Aspergers has ruined my life disabled not different

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I am 43 this year and it's five years since I figured this out and four years since I got my official diagnosis.
A lot of the time I don't think clearly you know the old problem not seen the forest for the trees.
However I am seeing things as they are at the moment.

Things I have achieved learned how to hold down a job have not been fired in 20 years.
I passed my driving test last year.

Things that suck.
I can only get manual low paying jobs and just about a month ago I quit just to get my bearings in life the first time I have ever done this.
I still live with the folks and I have never been in any kind of relationship.

The thing now about Aspergers ASD is that I understand the problem I really do and analyzing it to death here or anywhere else is just not helpful anymore.
It's the solution that evades me and I KNOW it always will.

I know before I even meet a group of people things are going to be awkward or strange.

I am at a point in life I don't feel overly depressed and if I do it passes.
Apart from what I describe life can be ok but I don't have any ambitions or excitement about the future.

I also go through periods of great energy and drive and then months of laziness in which I just want to sleep and not be involved in the world.

At many times in the last seven years I have just wished I would get some terminal disease and I could say to myself I tried my best but the choice is out of my hands.

Two reasons for posting this.

One just wanted to get it off my chest.
Two I know others here must feel the same some of the time.

I don't need counseling or somebody to make me feel better because a lot of the time I do feel better and there is no danger of me doing anything silly really.


However I really have no appetite for 20 or 30 years more of being a socially isolated misfit.

I think my feelings are quite normal given our outlook in life.

Have you considered/sought diagnosis for bipolar? I only single this out because the other things mentioned seem to have been pretty much examined from every angle already.

I've felt the other things you mention in varying degrees of intensity for many years, and constantly on the edge of being unable to stand another day of my job... even though it's a pretty good one... and other stuff...
Looking forward to my dr. appointment to see if some med can lift the stress. Even on the worst day though, I'd choose a new pair of socks over wishing for a terminal disease... and I already have new socks.

Thanks for sharing. I am always moved by your posts. I definitely relate.