I need to vent

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I know that there are other people at a worse state than me. So if nobody replies to this, that's fine, i just want to tell someone. And i know i probably shouldn't get so personal, but again i just need to vent.

Now i haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i'm now starting to think that i have it. My parents always tell me that i'm "miserable" and just shrug it off as such.
But recently I've been hitting some traits related to depression. I get frequent headaches, after my shift at work, i get back pains even though all i do is push carts around, I'm more sensitive to sad scenes in movies etc.

I lost interest in everything, I always get anxious and scared when ever i try to follow my dreams. Hell, most of the time i get anxious and i always put myself down like i have an inferiority complex.

I've been tossing up ideas of being a multimedia animator, writer, (and to a much lesser degree) a game designer, whatever, i just want to have a career in being creative, because i was raised on this sort of stuff. the problem?

When I was two i was diagnosed with high functioning autism (or asperger's syndrome). So I'm fairly quiet, shy, and introverted (in a family of extroverts no less). Three things that don't mix well for a career like animation where i have to work with a big team, especially since i want to be a director for projects. every time i try to practice or something, i stop out of fear.

Also i heard that autistic people have at least a slightly above intelligence, but I've always felt like an idiot, so that also makes me fell like that i don't got it. As well as scared of being overwhelmed.

I've heard art school isn't worth it so that's why i haven't applied yet.

I really only have two friends and they're always busy, so I've been very lonely and have only been getting lonelier with each passing day. I keep telling myself I may not get a girlfriend and that's fine, but because of how lonely I've been I end up looking at a couple and feel envy for them. I'm also not that appealing to look at so i can understand this.

I have an awful laptop that I've been meaning to replace with a personal built desktop. but i also need money to fix a car, and i want to save up for when i move out, but i don't have that much money. I'm also 20 years old and still living with my parents which i don't think is natural.

I've had occasional suicidal thoughts, but (surprisingly) they're not that frequent. Maybe because people tell me that it gets better, and there's probably a small part of me thinking that there is. but i'm mostly doubtful that things will just get better.

I'm constantly comparing myself to others. As i keep sitting in my room, i keep feeling worthless and more of a loser. My parents think subscribing me to anti depressants are all that's needed to fix this. and whenever i try to tell them this stuff they always complain that I'm fine and they're other people in worse situations.

I keep thinking things won't get better. I keep thinking that i don't got it. I keep thinking that I'm a failure...

Ugh... I'm sorry for making this long... I'm sure some don't want to read all this and that's fine. But if you did, even if you don't reply to this, thank you so much. Thank you for reading my rambling and being mopey.

I don't usually read long posts, but I read all of yours. I'm only 16 so I don't have much sage advice. But I certainly can relate to how you are feeling.

Hey, I hope you're doing alright. If you're not, that's fine. It is a day by day thing, really, it is. One day can be absolutely horrible but the next, you wake up and there is one thing to smile a little bit about the whole day. Sometimes, one thing is enough to keep you going. Depression really takes the wind out of your sails and makes the world seem insurmountable and impossible to "become a part of". I have had those days, being in bed all day, doubting the path in life my intuition is leading me down. You're still here though, and you can fight it. You are stronger than all of those negative things. Hey, you made it to 20! That is a huge accomplishment and your accomplishments are worth as much as everyone else's. Even going outside for 5 minutes is a HUGE accomplishment, or taking a shower, or brushing your teeth, or even putting on a clean shirt, or even getting out of bed for a minute some days. Be proud of these accomplishments, they are so important! You know, life seems hopeless sometimes and having this condition makes simple things a lot more difficult sometimes. It can be frustrating when it's impossible to go get a glass of water because the parent is out there and oh boy that shoots the anxiety right up, so staying in the room thirsty is the choice, which makes the mood even worse.

I do not want to make this about me because clearly you are seriously struggling and I feel deeply for you and I'm so sorry, but maybe this will help a bit. I'm 25 and still attending college, messed up many things in my life, so did my boyfriend in his life (I suspect he has Asperger's), and he was my first boyfriend who hasn't viciously abused me, by the way, he is also a virgin so we don't have much intimacy (I know the desire for intimacy can be strong and lonely at times) and some days I literally can NOT get my butt out of bed. My caretaker lets me live with her because she needs my help and I am a broke student, but she was like your parents, when she was still raising me. It is kind of traumatic really. The thing that helps most is realizing, there is something fundamentally wrong with them, not you. Maybe they're evil, or not, but they do not have this condition, they do not understand. How could they? I also just wanted someone to talk to, to vent to, sometimes, and never had it. Stayed in my room for ages. Counselors were blah, meds didn't help. I started to meditate and get in touch with my deeper feelings. You know monks can meditate in minus 0 conditions and completely ignore their bodily sensations? Meditation really helps. Now I can stay in my room for weeks to work on papers and well, it's better than going out in this horrible world, honestly. Bombs, nukes, world war 3 is around the corner, be proud of the fact that you're not a warmongering loser like everyone else. You're not a loser at all, just someone very sensitive who needs a friend. Well, I hope you feel better, and you can always message me.

