Coping with Christmas

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Christmas last year was a nightmare - I held out by sitting at a table with six people, three of whom I'd never met before, for seven hours before getting up and leaving the room. The conversation started off with me joining in, but I became increasingly quieter until I wasn't talking at all. All I could think about was how badly I wanted silence. I went to lie down on the bed upstairs and my father followed me almost immediately to summon me back downstairs. I don't understand that: why would they want me there if I'm just sitting in silence?

This is what bothers me. How come autistics are expected to respect NT's wants and wishes and feelings, and if we don't we "lack empathy", but NTs misunderstand Aspies all the time and don't seem to understand how we are feeling, but they are still always the "empathetic" ones?

It boggles the mind.

SEVEN HOURS (?????! !! !!????! !)

I'd have been out of there LLLLOOONNNGGGGG before the TWO hour mark.

Did no one need a "comfort break" in all that time?

That sounds a lot like the Thanksgiving I just endured.

I'm sorry to ask this, but why did you sit there for so long if it was making you so uncomfortable? Couldn't you just have stayed for a while out of politeness, then excuse yourself and when someone came after you just explain why you didn't want to be there anymore? Did you even try to explain? 'Cause people can't be expected to read your mind and understand what you want, you have to actually communicate.

Of course, if you tried to explain and nobody listened or cared, then shame on them. Would it be possible for you to spend the next Christmas with someone else or on your own?

An artificial union is sometimes pre disposed and as ill perceived as something or nothing. It should be a time of get togethers, but the truth is that no one can stand to be near each other for longer than five minutes, perhaps your vibes echoed the reality and instead of a surrogate reunion taking place without all the excess interrogation and fake tales, it starts to inhibit bad taste and isn't complete without the surrogate child in all this. You're just being summoned back downstairs to be used as bait for when the conversation takes a bad turn. So it can be all eyes on you. I endured all this when I was a child in my childhood, but I never got used to the unhappy atmospheres. Even now, there is lies of a recital there of helping out with older family members when in truth, the less they get to do before they travel the better.
I happened to experience a loss in my immediate family this year and the less time I get to see all the hype at its tinselist worst the better. Showing respect during a bereavement is not something the Brits in my family are good at. Seeing as my gran was French I feel it even more, and less empathy is being shown. The reality is I'm thirty next year, and she won't be there to wish me well and generally to hear her voice. I have to face a rather risky operation on my own and not hearing a single word of asking how I am ever again is a pain like no other.
At the moment, I have got appointments left right and centre none of which I really want to deal with so the question of how I'm coping is obvious. And no, I don't want any pity. My main guardians in my life have gone and I will have to confront my grief and recovery alone, there won't be anyone around to pick up the mess for me this time.
I believe that I'm now suffering from SAD, grief and depression but medicine wise I will have to find a cure to rid me of what I know will be unbearable tidings and pain. A new years resolution can come to bite back if I don't bite it in the arse first, and that's just what I intend to do.
Good luck with this years Christmas special.(with less of the same old tidings:)

I don't mind the gatherings as much as the preparations for it and my father yelling "Why is the house so dirty? Help your mom with cooking! Clean your room! Clean the hall! And restroom! Doesn't anybody see the 'curtains'?! (dad's name for spiderwebs only he can see). Did anybody ever clean that place?! Do I have to do everything? Two 'hens'(dads name for women when he is angry) in the house and nothing is done! Arent you going to help dressing the x-mas tree?" for a whole week before x-mas, especially during the x-mas eve day. Then he expects us to sit by the table and share wishes - just the 3 of us - without even exchanging gifts (me and mom always exchange gifts and give gifts to dad but dad never gives us anything because "in his family house there was no gift giving tradition").
I usually do everything I can to go with mom to grandma house and leave dad home alone. Well, I would like to go to grandma with both parents, like my cousin does every year (grandma and aunt share the food preparations), without all the drama but there is no helping it - dad makes his before x-mas hell anyway.

I like visiting grandma. Less preparations, better and bigger choice of food, awesome gift exchange (they usually prepare gifts for us to give them when we visit then on the x-mas day so if we show up for x-mas eve they are already there and we bring gifts for everyone too so there is a lot of gifts under the x-mas tree). It's fun. The only thing i dislike is sharing wishes but they know I dislike it so they are fine with memorized formula I always say.
There is 7 people there(grandma, granda, aunt, uncle, cousin, me and mom), 8 if dad comes but he rarely does.

Fortunately starting this year I am living by myself so I have a choice - go anywhere I like for x-mass or just stay home and browse the net. I wonder what I am going to choose. I haven't decided yet.

Sounds to me like he does nothing around the house yet yells at others if they haven't done things the way he wants them done... please tell me I'm wrong.

I'd be stimming like mad throughout the entire 7 hours. Ouch.

It's mostly it. But if we insist we do what we can and he should do it instead he gets furious and starts a cleaning spree on his own. He goes through the whole house like a hurricane and makes everything as clean as new(I fail to comprehend how he is able to do it and it takes 2 weeks for mom to make the house as clean as dad is able to do in a few hours of time), while yelling how worthless we are as human beings. Then he locks himself in his room and doesn't speak to us till New Year. I can't say I dislike it TBH. The house is very clean and I don't have to deal with dad anymore, as a bonus.

Well then, isn't that a good solution for the problem?

This comment should go viral.

Quite right and I couldn't agree more.

Assuming you don't mind being yelled at and "getting fixed" for a week, then be called a trash for another a few hours and then having a "nonverbal stranger" at home during Christmas and a few days after that - then yes.

Better solution would be him doing the cleaning from the start, without expecting us to do what he can do faster and better just because "it's our job as women".
He does the same thing with cooking. He is way better cook than mom or me but he insist we have to cook dinner everyday and he only cooks something for Sunday supper sometimes. And when he does it is like this:
He asks us "Will you be eating French fries?"(while preparing some in the kitchen so we hear he does), Me: "Sure.", Him "Then make some for yourself.", Me: "Then I don't want any.", Him: "Just kidding. Come and get some. They are ready in the kitchen." and when I proceed to do it he adds "What's is in it for me?" or "You should be the one making French fries for Dad, not the other way around. Who in the world seen a Dad making French fries for his adult daughter?". I'm still getting the French fries but they don't "taste" good anymore, emotionally.

Ick. Sounds like my last one. Sitting around the table with the three remaining relatives, and no one had a word to say to each other so it was all just a few words of strained smalltalk, then silence, then another few words of strained smalltalk, silence. What is the point? My mother thinks I'm a psychopath when I (quite reasonably, I thought) suggested that since we're all adults and have no children to pander to for the occasion, we have nothing to say to each other, we'd all realistically rather not do it if we're honest - why don't we just give it a miss next time?
But no. You have to keep up these stupid "traditions" even when no one actually wants to, and it's awkward and pointless. One year I was working, and that was the best xmas ever.

...Okay, maybe not. That kind of sounds like some kind of mental/verbal abuse, doesn't it? This might be a pretty rude thing to ask, but why do you (and your mother) tolerate him? Do you debend on him financially or something?

If this was too rude or personal then I'm sorry. In that case just ignore this whole message.