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Corny
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30 Jul 2017, 4:02 pm

Has this happened before to you before? Your parents or whoever takes care of you kicks you out? Well it's probably going to happen to me. My grandparents I think are planning to kick me out. Right before I go too college. And I kept telling them the only reason why I'm choosing to stay with them is because they can help me with college. But they think that's a rude reason and why is it? Don't bunch of 18 year olds stay with their parents for college? Well they think it's rude and I don't get it. And the reason why they want me out is because I keep arguing and starting fights with them. I don't get along with them. Never have. Or sometimes I might ask something or try to get out of a chore and keep questioning why I have to do it. But they then get mad at me for and start yelling. I might raise my voice too. But they say I'm yelling. But it's hard for me too tell my voice level. Or sometimes when I'm not mad or trying to get out of it and say something not bad. They still might find it annoying or something. And they get on too me for thinking out loud aka talking to myself. They say I'm weird for it and it bugs me when they say that and don't believe them. And I do it out of habit and don't realize it. And I can't stand them and today was worse than it has been. But only reason why I want to stay is because they're helping me with college things.



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30 Jul 2017, 7:41 pm

I got kicked out when I was 19 and honestly, I think it was a good thing. I completed a year in college right before I got kicked out and it was a disaster. My living situation at home was awful and the stress of college on top of it quickly became too much for me until I had a complete mental breakdown. Getting kicked out allowed me to develop the skills to be an independent adult and it took so much weight off my shoulders because I didn't have to go home every day to such a hostile environment. So, this is probably not what you want to hear and it was really hard when it happened to me because I literally had no money or place to live or anything, but I honestly think it can be a good thing. I'm going back to school now as an adult and it's so much more doable now that I'm living in a stable home.



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30 Jul 2017, 7:49 pm

I got kicked out when I was 17. I can't say if it was good or bad. I'm in a pretty good place now but I went through a lot of bad times to get here. Homelessness, drug use, etc. I can't know if I would be any better off or if I would be worse, had things been different. Your profile says "other autism spectrum disorder". Do they know? The way you question things is likely because of the different way you think about things. I had this problem. If you yell it is, as you say, because you don't know how loud your being. I would reasonable people would make some allowances. Perhaps they don't quite understand?

Separately, yes I think most kids stay with their parents past 18 because it is easier. For college, cheaper rent, etc. But in the NT world, you don't SAY so. You say it's because "you love them". Otherwise you are "using" them and people don't like to feel used. People like their feelings saved. Stupid word games ... Honesty is better IMO, but as you see, isn't as easily swallowed.



Last edited by soloha on 30 Jul 2017, 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Chichikov
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30 Jul 2017, 7:50 pm

Corny wrote:
And I kept telling them the only reason why I'm choosing to stay with them is because they can help me with college. But they think that's a rude reason and why is it?


Because it makes it sound like you're using them, that you don't like them and you're only there from necessity. If someone is helping you out, putting you up, I assume effectively paying your bills, feeding you etc, then they're doing it probably for emotional reasons and they'd like that to be reciprocated. They want to feel that you respect them and that you're grateful. Your reasons to them indicate neither and are probably hurtful to their feelings.

Corny wrote:
Or sometimes I might ask something or try to get out of a chore and keep questioning why I have to do it. But they then get mad at me for and start yelling.


Again if someone is putting you up and helping you, if they want you to do a chore then it's generally the proper thing to do it. Quid pro quo. Refusing to do a chore from someone where you are living is generally considered rude.



Claradoon
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30 Jul 2017, 7:53 pm

Comy, you have no right to live in a house you don't own. Your relatives have no obligations to you once you are an adult. That's all.



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Deinonychus
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30 Jul 2017, 7:59 pm

Chichikov wrote:
Corny wrote:
And I kept telling them the only reason why I'm choosing to stay with them is because they can help me with college. But they think that's a rude reason and why is it?


Because it makes it sound like you're using them, that you don't like them and you're only there from necessity. If someone is helping you out, putting you up, I assume effectively paying your bills, feeding you etc, then they're doing it probably for emotional reasons and they'd like that to be reciprocated. They want to feel that you respect them and that you're grateful. Your reasons to them indicate neither and are probably hurtful to their feelings.

Corny wrote:
Or sometimes I might ask something or try to get out of a chore and keep questioning why I have to do it. But they then get mad at me for and start yelling.


Again if someone is putting you up and helping you, if they want you to do a chore then it's generally the proper thing to do it. Quid pro quo. Refusing to do a chore from someone where you are living is generally considered rude.

Agree. It is the proper thing to do. I got that he was questioning rationale of the chore but it wasn't clear he was refusing....just asking "why" first. Most people don't want you to even ask why. They just want "yes sir!". I've learned if you don't want friction, don't ask why. An Aspie vs NT thing if you ask me. I think its fine to question. As long as in the end you can say "OK, I don't understand, but I'll do it anyway".