Many people of the Aspie/Autistic persuasion succeed in the fields you mentioned.

Many 20-year-olds, even "neurotypicals," live with their parents. I didn't leave home until I was 20.

You should try to go to some sort of higher educational institution.

"I know that there are other people at a worse state than me."
It doesnt matter, all that matters is you are hurting and how much you are hurting, it doesnt matter why or how. You are in pain, and still need support.


"My parents always tell me that i'm "miserable" and just shrug it off as such."
Ok theyre are right and wrong. First if all- yes, depression passes, it comes and goes, BUT that doesnt mean it should be ignored, if you need help, YOU NEED HELP. And its OK to ask for that help. Dont let it get worse to a point of no return.


"Now i haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i'm now starting to think that i have it. My parents always tell me that i'm "miserable" and just shrug it off as such."
Depression is one of those things where i can understand the self diagnoses in good taste, in your case, i think its safe to say yes, you are probably depressed, regardles, you are hurting and need support.


"Also i heard that autistic people have at least a slightly above intelligence, but I've always felt like an idiot, so that also makes me fell like that i don't got it."
Get rid of that myth that people with AS are suppose to have high IQs. The idea of IQ Being messured by a number is a ridiculous thing to beleive to begin with. Everyone, especially people on the spectrum have strengths and weaknesses, you just need to find your strength, and if you need more evidence i was diagnosed with AS and many parts of my IQ were below average,


"I've heard art school isn't worth it so that's why i haven't applied yet."
Personally i feel art school is a waste, but ONLY if you already have a goal in mind. Quentin tarentino said "i didnt go to film school, i went to films." So i feel that if you know what you want to do- do it. If your not sure- go to school and learn.


"I've had occasional suicidal thoughts, but (surprisingly) they're not that frequent. Maybe because people tell me that it gets better, and there's probably a small part of me thinking that there is. but i'm mostly doubtful that things will just get better."
Please take these thoughts seriously and consider telling someone, i know having ASD can make communicating hard but just tell someone close to you that " i have seriously been considering suicide". Dont wait for it to get worse.


"I'm also 20 years old and still living with my parents which i don't think is natural"
Everyone moves at their own pace. Its hard to be living on your own. Baby steps, one day youll move out if you have the will to do it. And if you continue to live with them, no problem. My cousin is non autistic, 26 and still lives with his parents and is the oldest of 4.

"My parents think subscribing me to anti depressants are all that's needed to fix "
Medication is not for everyone, but it can be a great tool. Keyword being tool! They are not a cure for depression they just make it managable so you can work to making life better.

Im sorta in the same boat as you. Right now im working on a cartoon that i hope to get on television or something soon. Progress is slow but i think i can do it, and i think you can to. Remember you dont need to do anything RIGHT NOW. Take the time you need and you will get there. Things wont get better on their own.

how does that help?

Deleted

We're in the same boat.
I woke up this morning feeling crap.
People think it makes you feel better if they give advice or criticise or tell you where you're going wrong.
But all I wanted was for someone to tell me how damn awesome I am.
Sadly, not.
This is an ongoing battle.
But you're awesome, no matter how you feel.
Tomorrow will be better for both of us.

[quote="Anon_92"]Everyone in this forum should read this a few times:

https://en.wikipedia.org/..

Did you read it? (It's a rhetorical question) You've shown how unintelligent you are repeatedly and the unfortunate part is you lack the self awareness (something intelligent people have in spades) to realize that. I'm sorry no one has played into your diluted sense of intelligence, however if you don't want to feel completely isolated you may want to reevaluate your approach before you find yourself banned.

I have autism and depression, I also code/program. While I am unable to work in a traditional environment I do consulting and freelance work that allows me to pick and choose my stress level and interaction.

When I am not doing that I at times write tutorials.

My point is you can do the things you would like to do and there are a lot of resources and projects that are out there to allow you to do it. It isn't easy, however if you're determined you can.

StackOverflow is a great resource for any developer in any format. Depending on what you'd get interested in there are other sites that can help you. (You didn't provide enough detail for me to say which ones.)

