Never fitting in.

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All my life I have never fit in. Not even in my own family. I have always been on the outside looking in. There were times I thought I fit in only later to realize I did not. I have worked at my job almost a year now and still feel like an outsider. My boss even talks to me as if I'm not part of his team. He always says we do things this way around here.

My mother died this year and I will be completely alone this Christmas and I know it is because I just don't fit in. My parents never fully understood me but they were the only people in this world I trusted to some degree. I will start a new tradition of watching Christmas movies and making cookies with my dog.

I really wish I did not have Asperger's sometimes.

I'm realizing that I never fit in either, I just assumed I could. I once lived in a big, shared house, and after two years, I stopped feeling like the new guy. So I took inventory, and I was the earliest current resident. I worked hard on a local committee that was starved for members for years, and the day I missed one meeting, they replaced me. I never trusted my parents, and now I've been betrayed by most of the people I tried to work with, due to the intellectual gulf.

Now I put Christmas lights up outside for camo, but avoid any seasonal reminders indoors, except for indulging in fancy food. This year, needing some craft work for therapy, I made some wall art for a guy who was rarely loyal in the past, and a wooden toy for a fatherless neighbour boy. It is getting hard to surf the 'net without being reminded that I have a frustrated social instinct. There is one guy I could go talk and laugh with, but I almost never drive that far for purely social reasons, and I'm stocked up to hibernate for another three weeks.

I know the feeling. It stinks.

Some days it is depressing, other days I realise I wouldn't want to fit in with these people even if I could.