiety, and ask if you can meet with one of the other volunteers beforehand (a woman). Then that woman could be your buddy to go through it with you.

Once a friend of mine wanted to volunteer at a place where I already volunteered but she was super nervous about it. I handheld her through it and she did fine. I enjoyed her company and helping her made me feel like I knew my own responsibilities better. The organization seemed to like putting us together because it was less work for them.