There are also a ton of other developers that want help with their projects.

As a side note Random Salad games (popular mobile game developer) started out as just two guys (I think they are up to 7 now) and if I remember right this year they are expected to make two million in ad revenue alone. The one cofounder would be classified as shy and anxious. It's normally him sitting saying very little while the other guy talks in the interviews I've seen. It wouldn't surprise me if he has autism.

I've been in a similar boat as you for the last couple years. I could really relate.

Most of the time, no one really knows I'm miserable, because I try to be upbeat when I'm interacting with them. I think only a couple family members know how bad I really feel (my dad and my sister) and everyone else either does not know or isn't aware of the extent of my feelings.

I need about 10 hours of sleep to function right and minor headaches are not uncommon for me and my back is almost always sore (although the last could be more related to some physical issues).

I have ups and downs where I will either want to push myself as far as I can and others where I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing no matter how hard I try, which leads to periods where I basically do nothing.

I am 25 and have had a Bachelor's Degree for two years, yet up until this point, the only job I've had is as a Produce Clerk at a supermarket on random part time hours (which sometimes almost seems worse than no job at all).

My siblings are currently doing extremely well and are basically set for their career paths. Brother is ROTC and likely getting a triple major Associates degree, two of which are Aerospace and Engineering(this spring he got got his lowest grade ever, a B). My sister is about to go to Glasgow to finish her Doctorates in Veterinary Medicine in one of the top ten colleges for that field. And here I am, the eldest, still living with my Dad and his Wife and working at a supermarket.

I am told that I shouldn't compare myself to them but I really struggle not to. I am often find myself feeling like the inferior sibling. Sometimes, I get scared that I'll never get out of the house where I grew up. I am aware that my Dad is supportive almost to the point of coddling me and his wife, while understanding of my situation and caring about me, would like me to leave soon, so she and Dad can be together. Furthermore, I feel guilty because I feel like I cause tension between them, which makes me feel worse.

I don't have any local friends and have been confining myself to my room more and more to try to reduce the tension in the house. It's hard for me, choosing between tension and loneliness. It adds to the cycle, making me feel that much worse.

Luckily, over the last couple months, I've made some real strides toward dealing with my issues. In February, I finally got my driver's licence (after overcoming my fears of driving, spending a year learning and taking the test 3 times). Then in April, I took a civil service test that, once graded (in the next 3-6 months) will allow me to apply for state jobs. Finally, I've got a summer job as a camp councilor, an interview set up for a possible year long position as an environmental educator and just gave my two weeks notice at the super market.

My best advice for you is to just hang in there and eventually things will turn around. Even as I write those words they sound corny and weak, as someone who has heard them before and is personally aware of how ineffective they can seem.

Also, try telling someone you trust how you feel, as having a little support goes a long way.

Another suggestion I have is to keep yourself busy. Go for walks or do some exercise you enjoy.

Use your interests to your advantage in order to distract yourself from your darker thoughts. Have something that requires your focus, be it a book, a show,an enjoyable podcast or something else that works for you. Look for an outlet for your hobby that could get you some encouraging responses. I enjoy art and writing and during those periods I feel down, I work on a painting to give to someone I care about or sell and work on fanfictions to post online for the comments and likes. It really cheers me up to see that people appreciate my abilities.

I hope things get better soon. Until then, just hang in there.

A note on art school:

It depends a lot on which art school. If you're in the US, there are a lot of art schools that bascially charge you a lot of money for learning art at a very low level. But in the half decent to good ones you'll learn a method of working on creative projects. I don't know how badly you struggle with executive functioning issues, but this is one of the major hurdles with creative work. Doing anything creatively means constantly having to redefine your project; you never quite know where the rabbit hole is going to take you. This can be hard if you need to know what your schedule is gong to be like. Also, as you mentioned, group work can be a challenge. What easily happens is that you end up underperforming because you are spending all your juice on the social stuff.

I'd say the weirder the art school, the more likely it will be that you can work on individual projects and have more one-on-one tuition, which helps a lot. Being autistic, you'll need to find a niche that works for you, maybe not at the center of a project, but on the fringes, where the specialists are.

Here's an artist, Sissel Tolaas, who started in art school and then went on to completely redefine her career. I can't go around handing out a diagnosis, but 'neurotypical' is not the word that spring to mind when I hear her talk at length. You perhaps can't see it in this particular video, but I've seen her on another show, and she's really got some eye contact issues.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ByOLyDJW_Y

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/27/style ... ells_.html

She is actually earning good money working with car manufacturers and cosmetics companies, and working on major art exhibitions as well.