Fear of abandonment

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How can I convince myself that not everyone who claims to care about me and/or say "I'm always there for you" will betray and/or abandon me forever whenever they feel like it?

yes i got a fear of abandonment too. and b/c of that, among other things, i tend to abandon them before they get a chance to abandon me.

in my defense, plenty of precious little "people" in the past have had the nerve to tell me that they were my precious little "friends". they had the nerve to tell me "we care about you". and then they abandoned me. dumped on face book. and et cetera.

and each one of them acted like a Special Snowflake. they acted like they were so awesome.

and after they had the nerve to abandon me, i got preoccupied. obsessed. for sometimes years.

and now i am 34 years old.

it has gotten to the point where, quite frankly, i do not get the impression that those precious little "people" were worth the energy it took to interact with them. calories, seconds, dollars. emotional turmoil. sunk costs.

and et cetera



so unless something really wierd happens,



until i feel like i can enjoy social interactions while they last. and accept it when they do not last. and dwell on previous abandonments for shorter lengths of time and less intensity.

then i ain't certainly going to go out of my own way to socially interact with someone.

but whatever.

on the other hand, it appears worth pointing out though. that just b/c something ends, does not necessarily mean that it failed. and it does not necessarily mean that it did not result in anything good.

we still had some good times. so what if the good times did not last as long as i wanted, or as long as he/she/they promised? they still were good times.

This fear of total abandonment was ever present throughout my childhood. My literal mind and the casual way in which my parents stuck to promises of being there for me didn't help. To top it off my dad liked to threaten to abandon anyone who did not comply with his expectations of virtuous behaviour.

Learning to trust people in a largely neurotypical world is very hard and has taken me many years. Here is what has worked for me:

1. Focus on building relationships with other non-typical people, slowly, one step at a time
2. Lead by example, extend an initial/subsequent increment of trust before the other person does – most non-typical people will greatly appreciate your trust and will reciprocate
3. Always be trustworthy and reliable and acknowledge all instances where you were unable to keep a promise and explain why
4. Assume that most people are nearly always trying to be the best possible person they can be under their specific circumstances – if they cause harm and distress it is often unknowingly due to (a) following perverse cultural conventions, (b) because they were not aware of all relevant aspects of your context, and (c) assuming that your needs/preferences are the same as theirs
5. When someone turns out to be repeatedly unreliable, ask for explanations, and as needed scale back the level of trust extended
6. Always prefer a smaller number of trustworthy relationships over a larger number of untested relationships
7. Being able to fully trust someone in all circumstances is a process that in my case takes around seven years – short-circuiting the process can lead to severe disappointments
8. Invest the time to maintain the small number of trusted relationship that develop over the decades

It does not help that in the "developed" world we live in hyper-competitive cultures where "social smarts" are valued more highly than honesty, mutual support and collaboration. Those on the fringe of society are usually much more deserving of trust than those who who are "successful" by mainstream social standards. Find and apply your own personal values in life, and seek out others who run on a similar operating system.

Last edited by jbw on 23 Apr 2017, 1:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe adopt a different perspective on matters?

I don't fear abandonment for the following reasons.

1. I expect some people in life to come and go. Relationships can be very dynamic things. Most people will not be your "BFF", and if someone really is your "BFF" it's still ok for them to move across the country and get other "BFFs".
2. I don't do/wouldn't stay in a toxic relationship and I don't expect others to either.
3. A little bit of moral support and sympathy is nice on occasion, but I can generally emotionally handle difficult times in life on my own.
4. I don't expect my friends and those close to me to be emotional superheros who's job it is to emotionally support me all of the time.

I look it like this. I would drop virtually anyone that was too much trouble for me. I've done it hundreds of times.

Everyone has invisible line, where someone else's issues start to mess with your life. I think being the way a lot of us are, that we have a wall on our line. They don't.

Some people get burned out. I've found the ones that i know that study various types of brain sciences are the first to go. Because you end up becoming too much like work or study.