By the way, I take care of two kids who aren't mine, to give you a little context. I don't care if they question me, but as Claradoon said, you have no right to live in a house you don't own, so after my explanation, I still expect enough respect that they honor my wishes in my house. Perhaps that's because I have a need to question myself ...



Sweetleaf
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30 Jul 2017, 8:10 pm

Well from the sound of it, it may be a good thing not to live with them anymore since you don't get along. In what way exactly do they help with college stuff...may be possible to get help elsewhere. I'd look into what kind of resources the college you're planning to attend has available for students.


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the_phoenix
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30 Jul 2017, 10:52 pm

I lived with my parents while I went to college.
I was expected to help out with chores, no arguing or fighting about it.
I gave my parents gifts for Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day,
based on what I could afford ... maybe not the most expensive, but I always
tried to choose a thoughtful gift that they would like.
Did we always get along? Well no ...
no family is perfect.

I visited my grandparents sometimes while I went to college.
The grandparents on my Mom's side of the family and my Dad's side of the family.
We were always happy to see each other.
Sometimes I would stay overnight ...
when that happened, there were rules as a house guest and grandchild
that I was expected to follow.
More than fair, as they were providing me with a clean bed and meals.
And again, I got my grandparents gifts for special occasions.

Showing a little gratitude and appreciation for others can go a long way.



Chronos
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31 Jul 2017, 12:00 am

Corny wrote:
Has this happened before to you before? Your parents or whoever takes care of you kicks you out? Well it's probably going to happen to me. My grandparents I think are planning to kick me out. Right before I go too college. And I kept telling them the only reason why I'm choosing to stay with them is because they can help me with college. But they think that's a rude reason and why is it? Don't bunch of 18 year olds stay with their parents for college? Well they think it's rude and I don't get it. And the reason why they want me out is because I keep arguing and starting fights with them. I don't get along with them. Never have. Or sometimes I might ask something or try to get out of a chore and keep questioning why I have to do it. But they then get mad at me for and start yelling. I might raise my voice too. But they say I'm yelling. But it's hard for me too tell my voice level. Or sometimes when I'm not mad or trying to get out of it and say something not bad. They still might find it annoying or something. And they get on too me for thinking out loud aka talking to myself. They say I'm weird for it and it bugs me when they say that and don't believe them. And I do it out of habit and don't realize it. And I can't stand them and today was worse than it has been. But only reason why I want to stay is because they're helping me with college things.


No. My parents didn't own a house and the lease was up and everyone was moving out in to their own place by the time I went to a university.

When you are a minor, your guardians have a moral, ethical, and legal responsibility to provide you with basic necessities, including housing, but after that, they no longer have a legal responsibility, and whether or not they have a moral or ethical responsibility to continue to provide for you depends on the situation.

If you are disrespectful, argue, fail to contribute or follow house rules, then you do not give them much of a reason to permit you to stay in their home. When someone permits you to stay in their home, they are doing you a favor. You want your grandparents to do you a favor but it doesn't sound like you really deserve it if you argue with them over doing chores and disrespect them. They are elderly individuals who were keeping a roof over your head and paying your way at their expense. As an adult, or someone who is almost an adult, there is no reason for you not to help them out when they request it, in exchange for your room and board.



kraftiekortie
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31 Jul 2017, 9:51 am

Come on, Corny. You should meet them half way.

What sort of requests are they making of you?

This sounds like a classic teenage person/parent battle (except they're your grandparents). So classic! Nothing worse than that, I believe. I don't sense that they would really throw you out. They're just making threats.

What sort of chores do they want you to do?

I feel that both and and your grandparents should have a little talk. And iron things out.

They would like you better if you could get some sort of job, and give them a little money per month. That's what I did with my mother when I turned 18.

They might be threatening to throw you out because they fear you might become a deadbeat, do-nothing type. It doesn't mean you will become one. It's just their fear.



Dear_one
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31 Jul 2017, 12:28 pm

My dad kicked me out at 17, and my mother never even knew that 'till she asked me when she was dying. I would strongly advise you to spend your remaining days before legal adulthood learning how to be helpful and agreeable, or you will be a very lonely, miserably poor adult. Are you planning to take care of your grandparents in a few years, for as long as they need you? That might make it a better bargain for them.



SaveFerris
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31 Jul 2017, 12:48 pm

I was warned about bringing drugs into the house and given an ultimatum , obviously I was not trusted and had room searches when I wasn't present , drugs were found in my room but they had been there since before the ultamatum as I'd completely forgotten about them , I was going to argue my point but just left as it was easier.
So I lived by myself with no house rules and took drugs till I broke my brain :roll:
I don't blame my folks as I was off the rails :skull:


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